Friday, January 25, 2008

24 Months

Two years ago today we found out our 16 week baby no longer had a heartbeat. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to cope with. It still hurts. I still miss the life that never was to be.

Two years later, I'm glad I didn't know then how hard all of this would continue to be.

Makes me wonder what the future will hold. Makes me wonder if I'd want to know. Makes me wonder if it will ever be easier.

Sometimes I can be grateful for what I have, sometimes I wish things were so different.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Trying to Hope

Wow, it seems this is my first post of 2008. Now that is a little slack.

I suppose I haven't had much to say.

I'm not sure if it is the January blues, my birthday (37 today, how did that happen?) or the whole hopeless TTC stuff but I just don't seem to want to communicate.

In short, I am a miserable old girl who is wallowing in a sea of self pity. I am really quite worried that I am pushing my husband too far these days. All I seem to do is mope and moan and go on about our situation. It worries me that he'll just get to the point of thinking it isn't worth it.

I don't even like being with me right now, why should he?

Anyway, onwards and upwards as they say.

On the TTC front, well, I ordered myself £808 worth of drugs this morning! Happy Birthday to me!!! We are going to cycle again.

At my follow up appointment with the (very lovely) doctor from the clinic he said.....

Yes, the previous cycle had gone very well and we had two top quality embryos. He had no answers to why these didn't take, just bad luck probably (hmmm, more bad luck. Not so scientific sometimes,these doctors) however he did realise that, although my AMH had thrown me into the potential high/over responders group, with 5 eggs, I hadn't over responded. The next cycle will therefore be a different protocol.


I have started on Metformin (making me feel -but not be- sick most of the day, yuck) This cycle I will be down-regulated (Lupron), then the same dose of Menopur and then we'll see how I respond. He is hopeful for more eggs without a loss of quality. It does seem like a guessing game but I am happy enough with the plan.

Cysts etc allowing, down regulation is on the 4th February so starting stims around 14th-18th February? Possible EC around end of Feb.

I'm really hoping to gather a little hope and enthusiasm between now and the start of this cycle. Right now I just want to cry when I think of doing it all again. Then again, the alternative, the do nothing and get even older, scares me witless. It really is a case of being between a rock and a hard place.

I have been pregnant at 34, 35 and 36. Please let this be the one for 37. And please let this one be a real live baby. Please.