One Year On...

I'm not sure if anyone will ever see this but yesterday I logged onto my old blog, not for any reason, and realised it was exactly one year since I had posted.

I read the entry.

Wow, was that only a year ago! So much change.

So...just in case anyone is wondering, or stumbles across this story of a slice of my life, I am updating. Adding an ending perhaps. Or, in many ways, a beginning.

The last post was about us starting to look into the whole adoption process, of how we weren't yet sure if this was for us. We had already attended the first prep group day.

We did continue with the prep group and then the home study. It is a hard going process but we got through it fairly speedily and we were approved as adoptive parents in November 09.

Very soon after the approval panel we had the most life-changing phone call.

Most unusually for this country a mother had decided not to parent her baby. The baby had gone straight from hospital into foster care as this young woman had to convince the authorities that she really wanted her child to be adopted. She just didn't feel in a place to be a parent. She had read our profile and wanted to meet us.
The next few days were a flurry of social work meetings and exchanges of paperwork.

After about a week we met with the birth mother and had a very emotional but truly positive afternoon. Although it sounds so cliched there really was an instant connection. I thought she was an amazingly strong and thoughtful young woman who had considered every aspect of what she was doing and wanted the best to come out of this situation. She liked us too. She chose is to adopt her baby.

So right now I am writing this as our most precious nine month old daughter sleeps upstairs. She is absolutely amazing and has changed the world forever.

We are a family.

Another Twist in the Road.

Oh, it has been a while! I've been following along with your blogs but not had much to say for myself. So pleased to see things going really well for a couple of my old (original) blog friends, also so sad to see things go wrong for others- I just wonder why it all has to be so difficult.

So what's going on around here? Nothing and everything really.

I haven't done any more treatments, had any medical appointments or arranged anything new. I haven't had any spontaneous pregnancies or any more losses. All very quiet on the reproductive front.
On the other hand we have started looking into adoption. In the UK you are not allowed to adopt whilst still undergoing fertility treatment. I had come to the decision that we would do one final IVF, going to blast regardless, just because we hadn't yet done this.
When we spoke to the agencies we realised that to do another treatment and then go on to look into adoption would add about another 18 months to the whole process. As we really have so very little hope that another IVF would actually result in a pregnancy, let alone a live birth, we have decided to go ahead with the adoption process. Too much time wasted already.

We were accepted by both the agencies we approached although one seemed much more excited about having us than the other. We chose the one that was the friendliest and got back to us on time, posted out the forms they said they would etc. I think the process will be frustrating enough without having to chase an agency at each step.
The first surprise was the prep groups. We knew there was a waiting list for the groups but the social worker really seemed to take to us and hinted that she would try to bump us up the list! Good to her (implied) word she must have as we were invited to start the five week course last week. It was rather awkward to be chatting with the other couples that had been waiting an average of 12 months to start, nice for us though (and, for the record, we aren't super nice people, we just have a lot of experience of working with children who have suffered trauma!)

Is this the future then? Truthfully we just don't know if it is. Both agencies were very honest and said the chance of being placed with a baby were next to nothing- realistically we would be looking at building our family with children who had been removed from their birth family for a reason. We both have doubts but also can see the positives of adoption. It is such a huge undertaking. It hurts my brain to think about it for too long. We have decided to go through the process and be truly honest with ourselves and the social workers and hopefully, by the end, we will know for sure, one way or another.

As to wondering if this infertility/ recurrent mc blog is turning into an adoption blog, time will tell. I think that's the only answer for now.

Putting the Dummy Back In!

I don't know if the (so inappropriate!) title translates so I will explain. In Scotland if you have a bit of a hissy fit and get stroppy someone might say you spat the dummy. I certainly spat the dummy, I have just reread my last entry. Oh my, I am so negative about EVERYTHING. I am so sorry if you logged in at new year and had a big downer laid on you. I don't mean to make everyone feel bad too.
I was going to delete the whole post but I am touched that such lovely ladies tried to cheer me up. I think I'd have clicked on by. Reflecting on what is going on in your life is one thing but that was just an angry whine. Sorry.
I'm not saying I'll be all kittens and lollipops from here on (very unlikely) but I will try to be less tantrum like.
In my defence, I've never liked New Year. I have always thought about the bad things that have happened and those that may happen in the months to come. Cheery sort, huh?
And although I certainly am still grieving I am also aware that the losses I blogged about were not tragic.
My Gran was 90 years old and I truly realise how fortunate I was to have all the time I had to spend with her, she was so mentally agile and such a spirit. I know many others never get the chance to have a relationship of this sort. I also realise that many people have had to say goodbye to loved ones lost in tragic circumstances. I am blessed with fantastic memories that shape the person I am today. I need to remember that. I really do miss her though, primarily she was my friend.
Both my pets were old and had great lives, neither of them suffering at the end. Again a reason to be grateful and to try and focus on the time I had with them not on what I have lost.
I think the losses hit so hard when I look at my family shrinking. It is hard to say goodbye when the likelihood of extending my own family is fading so quickly. It made me deeply consider what life is all about and I'm not sure I really liked the answer.
After the last IVF failure and the wait for the recurrent miscarriage testing I decided to put everything on hold. For the first time in this whole journey I wasn't desperate to have a plan, to move ahead. I think I knew I just couldn't cope with big decisions so I refused to think about them until the new year. Rather than being frustrating and stressful I found it such a relief. We did a building project in the house and concentrated on tiles, taps and the like. It was good to stress about something that was solid, tangible and ultimately not life changing (and there was plenty of stress-but that would be a post in itself)
It is now 2009. Time to consider some options. Yikes.

Goodbye to 2008 (you won't be missed)

It seems odd to me that in some parts of the world it is already next year. Odd but not great because it just underlines the fact that New Year is simply a step over a date line and not actually the beginning of anything new.

2008 has not been a good year. It has been full of loss and failure. The saying goodbye to my furry friends, my old cat in April and our 12 year old spaniel at the beginning of December. They are both missed terribly. My house (and heart) is so much emptier.

In July I lost my beloved Grandmother. I can't explain how much this has affected my life. I miss her every day, I want to tell her things. I miss our lunches and shopping trips at the weekends. She was everything to me. She gave me purpose and she needed needed me as much as needed her. I miss being needed. I miss having family.

On top of this there was the two IVF failures. Not much I can say about that.
The lack of pregnancy this year has also been a worry. Although I have never got to the healthy new-born stage I have been pregnant during 2005, 2006 and 2007. Not so much in 2008. Apart from a brief flirt with the faintest of second lines back in February it has been a very non-pregnant year. I know that not being pregnant is better than miscarrying again but the fact that I haven't even managed to get pregnant doesn't fill me with hope for the future.

Are you still reading? Goodness knows why. The truth is I have bored myself. I can't even talk about it anymore- It's just one huge pile of blah.... I can't imagine a happy ending. It is hard to continue trying when you have no hope.

2009. Wouldn't it be nice if it was a good year?

I'd settle for just mediocre, if truth be told.

In The Right Direction

Thank you all so much for your lovely words, even lovelier given the depressing post. I really appreciate the thoughts :-)

Strangely enough I've had a very good week. After a lot of consideration I think we will go back to treatment (I know-I was so sure I was finished but...) I also decided I wouldn't plan anything more until after the year. The breathing space seems to have brought a (temporary?) peacefulness.

I am quite proud of myself this evening.

My brother and his wife are expecting their second child.
I am pleased they are having another baby, really pleased. I adore my 19 month niece. She is such a sweetie. Perhaps it is because I love my niece so much, or perhaps I am in a better place, but dealing with this pregnancy announcement isn't half as difficult as the last one seemed.
I spoke to my brother and was able to ask about the date for the scan and general stuff like that. I really don't want, or need, to know all the ins and outs of symptoms or growing bumps but I was genuinely interested in how they were doing.

It wasn't about me for once and I am very pleased to have found this place.

On a completely different subject (or maybe slightly related)- I went to the hairdressers this week and changed my look dramatically. I have been feeling so low and boring and ordinary so I decided to go a little wild. My hair is now a vibrant shade of red! I mean really really red.
I was a bit shocked at first but I think I really like it, it is a change and sometimes change is good, no? And it'll grow.

My husband is delighted, he loves my hair but he also thinks, perhaps, I am claiming a bit of the old me back. I know how quickly I can go up and down so we'll see.

But for now it's good.

Doesn't Time Fly When You're Having No Fun?

Hell0 (hanging head sheepishly)
Again I've been quiet for a long time. I didn't really mean to disappear and I have tried to start this post again and again. I just couldn't find the words, which is odd as I have so much I really want to say.

I will make the effort to reconnect. I have been reading your Blogs but even commenting has seemed a bit empty. It is hard to offer hope and encouragement when you are down, it is hard to offer congratulations even to those who I am so genuinely delighted for, their moving on makes my stagnation more pointed, it is even hard now to share painful times, my empathy is too real and I think I feel disappointments and heartache too deeply. But I miss the connection. I feel isolated, we live in a world where the majority of people are lucky enough not to be able to relate to my feelings even if I chose to share them. I miss the understanding.

I don't know how to make sense of this deal anymore. I am just not moving on. I am as far away now (further) from having a baby than I have ever been. This long and difficult journey hasn't taken me one inch closer. Not.one.inch. That is a hard thing to cope with.

I am sorry my post is so depressing, truly I am, but that is how it is right now and I need to work my way through this.

Ok, I'm back. Things feel just a little better already :-)

Only Endings.

Negative.

I can't believe it. And yet, why would it be anything else?

I wish I knew what I had done to deserve this journey. It must have been really bad.