24 Months

Two years ago today we found out our 16 week baby no longer had a heartbeat. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to cope with. It still hurts. I still miss the life that never was to be.

Two years later, I'm glad I didn't know then how hard all of this would continue to be.

Makes me wonder what the future will hold. Makes me wonder if I'd want to know. Makes me wonder if it will ever be easier.

Sometimes I can be grateful for what I have, sometimes I wish things were so different.

Trying to Hope

Wow, it seems this is my first post of 2008. Now that is a little slack.


I suppose I haven't had much to say.

I'm not sure if it is the January blues, my birthday (37 today, how did that happen?) or the whole hopeless TTC stuff but I just don't seem to want to communicate.

In short, I am a miserable old girl who is wallowing in a sea of self pity. I am really quite worried that I am pushing my husband too far these days. All I seem to do is mope and moan and go on about our situation. It worries me that he'll just get to the point of thinking it isn't worth it.


I don't even like being with me right now, why should he?



Anyway, onwards and upwards as they say.


On the TTC front, well, I ordered myself £808 worth of drugs this morning! Happy Birthday to me!!! We are going to cycle again.


At my follow up appointment with the (very lovely) doctor from the clinic he said.....



Yes, the previous cycle had gone very well and we had two top quality embryos. He had no answers to why these didn't take, just bad luck probably (hmmm, more bad luck. Not so scientific sometimes,these doctors) however he did realise that, although my AMH had thrown me into the potential high/over responders group, with 5 eggs, I hadn't over responded. The next cycle will therefore be a different protocol.



So.......


I have started on Metformin (making me feel -but not be- sick most of the day, yuck) This cycle I will be down-regulated (Lupron), then the same dose of Menopur and then we'll see how I respond. He is hopeful for more eggs without a loss of quality. It does seem like a guessing game but I am happy enough with the plan.


Cysts etc allowing, down regulation is on the 4th February so starting stims around 14th-18th February? Possible EC around end of Feb.


I'm really hoping to gather a little hope and enthusiasm between now and the start of this cycle. Right now I just want to cry when I think of doing it all again. Then again, the alternative, the do nothing and get even older, scares me witless. It really is a case of being between a rock and a hard place.

I have been pregnant at 34, 35 and 36. Please let this be the one for 37. And please let this one be a real live baby. Please.

Goodbye 2007-Welcome 2008

So 2007 is almost over.

I was going to write a good/ bad list of things that have happened but I've decided against it. Trawling over things won't change anything and, as much as I'm a little fragile right now, I have a lot to be thankful for.

2007 really was a year of two halves. The first half was quite positive really. Nothing much happened but I healed as a person.


You see, at the beginning of 2006 I was pregnant and positive, into the second trimester, quite relaxed even. When this went wrong, on the 25th January, that was the end of 2006 for me, I sank into the most awful black time. I went from bad to worse. 2006 was THE year from HELL.

At the beginning of 2007 I started to get back on track, making plans, looking forward. We found a clinic and committed to IVF. Scary but it was progress

Then a massive up, we came to the first IVF in June/July. Surprise pregnancy during down regulation, yeah!

The second half wasn't so settled, a drawn out miscarriage and then an IVF (take 2) failure.


But I survived. Yes I was sad, I am sad, but I didn't go back to where I had been in 2006, not by a long way.

After the miscarriage and even the IVF failure I was really worried about how I would cope. In 2006 I realised how easily one can fall into a pit of blackness and how difficult it is to try to climb out. I never want to be in that place again. Sometimes that makes me anxious to avoid situations that could push me in this direction. Unfortunately, when TTC , it is just impossible to avoid. There is no way around it. Either you put yourself on the line and try, or you don't. There is no way to protect yourself or guarantee success.

I have had an up and down year, and some of it has been hard, but there has been a difference too. In 2007 I joined an amazing community of woman who were struggling with the same demons as I was/am. I was no longer alone. I no longer felt isolated and afraid of my own feelings. I could relate to others who communicated their feelings better than I ever could, if you can relate to others then your own feelings are validated too. It was my saviour this year. You all made the difference this year.

This community can't change the outcome but it certainly has made the journey so much more bearable. Thank you all for being there.

As for 2008. Let's hope it is filled with happy news and good things. I know it'll be full of support, no matter what. For all of us.

Happy Hogmanay.

Christmas 2007

Hope everyone has managed to get through Christmas without too many scars. It really is a bittersweet time of the year for me, and I'm sure I'm not alone.
This year my brother, SIL and 9 month old niece stayed with us. On Christmas day we were joined by my mum, her husband, my granny and aunt and uncle. My entire family were focused around my niece. She is adorable and I am so pleased I could share her first Christmas. But it is hard. Very hard.
I can't help but think that without the miscarriages we would have been sharing Christmas with our own child/children. How different it would be with a two and a half year old, or an eighteen month toddler or even to be seven months pregnant?

As for IVF #1. The clinic were very sweet on my outcome day. I arrived to find a little crowd around a new born baby at the front desk. A nurse spotted me immediately and virtually ran to me, she took my arm and led me to a side room. I can't fault the staff. They have been as kind and caring as is possible.

I got a (surprise) phone call on Thursday to say that the team had reviewed my case and they felt everything had gone well. The recommendation would be to repeat the same protocol if I wished to cycle again. I have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow to discuss the cycle and possible next steps.


This is where my problem now lies. I have no idea what I want to do next. Ironically, my husband- remember him- the reluctant one, is now hell bent on jumping straight into another cycle. Starting in January. He reckons there is no point in putting it off. It'll be soooo much easier next time, he tells me, now we know what to expect. It wasn't that bad at all, not half as bad as he expected. Oh how I laugh.
I, on the other hand, am not so sure. I can see his thinking, the longer we leave it the more of an issue it becomes. I know I feel better doing something than marking time, but my attitude stinks.

This IVF failure wasn't nice, it was hard, but my expectations are no longer that high. I didn't expect it to work but I certainly wouldn't have done it if I had no hope at all. It is staying pregnant that I worried about most. I certainly didn't expect a take home baby and a failure at this stage is easier to cope with than another miscarriage. But that's the problem.

I no longer think this process is going to work. The getting and staying pregnant. I really don't see a happy ending. Mr L is also fairly realistic about this, we have decided that three (possibly four) IVFs and natural TTC until next January, when I'll be 38, is it. We'll have to draw a line and move on. I have been getting pregnant, being pregnant or getting over being pregnant for almost all of my thirties. It has to stop, I can't do it half hearted, it's taken over my life. The whole IVF thing is as much to be able to look back without regret, to know we tried.

What now, another IVF? Jumping through the emotional and financial hoops. Is it worth it?

Perhaps I'm being over-dramatic, perhaps with time this will all seem less traumatic. Right now, four miscarriages, two perfect embryos and a failed IVF, it all adds up to nothing. Isn't it foolish to expect anything different?

A picture is worth a thousand words.....

7dp3dt

A quick update so I can use the snappy title. I can't do a whole IVF cycle and not have at least one title like the above!

I'm halfway through the second week now. The first week was ok really. I was off work and took it easy doing little tasks, watching daytime TV and relaxing. Perfect to be honest. I was so glad to be off work. I was also quite tearful at times which took me by surprise. I know that I have been overly emotional (well, for me) when I was pregnant in the past so I thought this was a good sign, if somewhat embarrassing (not that anyone saw me, just embarrassed myself thankfully!) it seems to have settled down now though.

This last few days I am much less settled, and also less hopeful. I have had no implantation bleeding and last night I felt as though my period was starting. I even dreamt it had started overnight, and woke up in a state. It isn't here, but it feels like it's on its way :-(

'Outcome day', as they call it, is Saturday. It's not a beta just a urine test. If I get that far I'm going to test before then myself. I was thinking Friday, but I'll probably crumble by Thursday (10dp3dt.) It should be clear by then. I peed on a OPK this morning, just because it was there. It was lily white! Hmmmm. I've never tested + before 13dpo before so it still could just be too early. I'm not sure if it's the fear of knowing, or the lack of symptoms, but right now I'm pretty sure this isn't the cycle for us. Still hoping though, it is a magical time of the year after all!


I hope the 2WW is racing by for all my cycle sisters too. There is a whole bunch of us, Becks, Chicklet , M, Amy, Tracey, Geohde and Makingpeace and it has been so great to be travelling with such great company, it makes this whole journey that little bit less frightening. All the very best girls!

We Got There!!

We made it to transfer! I'm so grateful. I really didn't think it was going to happen and it would all be for nothing. I understood the physical process already, but I really under-estimated the stress of waiting for each next step.

The transfer was fine. A few catheters were tried out first (more than one would expect, I believe), but it was ok.

We transferred two embryos. Both grade 1. One eight celled, one nine celled. I am a bit worried about the nine cell, I thought they should have been even numbers. The embryologist didn't seem worried. We had another eight celled but it was grade two so she choose this instead.

So now it's the waiting game. No matter what, I'm pleased we got this far.

Breathe Out

Four out of the five fertilised. We may still get to transfer on Monday (please, please, please).

As von so rightly said, I should try to cross one bridge at a time. It is so difficult to do but it makes sense. The whole deal is just too overwhelming.

Not So Much of the Over-responding

I had a feeling this cycle was doomed right from the scan that showed only six follicles. I had thoughts of cancelling but decided to go with it for a bit. As you know, a few more follies joined in and I felt a lot more happy.

At retrieval today I was hoping for about eight eggs. Not the biggest crop but I thought it would be ok. As it happens we only got five. 5. I'm so disappointed.

The embryologist was very sweet and said we're looking for quality here, not quantity. I know she's right but it stands to reason that more choice is best.

Of course some won't fertilise and then, out of any that (hopefully) do, some won't divide well. I'm not all that hopeful that we'll even get to transfer at all. Shit, this is tough.


I suppose it is all a learning curve. It did seem that I was at risk of over-stimulating. Seems quite funny now. We can change the protocol for next time.

Fertilisation report tomorrow morning. I'd love to be able to post a happier story soon. Please keep your fingers crossed that some of them make it.

What Could Go Wrong?

Could the trigger injection make me ultra emotional? Perhaps I have just finally cracked, something is definitely making me cry.

This week, the one where I'm patting myself on the back for taking -almost-everything in my stride, just took on a new look.

Last night I had to trigger at 7.30 to be ready for theatre Friday morning. I must say that is one pressure injection, I was worrying about spilling it or screwing it up all day. I got home at six and decided to walk my dogs locally rather than drive to the usual park, just in case the car broke down or I got held up. Over the top cautious but 'better safe than sorry' is a definite trait of mine.

I walked them around the woods out the back of my house and played with a ball a little. It was pitch black so not much fun but good enough. About 6.45 I thought I'd head back to get all sorted. Bath, mixed up etc. Mr L was working late so it was just me. I trudged through the woods until I was just at the back of my house, not far from the garden gate, and then Wham!! I fell over. Spectacularly.

There is a huge log that has been there forever, I was being so careful about walking when it was so dark, but I must have lost concentration and forgot. I fell right over it. A comedy fall, not a trip. My hand went down a ditch and ny head/nose hit a huge rock. There was such a cracking noise and this huge white flash. Like a cartoon. I didn't think that really happened but it does! I was sure I'd broken my nose.

I gathered myself together in a daze and headed indoors, collected ice from the freezer and made a cold pack. I looked at myself in the mirror. What a mess! and I mean mess.

I phoned my mum and as soon as she spoke I started to howl. I gave her such a fright too because I just couldn't speak for crying. And I couldn't stop.

It was now twenty past seven and I had to get ready for the trigger. Still sobbing, I put the ice pack down, mixed the Pregnyl, injected the mix and went back to cooling my eye. I didn't stop crying.

I'm swollen today. It hasn't really bruised (I never bruise) but both my nose and left eye are fairly puffy and fat. And I'm still emotional. So much so I've taken the day off work, that's just not like me.

Theatre tomorrow morning. No make up, as spotty as I've ever been in my life, and now with a fat nose and swollen eye. Fantastic. It gets better and better.

A Little Better

Thank you all so much for your comments on my last post. I cannot imagine where else one could find such a wealth of knowledge alongside people who understand the emotional swings involved in this journey. It's truly been a gift to stumble across such a place. I'm really grateful to have you all :-)

The latest scan room news is actually better. There are now 10 follicles. All but two measure between 13 and 17, the two little 'uns are 8 and 9. I feel better although I had decided if six was all there were to be then I would just have to deal with it.

On a very positive note, I am really growing to like this clinic. I have seen the same nurse every visit, she's so gentle-mannered, and I like the familiarity of the same face each time. Last night she said she would reckon on theatre on Friday (which was confirmed after blood test results today) but then she told me that she was sorry but she wouldn't be there, she goes on holiday on Friday. I'm really worried. I told Mr L that this had thrown me and he reassured me that he'd be there. 'Yes I know that but I want Nurse Gentle,' was my less than tactful reply. Oh dear, I seem to have offended him now!!

This week has flown by. I can't believe it's only a day or two of injections left. It seems too speedy when I consider the build up. And now theatre is looming.

Now that is scary on a whole new level!

Only Six

The first scan, after 3 days of stims, was last night.

3 measurable follicles on each ovary. 8,8 and 11 on each. Symmetrical, yes, but not so good I think?

After being put on this protocol, due to being classed as a potential over-responder, I kind of hoped for more.

Now for some help, even although I have read so many blogs for so long, I am still unsure. Does having 6 measurable follicles at this stage mean that this is all there will ever be, or can some still join in this game? I'm sure I should know this but I'm uncertain. I know I should have asked the nurse.

So the roller coaster continues. I don't like the dips.

The Show is on the Road.

Yeah! I survived Granny's birthday party. The family behaved very well and the oldies had a ball, even the entertainment was better than I expected. I'm so relieved it is all over. I don't think I truly realised how worried I was about it all until the Saturday afternoon. I've included a picture especially for Ms. Planner!!

Another reminder that I was not 26 weeks pregnant as I had, at one point, worked out I would be for this event. Saturday was also CD1. Still, it wasn't a huge surprise, just another ironic sign that the world is laughing at me.
I phoned the clinic and made an appointment for a day 3 scan on Monday morning. (This was really so awkward for work too. I couldn't even inform them until I wasn't there, if you know what I mean).

I had convinced myself that there would be a reason to be delayed this month. I mean really. I was quite shocked when we got the go ahead to start. The next shock was the box of drugs. Yes, I've seen pictures, but there really are a lot of drugs, huh? The lovely nurse talked me through the procedure and I gave myself my first injection. It was fine. Really fine. I'm so glad.

So, this is my second day of injecting. 225 iu Menopur twice a day for the first two days. Tomorrow I'm down to 225 iu once a day and on Thursday I'm back to the clinic for a scan and (hopefully) if all is well, will start Orgalutran too.

I still can't believe we are finally on this part of the journey. For as long as it has been in the planning stages I didn't actually believe it would come to this. I'm sort of in shock. It is probably best to be in shock. It kind of tones down the reality.

I hope I can continue with my head in the sand for a little while longer. Real life can be ugly. This afternoon I had two pregnancy announcements within an hour and a half. No one who is a big part of my life but they still launched me through a range of emotions, mostly anger (why??). The second one was a girl who told me she was trying when I was pregnant (before it was looking dodgy) I just had this awful feeling that she'd have a baby before me. Even then. That's all sorts of messed up. And sometimes it is really horrible to be right.

I'm calm now. Just got to make it to Thursday without freaking out. Hopefully something is happening and we will get to see this cycle through. Isn't it funny what we wish for sometimes?!!

The Next Exciting Event in my Life.

My Granny is 90 on Friday and we are having a big party. My brother suggested the idea about a year ago, and then went back home to London leaving mum and I to sort it! We're having a meal (Tip to everyone-Don't book a sit down meal when you have a complicated family, the seating plan was a nightmare) As if this wasn't bad enough, we have booked The Tar*tan La*ds ( a pair of silver haired old crooners, must be at least seventy each by now- highlight of Granny's DVD collection) to play. Still, she's really excited so I hope it'll be worth all the headaches. Family are arriving towards the end of the week. Mostly from the UK but my dad, and his wife, are flying over from Australia (she's his mum but my mum was always close to her MIL and continued to be after my dad left)
It'll be nice to see everyone although I am feeling a little tense about both sides of the family being in the same building. It hasn't happened since my parents split. Surely everyone will behave?

And I can't help but think, when I was pregnant in July, I was hoping to be doing all this with a bump. Sigh.

Still, the up and coming cycle helps me not to dwell on what might have been. The short version is....

No down regulation due to my AHM being 17.4 . Seemingly being over 15 puts me at risk of over responding, so I'll start on day 2 or 3 of my next cycle.
CD 1 expected on Sat or Sun so scan/bloods/startMenopur probably Mon or Tue
Another scan/bloods on day 4 of Menopur. Start Orgalutran.
See how it goes.
Possible egg retrieval dates 27 Nov- 3rd Dec??

It all seemed so wooly and far away. I really haven't given it a huge amount of thought. Not really like me. Now I write it I can't believe it is all kicking off so soon.

It's probably good to have had Gran's party to organise, saves over thinking everything else. The major downside of this timing will be having to cope with Christmas only a week or so after learning the outcome. It may not be easy but I still thinks it beats having done nothing. The frustration was killing me.

Please spare a thought for me on Saturday night. Between kilted, geriatric bagpipe players, a room full of 80+ and 90+ (mainly) woman and a family with a LOT of baggage, all in the same room for the first time in a decade. I just hope I manage to make it to next week!!

Cross Pollination Day!!

Today is cross pollination today. I'm afraid I can't display the jazzy bee icon because I'm at work and my work won't let me into Goehde's site. Too many rude words it would seem. Who'd have thought it?!
If you can't guess who the host writer is then follow this link to find out.

Today I am a guest blog writer here. It's Cross Pollination Day! I thought I would take this opportunity to answer the question I posed to the group for the last book tour - Happiness Sold Separately.
When I began visiting other blogs and reading responses I was surprised to see that nearly everyone had answered my question - which I thought was pretty cool. It was my first book tour and I wasn't sure my question was even any good, but apparently it really got people thinking. So, I wanted to share with everyone where it came from.
I have quite a few infertility books, and I keep them on my bookshelf, but when my family or friends come to visit, I always take them off the bookshelf and put them in my bedroom, or at least turn them around so no one can read what they are. I don't really know why I do this. Everyone we know knows what we have been through. But for some reason I still feel a twinge (or more) of embarrassment for not being able to do something that seems so simple, something so many other people do without thinking about it. I'm actually ashamed of myself for feeling this way though because I know that I am helping to keep infertility and pregnancy loss topics that people just don't discuss. I don't want to do that anymore. This is such a lonely and isolating experience that I hate to think about someone else feeling the pain I have felt and not having anyone to talk to about it.
I understand what many of you expressed about it being a private matter that you don't want to discuss and I completely respect that. But for myself, I feel differently now. I used to feel that way too - it was and is a personal matter. But I now feel a really strong need to share my story, my knowledge, my experiences, to help people better understand infertility and people who face it each day.
My goal for myself is to make an effort to not hide my infertility, to not be embarrassed that I couldn't carry my baby for a full-term, to share information with people at appropriate times so that I can help to educate people about these things. I began volunteering for RESOLVE in my area, even though it really hasn't taken off yet here. But I will keep at it and hopefully one day there will be more of a presence. I shared my story with someone the other day whose daughter is just starting fertility treatments. (I heard this through the grapevine) It was difficult to do, to explain to someone who doesn't understand, and of course she said all the "normal" things like not trying so hard and we'll end up with 8 babies using fertility medication, but it was good. I offered my help should her daughter need someone to talk to, to help with shots, or questions. It definitely made me feel less embarrassed of my own situation and I think it may help her better understand what her daughter is going through too.
I want to help to increase the amount of empathy in this world, to make infertility a subject so important to everyone that it gets the attention it deserves from politicians, employers, etc., and to help at least one other person from feeling the isolation that I've felt.
So, that was my motivation for the question. I really enjoyed reading everyone's responses to it. Thank you all for sharing your thoughts and experiences with me.

Short Protocol, Why Would That Be Then??

I got the results back from shiny new clinic. AHM 17.4 (pmol/l), the nurse said this was a good number and, based on this, they would expect a good response.
I only have her word for this as the only guide I have managed to find is their own which reads.....

<1.0 Negligible responses to ovulation drugs. Expected yields of 0-2 eggs. Most are stopped prior to egg pick up.
1.0-5.0 Reduced responses to ovulation drugs. Expected yields of 1-6 eggs (normal average=11 eggs)
>20 High responses to ovulation drugs. Risk of ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome.

We have an appt on Monday for the consent forms etc (and payment, no doubt!) I asked if I was to start down regulating on day 20 or 21, which is either Tues or Wed. The person on the phone (nurse?) said no, I'd be starting on the first day of next cycle.

I didn't question this at the time but now I'm not sure why this would be. Is a short protocol not for those who don't respond well? I've never done stims before so I don't know what to expect. The ovarian assesment was to decide the type of cycle. I'm now wondering if they think I'll have a poor response, in which case why would she say my result was good?

As much as I hate feeling out of my depth, it does look very like we will be able to cycle this month and, for that, I'm grateful. I think it will be a relief to do something, to be trying. I'm not overly confident that it'll all come together and I certainly am not taking the process as a given. I know starting a cycle is only the first hurdle.

I do feel quite at peace though. At the moment I feel we are doing the right thing. I am writing this now to remind myself it the next few weeks. I hope I can hang on to this feeling!

It's All Happening, Or Is It?

I've been back from holiday for over a week now and had great intentions of updating quickly, there has been quite a bit going on.

The holiday was great fun, just what we needed. The days in each port were whirlwind fast as we tried to see as much of each country as possible. The evenings on the ship were amazing. Such good food, reasonable entertainment and friendly people. An added bonus is that the general age range was 50+ (although there were a good number around our age) this meant I felt quite young which was very welcome as I have been feeling very past it lately. Too many bubbly young teachers at work. It was nice to feel spirited again.

The only downside of the whole time away was the fact that I was in the 2WW. CD 1 was due on the Mon and so I was quite excited by its absence, I had decided that if it hadn't arrived by Thur I would be quite safe to POAS in Barcelona. I had this romantic notion of finding out in such a beautiful city. By Wednesday night, however, the dull cramps arrived. I got really quite upset. It is hard enough without all this extra drama. I always find the first couple of cycles after m/c extra traumatic.

Ok, so it was hard to be thrown a scrap of hope but it did lead to a silver lining. It wasn't going to be possible to do blood this cycle but I had already made an appointment to see my GP on the Monday that we arrived home (to ask her if she would go above my consultant and try to refer me for m/c testing directly). This now would be day 5. Yea, blood work for the new clinic could take place this month after all! This means I can return to the old clinic to squeeze in another cycle before Christmas. It isn't as good as being pregnant of course but it is a bonus and it cheered me considerably.

Now I was all geared up. All I had to do was phone the clinic and ask for a day 20 appointment. I hate making these calls. I'm not sure why but I really procrastinate over certain phone calls, they become huge lumps of dread. The reality of the call is always such a relief compared to the build up. I can't work out why I put myself through the anxiety and why I rarely just clear the tasks at the first opportunity.

I hadn't been in touch with this clinic to tell them of the outcome of the pregnancy. On their records I would show six months pregnant so I knew I had all the explaining to do. I should have been in touch with them ages ago but (see last paragraph!) I just have never felt that they deserved an explanation. I was happy to walk away and have nothing more to do with them. Only my recent need to move ahead QUICKLY has made me reconsider.

The phone call didn't go as I'd planned. I asked for a day 20 appointment and she told me I was too late?????? Turns out the clinic is closed for refurbishment. Aghhh. I came off the phone and sat with my head in my hands. I didn't cry, just sat there. To have to cope with not being able to cycle and then it all seemed to work out in the end, why this? Why can't it just be easy.

After about ten minutes of sighing I had another thought. I had recently been told that there was yet another (newly opened) clinic in our area and they had no waiting list yet. I looked up their net pages and liked what I saw. I gave them a phone. They said they thought it may be possible to cycle with them this month. Yea! But I had to have an ovarian assessment and scan. - that evening in an hour and a quarter- if I was to make the cut off for the blood work in time for a decision this cycle. OMG. MR L wasn't even home but he was due in soon. I took the appointment and decided to go for it. He arrived home that very moment, turned around without a grumble (which is unusual when he's expecting to eat!) and off we went.

We only just got there in time. I really liked the clinic. Very nicely presented and the staff seemed thorough. Mr L felt the whole set up was so much more pleasant than the old set up. I am waiting to hear the results of this blood test and to hear whether we will be able to cycle there this month. It is all very rushed, it's not how I like to do things at all. Not a bit BUT I am quite at peace with it all, strangely enough. If we can cycle then I will be pleased to commit despite my lack of previous research (of course I have been Googling ever since and I'm really pleased with my findings) If we can't cycle then I'll be ok with that too. I've done everything possible to make this happen and now there is nothing to be done other than accept the outcome.

(P.s. Has anyone had any experience of the 'Ovarian Assessment Test and AMH blood test - used to determine ovarian reserve' or know the standard results or how does it influence differences in a cycle? )

Happiness Sold Seperately

Elinor seemed to turn all of her books on the subject of infertility backwards on the bookshelves, where Roger found them while cleaning. Why do you think she did so? In what ways do you think people who are struggling with infertility help in keeping infertility such a "taboo" topic? Do you see infertility ever becoming a more accepted or understood topic?

I can completely relate to this one. When I went on holiday I put all my books on fertility and miscarriage in the attic. My mum was feeding the cat. My mum! She knows what we are going through, more or less, but I didn't want her to see the rather well stocked library I have built up. Why? I'm not completely sure. I don't think I want her to know truly how much this whole deal has taken over my life. I don't want her to know how desperate I have become. I don't want her to pity me.
I think that is what is behind my secrecy. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I feel like I have failed and I don't want others thinking of me in this way too.
I know this is not a rational way to think. My losses are no more my fault than any random illness would be, but I see infertility as a failure. My failure. Maybe it is just a pride thing.
I also don't want to discuss infertility with others if I feel they can't really understand how totally consuming it can be. To bare my real feelings and the depth of hurt to someone to be repaid with a, 'well, if it is meant then it'll happen' type comment would ensure the end of a friendship for me. It is just too difficult to explain to the wider world, so I won't.
Unfortunately, although this is a self-preservation technique, it is doing nothing to help infertility to be understood. Even my close friends and family aren't invited into my world. Unless people like me can be comfortable enough to talk, explain and share I don't see it becoming a more understood topic. I think it will always be taboo for me.



The book explores different kinds of love. It seems that their battle with fertility (and really Elinor's battle with herself) has changed the type of love Ted feels for his wife. Has your journey with infertility and/or loss changed the love between you and your spouse?

Absolutely. No one in the world has a better idea of my journey than my husband. He doesn't always understand everything but I can be totally honest with him. His babies died too so I don't get angry at his advice or assume he doesn't understand the hurt. Having him be my rock has taken me to a new level of respect and love for him. He has stuck by me through some black times, he has shown patience I didn't know he had. He doesn't judge me or expect me to act or feel a certain way. He has held my hand through some ugly scenes and he still loves me. We have definitely grown closer. I wish it hadn't happened for these reasons but I am glad our relationship has developed such depth.





As we see glimpses into Ted & Elinor's relationship after their unsuccessful fertility treatments, we discover that Ted seeks solace in the garage and the gym -- places where he can "fix" things. Elinor finds refuge in the laundry room and by re-reading classic novels from college. Why do you think Elinor is drawn to these activities? What activities do you engage in as a way to soothe your soul during your fertility quest and why do you think you are drawn to them? What about your partner - does he/she have places or tasks that provide some refuge?

We are very like Ted and Elinor in this respect. My husband retreats to the garage and motorbikes. He likes to restore classic bikes. When life is difficult he'll start a new project. It takes his mind off things I suppose. Gives him an escape, a focus. It seems to work for him.
I am like Elinor too. When I am down I can't bear to be with people. Nothing seems to cheer me up as much as a full day of housework. No interruptions. I love to clean. It has a purpose, it is physical and it makes me feel good. I can lift my spirits. I don't know if it is symbolic, it doesn't feel it. I just like to clean.
Funny that I don't like to clean nearly so much when I am happy. I haven't realised that before!


Intrigued by the idea of a book tour and want to read more about Happiness Sold Separately? Hop along to more stops on the Barren Bitches Book Tour by visiting the master list at http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/. Want to come along for the next tour? Sign up begins today for tour #8 (The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood) and all are welcome to join along . All you need is a book and blog.

Frustration, More Frustration and a Little Fun.

It is getting so early dark here. Winter is just around the corner. It has made me impatient, another year almost over, I'm still not pregnant, time is marching on. Here's the frustration part..........

We went along to the potential new clinic last Monday. I liked the doctor but he reckons we don't need IVF straight away. He wants to wait 6 months (What for?) and then start in March. He's not asking us, he has decided. Now this seems like a long time away to me. March. I was hoping for.......hmmmm......next cycle. We have started the proceedings with the Hep B, Hep C, HIV tests having been done there and then . I have a line for day 3 testing of... FSH, estradoil, LH, Prolactin, TSH, rubella, full blood count, testosterone and thyroxine. Most of these have already been done but he wants them done again. Seems to me that no doctor actually trusts another, doesn't help me to trust any of them!

Even more frustrating, I have drawn a blank at the miscarriage testing. My gynaecologist just will not entertain it. She does not accept the first two pregnancies as clinical (they didn't need any medical intervention and the first wasn't even on my GPs notes). She will not even speak about them other than say early losses are very common. I even wrote to her asking that she refers us for further testing based on 4 losses, being over 35 and about to start another IVF cycle (which she did refer me for) I wrote so that there would be a copy of my letter in my file and she'd have to reply in writing. I thought this would make her a little more accountable for her actions and therefore more likely to help. In her reply she only referred to the losses that needed ERPCs and told me that guidelines do not recommend testing yet. I am so frustrated at her, at the NHS, at the whole deal. There seems to be nothing I can do to receive decent healthcare round here.

So I now have a problem, well two problems really. In a complete about turn from not wanting to try again, I now want to try IMMEDIATELY. I have had it with the waiting and hoping. I want to do everything in my power to get, and stay, pregnant or have closure if it doesn't happen. I need this torture to end, I can't have my life on hold indefinitely.
So the first dilemma was whether or not to go back to the original clinic ( I have already paid for a cycle and haven't done it yet) I wasn't impressed by their treatment last time but it would be a start, then I'd have new clinic to fall back on in March. I kind of decided that this is what I would do when problem number two emerged. My husband doesn't want to. He want to DIY until March.

I have tried to explain my need to move forward quickly but he reckons we are going to fall pregnant in the next couple of cycles. Based on what?? Of course I asked him this and he replied that he just felt it. Sigh. After much discussion, ok , me talking, him glazing over, he said, and I quote, " Well, I won't fight you."
What sort of commitment is that? It means I have to decide, if it all goes wrong I've wasted our money and I'll have to put up with the look. The 'I told you so' look. I am going mad with the overthinking. Absolutely mad.

Everything if complicated even further by the fact that we are going on holiday and my period is due that week (why wouldn't it be?) This means I can't get the day 3 blood work done for the new clinic. This will also mean I can't start down regulation, at the old clinic, on day 20, I think. I'm no doctor but I would imagine that doing day 3 blood work next month whilst down regulated may lead to some interesting results, no? So.... Now it looks like the earliest we can cycle, if everything else goes our way, would be December. What are the chances of the clinic running as normal. I just know I'd end up with retrieval on Christmas day or something equally as awkward. Cycling in January might be too close to March? I really don't know. It's all too hard. My head hurts!

The fun part is the holiday I mentioned. A cruise round the Med. We booked it on the Friday after the final scan, (before the ERPC on the Monday). We really can't afford it as, of course, we are looking at further IVF treatment but we felt we needed to get away. For a while I felt like it was a huge mistake. I was so miserable that I didn't really want to go away but I am looking forward to it now. It'll be fun to spend some time together.

Perhaps I'll relax so much I might even........ Well, I can dream.

A Change of Heart

I'm still alive and fairly well. Thank you all for your concern and support. To be honest I read over my last post and I think it seems a little over dramatic now I look back. It was, however, truthfully the way I felt at the time so I guess it's good to look back at and realise I am making progress.

Life is very busy at work right now. It always is at the beginning of term but this year we have had a huge staff turnover. I'm sure the new (very young and super keen) staff think I'm an unfriendly old crow but I can live with that! I have one of the most challenging classes I have ever had so that keeps me on my toes.

I'm still a little anti-social but I'm feeling better about life in general. I don't see any reason to force myself in to social gatherings at the moment so I have given myself permission to stay home if I like.

The exception to this is the gym. I haven't been at the gym for such a long time. During my last pregnancy, mc and aftermath I put on a fair bit of weight. I'm determined not to put on any more so I forced myself to go back. In fact worse, I forced my (fit and active) husband to join so I had company and someone to motivate me. It was the best move ever. I feel so much better for the exercise. I forgot how much I enjoy having exercised, if not the actual exercise itself. And I can't believe what bad form I'm in. Yikes. I knew I was carrying more weight than usual but I'd kind of convinced myself that I was still fairly fit under it. No way! Still, it's a step in the right direction.

On the TTC or not TTC front. Well that question really answered itself. I ovulated four weeks after the ERPC, I wasn't charting but I did pee on a few OPK. It felt wrong to ovulate and not even try. I guess that's the plan then, keep trying. It is CD 1 so this cycle was a bust, fancy that, but I feel better now we've decided not to quit.

I also saw my consultant about two weeks ago. She has referred me to a different IVF clinic. I wasn't keen on going back to the other after the doctor was so dismissive at the 7 week scan. We have our first appointment there on the 24th. That is super speedy for my part of the world. It is only to discuss possibilities and we haven't committed to anything but I think we probably will.

So, I said never again and, without doubt, no IVF ever and here we are trying again and looking at IVF. How fickle is that? It seems that giving up is far harder than I imagined and way, way harder than trying again. I can't stand the thought of looking back in 10 years time and wishing we'd tried a little harder, I don't want all these attempts to be for nothing. I hope I'm doing the right thing. I guess time will tell.


P.S. Jan, the lady who left me the comment about the Edinburgh Miscarriage Group. Thank you very much, I got in touch and went along. Sue says Hi. I finally met someone, in real life, that gets it. How bizarre!