Happy(?) Blogday to Me

Today marks a year of Blogging for me. I wonder what I thought I would gain from keeping a diary when I started.
I had been a reader for a while so I think I hoped to share knowledge and experiences, to learn from others who had been there, but I had no idea I would communicate with people so deeply that I would consider them my friends.

Starting this Blog has been a lifeline. I feel so isolated from life around me right now, so withdrawn, I really don't think I would have coped without an outlet that validates my feelings. I think being able to support others has helped too. Knowing I am not the only person in the world to have ever felt this way.

It is odd then to think that such support could, in a way, add to the feeling of loneliness too. I looked back on the Bloggers that I originally connected with. I thought of my first Blogroll. So so so many of them have moved forwards in their journey. On a good day this makes me extremely happy and gives me hope, on a bad day it seems to underline my lack of progress.

I am really feeling left behind right now. I am so worried that I will always be on this side. I am trying to get together a plan of action for my next move but I have lost my way. I feel like I am fighting all the time, it has been going on for so long. I am tired of it all.

I wonder what this Blog will say in a years time?

Sometimes I Hate Being Right

Another failed cycle.

I'm off to lick my wounds for a while.

7dp3dt

Apologies for the lame title, I just want to document this phase. It was helpful to look back at this time last cycle, unfortunately I think it is remarkably similar.
I have been really very positive this cycle, I just felt this was going to work out. I've had light cramping on and off since transfer which was different from last time, I was hoping, therefore, that the outcome would be different too.
You'll notice this is written in past tense. Today I am utterly convinced this is not to be. I have that awful dull ache that always heralds the arrival of my period. Exactly the same day as I felt it last time, way earlier than I would in a natural cycle (possibly significant?).
I haven't much else to say right now, obviously I am hoping I am wrong, I will gladly eat my words.
I don't think I'll have to though :-(

The Girls are Home

The transfer went well and I now have two lovely little embryos setting up home for a while.

We did a 3dt. Out of the seven fertilised eggs, two were very much 'in front'. We transferred 2 grade 1 embryos, one was 8 cell but the other was only 6 cell (is that a bad sign?).
I wish I had asked more questions at the time. I think I get 'white coat syndrome' I just assume that the medics know best (which I am sure they do) but after the fact I think of all the questions I should have asked.
The other embryos each had some degree of fragmentation but I don't know how much or how many cells. The fragmentation means the clinic won't freeze. They don't seem to be very keen to freeze at all.

So, that's it done. Now the wait. I'm off work for a little while which is great, no need to rush about or stress.

Eggs in One Basket

9 eggs. 7 fertilised.

Day 3 transfer set for 1pm on Thursday, I'm not sure if we get to go to blast if things look good then. The clinic require 4 great quality embryos on day 3 before considering blast. I'm also not even sure the clinic do transfers on a Saturday :-(

One slight hiccup, Mr L said yesterday that he won't do IVF again. He thinks it is taking over our lives. I'm not sure if it is just a reaction from the recent stress, he seems adamant though, and he is a very stubborn man. I'm just letting it go for the moment, there is enough to think about right now. We can discuss this later if necessary.

I'm trying to be calm but it is hard not to panic a little.

Passing Time

I've been tagged by the beautiful M to come up with a list of who's hot. A lovely diversion I think!

Now, of course, I don't ordinarily search the web for fine men, but a tag is a tag, no?!


Here's who I think......

Gordon Ramsay, celebrity chef. He is such a tough guy but so nice with his family. His first three children are all IVF kids too (and the fourth was a surprise!) but I liked him long before I found this out ;-)

Johnny Depp, nothing to add!

Russell Brand, he is just sweet and so quick with words, a trait I really admire. He is also a recovering addict. I have a lot of respect for people who have overcome their demons.

David Beckham, really not my type in real life but there is just something nice about him.



I'm not sure I should admit to this one! Boris Johnson, he's a politician and a bit of a clown. I think he'd be fun! Who doesn't like laughing?


Well, that managed to take my mind off tomorrow's EC for a little while. I'm due at the clinic at the crack of dawn. At least there isn't too long to stress (this bit) now.

As for the tag, I know this isn't every ones cup of tea, but it was fun....

I tag Silver from Hope for the Best. (a new blogger and been a big support to me IRL, please pop over and say welcome) also Chicklet and Christina, and, of course, anyone else looking for a way to waste, er... I mean spend a little free time.

IVF #2 (and a half)

Thank you all so so much for your comments of support after my last post. I didn't want to write it, I felt so foolish, I thought about just walking away from the Blog. In the end I posted but didn't expect such comfort. I can't imagine not knowing all you ladies. Thank you all.

The clinic let me carry on with the IVF despite the chemical. Although I started a few days later than expected, the scan/bloods showed I was down regulated.

This cycle has been so much harder than the last. I've had headaches and felt really nauseous. Just yuck all through.

Day 8 scan yesterday showed six follicles on one side and seven on the other. All between 10 and 12 mm. I'm pleased with this but I'm just taking it one step at a time, over thinking just doesn't help.

I have a major day at work on Thursday. Very stressful but I'm taking some time off from Friday. Apart from this there is not an awful lot of excitement right now. I'm just concentrating on growing some pretty eggs!

Back in the Trenches

So it turns out I can add another chemical to my list of failures. I don't have much else to say. I am sick of feeling like a freak and a failure.

I hate that I was excited enough to be able to post some good news for a change that I went ahead and shared.
I hate that everyone was so hopeful and cheery and, yet again, I have to follow up with bad news.
I hate that keeping hold of a baby seems beyond me.
I hate that I am far less surprised about how this turned out than most people would (or should) be.
I hate that I have day 3 scan and blood work tomorrow and I have so. very. little. hope. of this journey ever ending in a real live baby.
I hate that I am so very embarassed about this.
I hate that sad is my default setting and has been for so long now.
I hate that my husband cried about this whilst I drank wine, ate chocolate and spent a whole lot on new clothes on my credit card.

I hate this whole deal. I hate it.

Also, how spooky/strange/awful is it that my latest Amaz*n book recommendations were e mailed to me today and they are all (and this is the first time this has happened) about coping with living child free and moving on?

Maybe Lightning Doesn't Strike Twice

I weed on two more sticks this morning. The internet cheapie was as faint as yesterday, certainly no darker. The Early Response one was so pale that I had to hold it at certain angles to even see the second line.
Could it just be more dilute wee? I'm prepared for a chemical. I had one of those a year past September. I'll test again in the morning, it should be very clear which way this is going by then.
Poor Mr L is working in the Northern Isles for the rest of the week. He was flying early and woke me up so I could pee! I had already, about an hour and a half earlier. He said, 'but this isn't what I expected.' Poor man really.
You'd think he'd learn not to expect anything at all.

What's With Me and The Downregulation?

Would a very very faint second line at 11 dpo (during down regulation-again!) be anything to get my hopes up for?

Time will tell.

Freaking out.

24 Months

Two years ago today we found out our 16 week baby no longer had a heartbeat. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to cope with. It still hurts. I still miss the life that never was to be.

Two years later, I'm glad I didn't know then how hard all of this would continue to be.

Makes me wonder what the future will hold. Makes me wonder if I'd want to know. Makes me wonder if it will ever be easier.

Sometimes I can be grateful for what I have, sometimes I wish things were so different.

Trying to Hope

Wow, it seems this is my first post of 2008. Now that is a little slack.


I suppose I haven't had much to say.

I'm not sure if it is the January blues, my birthday (37 today, how did that happen?) or the whole hopeless TTC stuff but I just don't seem to want to communicate.

In short, I am a miserable old girl who is wallowing in a sea of self pity. I am really quite worried that I am pushing my husband too far these days. All I seem to do is mope and moan and go on about our situation. It worries me that he'll just get to the point of thinking it isn't worth it.


I don't even like being with me right now, why should he?



Anyway, onwards and upwards as they say.


On the TTC front, well, I ordered myself £808 worth of drugs this morning! Happy Birthday to me!!! We are going to cycle again.


At my follow up appointment with the (very lovely) doctor from the clinic he said.....



Yes, the previous cycle had gone very well and we had two top quality embryos. He had no answers to why these didn't take, just bad luck probably (hmmm, more bad luck. Not so scientific sometimes,these doctors) however he did realise that, although my AMH had thrown me into the potential high/over responders group, with 5 eggs, I hadn't over responded. The next cycle will therefore be a different protocol.



So.......


I have started on Metformin (making me feel -but not be- sick most of the day, yuck) This cycle I will be down-regulated (Lupron), then the same dose of Menopur and then we'll see how I respond. He is hopeful for more eggs without a loss of quality. It does seem like a guessing game but I am happy enough with the plan.


Cysts etc allowing, down regulation is on the 4th February so starting stims around 14th-18th February? Possible EC around end of Feb.


I'm really hoping to gather a little hope and enthusiasm between now and the start of this cycle. Right now I just want to cry when I think of doing it all again. Then again, the alternative, the do nothing and get even older, scares me witless. It really is a case of being between a rock and a hard place.

I have been pregnant at 34, 35 and 36. Please let this be the one for 37. And please let this one be a real live baby. Please.

Goodbye 2007-Welcome 2008

So 2007 is almost over.

I was going to write a good/ bad list of things that have happened but I've decided against it. Trawling over things won't change anything and, as much as I'm a little fragile right now, I have a lot to be thankful for.

2007 really was a year of two halves. The first half was quite positive really. Nothing much happened but I healed as a person.


You see, at the beginning of 2006 I was pregnant and positive, into the second trimester, quite relaxed even. When this went wrong, on the 25th January, that was the end of 2006 for me, I sank into the most awful black time. I went from bad to worse. 2006 was THE year from HELL.

At the beginning of 2007 I started to get back on track, making plans, looking forward. We found a clinic and committed to IVF. Scary but it was progress

Then a massive up, we came to the first IVF in June/July. Surprise pregnancy during down regulation, yeah!

The second half wasn't so settled, a drawn out miscarriage and then an IVF (take 2) failure.


But I survived. Yes I was sad, I am sad, but I didn't go back to where I had been in 2006, not by a long way.

After the miscarriage and even the IVF failure I was really worried about how I would cope. In 2006 I realised how easily one can fall into a pit of blackness and how difficult it is to try to climb out. I never want to be in that place again. Sometimes that makes me anxious to avoid situations that could push me in this direction. Unfortunately, when TTC , it is just impossible to avoid. There is no way around it. Either you put yourself on the line and try, or you don't. There is no way to protect yourself or guarantee success.

I have had an up and down year, and some of it has been hard, but there has been a difference too. In 2007 I joined an amazing community of woman who were struggling with the same demons as I was/am. I was no longer alone. I no longer felt isolated and afraid of my own feelings. I could relate to others who communicated their feelings better than I ever could, if you can relate to others then your own feelings are validated too. It was my saviour this year. You all made the difference this year.

This community can't change the outcome but it certainly has made the journey so much more bearable. Thank you all for being there.

As for 2008. Let's hope it is filled with happy news and good things. I know it'll be full of support, no matter what. For all of us.

Happy Hogmanay.

Christmas 2007

Hope everyone has managed to get through Christmas without too many scars. It really is a bittersweet time of the year for me, and I'm sure I'm not alone.
This year my brother, SIL and 9 month old niece stayed with us. On Christmas day we were joined by my mum, her husband, my granny and aunt and uncle. My entire family were focused around my niece. She is adorable and I am so pleased I could share her first Christmas. But it is hard. Very hard.
I can't help but think that without the miscarriages we would have been sharing Christmas with our own child/children. How different it would be with a two and a half year old, or an eighteen month toddler or even to be seven months pregnant?

As for IVF #1. The clinic were very sweet on my outcome day. I arrived to find a little crowd around a new born baby at the front desk. A nurse spotted me immediately and virtually ran to me, she took my arm and led me to a side room. I can't fault the staff. They have been as kind and caring as is possible.

I got a (surprise) phone call on Thursday to say that the team had reviewed my case and they felt everything had gone well. The recommendation would be to repeat the same protocol if I wished to cycle again. I have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow to discuss the cycle and possible next steps.


This is where my problem now lies. I have no idea what I want to do next. Ironically, my husband- remember him- the reluctant one, is now hell bent on jumping straight into another cycle. Starting in January. He reckons there is no point in putting it off. It'll be soooo much easier next time, he tells me, now we know what to expect. It wasn't that bad at all, not half as bad as he expected. Oh how I laugh.
I, on the other hand, am not so sure. I can see his thinking, the longer we leave it the more of an issue it becomes. I know I feel better doing something than marking time, but my attitude stinks.

This IVF failure wasn't nice, it was hard, but my expectations are no longer that high. I didn't expect it to work but I certainly wouldn't have done it if I had no hope at all. It is staying pregnant that I worried about most. I certainly didn't expect a take home baby and a failure at this stage is easier to cope with than another miscarriage. But that's the problem.

I no longer think this process is going to work. The getting and staying pregnant. I really don't see a happy ending. Mr L is also fairly realistic about this, we have decided that three (possibly four) IVFs and natural TTC until next January, when I'll be 38, is it. We'll have to draw a line and move on. I have been getting pregnant, being pregnant or getting over being pregnant for almost all of my thirties. It has to stop, I can't do it half hearted, it's taken over my life. The whole IVF thing is as much to be able to look back without regret, to know we tried.

What now, another IVF? Jumping through the emotional and financial hoops. Is it worth it?

Perhaps I'm being over-dramatic, perhaps with time this will all seem less traumatic. Right now, four miscarriages, two perfect embryos and a failed IVF, it all adds up to nothing. Isn't it foolish to expect anything different?

A picture is worth a thousand words.....

7dp3dt

A quick update so I can use the snappy title. I can't do a whole IVF cycle and not have at least one title like the above!

I'm halfway through the second week now. The first week was ok really. I was off work and took it easy doing little tasks, watching daytime TV and relaxing. Perfect to be honest. I was so glad to be off work. I was also quite tearful at times which took me by surprise. I know that I have been overly emotional (well, for me) when I was pregnant in the past so I thought this was a good sign, if somewhat embarrassing (not that anyone saw me, just embarrassed myself thankfully!) it seems to have settled down now though.

This last few days I am much less settled, and also less hopeful. I have had no implantation bleeding and last night I felt as though my period was starting. I even dreamt it had started overnight, and woke up in a state. It isn't here, but it feels like it's on its way :-(

'Outcome day', as they call it, is Saturday. It's not a beta just a urine test. If I get that far I'm going to test before then myself. I was thinking Friday, but I'll probably crumble by Thursday (10dp3dt.) It should be clear by then. I peed on a OPK this morning, just because it was there. It was lily white! Hmmmm. I've never tested + before 13dpo before so it still could just be too early. I'm not sure if it's the fear of knowing, or the lack of symptoms, but right now I'm pretty sure this isn't the cycle for us. Still hoping though, it is a magical time of the year after all!


I hope the 2WW is racing by for all my cycle sisters too. There is a whole bunch of us, Becks, Chicklet , M, Amy, Tracey, Geohde and Makingpeace and it has been so great to be travelling with such great company, it makes this whole journey that little bit less frightening. All the very best girls!

We Got There!!

We made it to transfer! I'm so grateful. I really didn't think it was going to happen and it would all be for nothing. I understood the physical process already, but I really under-estimated the stress of waiting for each next step.

The transfer was fine. A few catheters were tried out first (more than one would expect, I believe), but it was ok.

We transferred two embryos. Both grade 1. One eight celled, one nine celled. I am a bit worried about the nine cell, I thought they should have been even numbers. The embryologist didn't seem worried. We had another eight celled but it was grade two so she choose this instead.

So now it's the waiting game. No matter what, I'm pleased we got this far.

Breathe Out

Four out of the five fertilised. We may still get to transfer on Monday (please, please, please).

As von so rightly said, I should try to cross one bridge at a time. It is so difficult to do but it makes sense. The whole deal is just too overwhelming.

Not So Much of the Over-responding

I had a feeling this cycle was doomed right from the scan that showed only six follicles. I had thoughts of cancelling but decided to go with it for a bit. As you know, a few more follies joined in and I felt a lot more happy.

At retrieval today I was hoping for about eight eggs. Not the biggest crop but I thought it would be ok. As it happens we only got five. 5. I'm so disappointed.

The embryologist was very sweet and said we're looking for quality here, not quantity. I know she's right but it stands to reason that more choice is best.

Of course some won't fertilise and then, out of any that (hopefully) do, some won't divide well. I'm not all that hopeful that we'll even get to transfer at all. Shit, this is tough.


I suppose it is all a learning curve. It did seem that I was at risk of over-stimulating. Seems quite funny now. We can change the protocol for next time.

Fertilisation report tomorrow morning. I'd love to be able to post a happier story soon. Please keep your fingers crossed that some of them make it.

What Could Go Wrong?

Could the trigger injection make me ultra emotional? Perhaps I have just finally cracked, something is definitely making me cry.

This week, the one where I'm patting myself on the back for taking -almost-everything in my stride, just took on a new look.

Last night I had to trigger at 7.30 to be ready for theatre Friday morning. I must say that is one pressure injection, I was worrying about spilling it or screwing it up all day. I got home at six and decided to walk my dogs locally rather than drive to the usual park, just in case the car broke down or I got held up. Over the top cautious but 'better safe than sorry' is a definite trait of mine.

I walked them around the woods out the back of my house and played with a ball a little. It was pitch black so not much fun but good enough. About 6.45 I thought I'd head back to get all sorted. Bath, mixed up etc. Mr L was working late so it was just me. I trudged through the woods until I was just at the back of my house, not far from the garden gate, and then Wham!! I fell over. Spectacularly.

There is a huge log that has been there forever, I was being so careful about walking when it was so dark, but I must have lost concentration and forgot. I fell right over it. A comedy fall, not a trip. My hand went down a ditch and ny head/nose hit a huge rock. There was such a cracking noise and this huge white flash. Like a cartoon. I didn't think that really happened but it does! I was sure I'd broken my nose.

I gathered myself together in a daze and headed indoors, collected ice from the freezer and made a cold pack. I looked at myself in the mirror. What a mess! and I mean mess.

I phoned my mum and as soon as she spoke I started to howl. I gave her such a fright too because I just couldn't speak for crying. And I couldn't stop.

It was now twenty past seven and I had to get ready for the trigger. Still sobbing, I put the ice pack down, mixed the Pregnyl, injected the mix and went back to cooling my eye. I didn't stop crying.

I'm swollen today. It hasn't really bruised (I never bruise) but both my nose and left eye are fairly puffy and fat. And I'm still emotional. So much so I've taken the day off work, that's just not like me.

Theatre tomorrow morning. No make up, as spotty as I've ever been in my life, and now with a fat nose and swollen eye. Fantastic. It gets better and better.