Sunday, September 16, 2007

A Change of Heart

I'm still alive and fairly well. Thank you all for your concern and support. To be honest I read over my last post and I think it seems a little over dramatic now I look back. It was, however, truthfully the way I felt at the time so I guess it's good to look back at and realise I am making progress.

Life is very busy at work right now. It always is at the beginning of term but this year we have had a huge staff turnover. I'm sure the new (very young and super keen) staff think I'm an unfriendly old crow but I can live with that! I have one of the most challenging classes I have ever had so that keeps me on my toes.

I'm still a little anti-social but I'm feeling better about life in general. I don't see any reason to force myself in to social gatherings at the moment so I have given myself permission to stay home if I like.

The exception to this is the gym. I haven't been at the gym for such a long time. During my last pregnancy, mc and aftermath I put on a fair bit of weight. I'm determined not to put on any more so I forced myself to go back. In fact worse, I forced my (fit and active) husband to join so I had company and someone to motivate me. It was the best move ever. I feel so much better for the exercise. I forgot how much I enjoy having exercised, if not the actual exercise itself. And I can't believe what bad form I'm in. Yikes. I knew I was carrying more weight than usual but I'd kind of convinced myself that I was still fairly fit under it. No way! Still, it's a step in the right direction.

On the TTC or not TTC front. Well that question really answered itself. I ovulated four weeks after the ERPC, I wasn't charting but I did pee on a few OPK. It felt wrong to ovulate and not even try. I guess that's the plan then, keep trying. It is CD 1 so this cycle was a bust, fancy that, but I feel better now we've decided not to quit.

I also saw my consultant about two weeks ago. She has referred me to a different IVF clinic. I wasn't keen on going back to the other after the doctor was so dismissive at the 7 week scan. We have our first appointment there on the 24th. That is super speedy for my part of the world. It is only to discuss possibilities and we haven't committed to anything but I think we probably will.

So, I said never again and, without doubt, no IVF ever and here we are trying again and looking at IVF. How fickle is that? It seems that giving up is far harder than I imagined and way, way harder than trying again. I can't stand the thought of looking back in 10 years time and wishing we'd tried a little harder, I don't want all these attempts to be for nothing. I hope I'm doing the right thing. I guess time will tell.

P.S. Jan, the lady who left me the comment about the Edinburgh Miscarriage Group. Thank you very much, I got in touch and went along. Sue says Hi. I finally met someone, in real life, that gets it. How bizarre!