Tuesday, June 19, 2007

The Real Me.

Firstly, thanks everyone, what a lot of lovely, encouraging comments you left after my, trying to be positive, post.

Secondly, I think I need to sort out some confusion. I may have left you all with the impression that I am all calm and zen. Not quite true. I'd love to be one of these incredibly giving woman who goes through life with never a bad thought. Also not true.

What I really meant in my last post that was, although I'd still rather not hear of all these pregnancies, I've kind of learned to distance myself. To keep myself from falling apart over every announcement. It isn't easy and I still have the panicky sick feeling and the want to scream BUT after the initial stinging slap, for my own best interests, I am learning to separate their good news from my lack of good news. To try and remember they are not getting pregnant to annoy me or to prove how much more womanly or healthy they are, it doesn't make them better people or more deserving. And, I try to remember, that although I want to be a mum so badly, to build OUR family, I don't want their lives. My life, apart from the obvious, suits me very well.

That said, I still have a pregnancy radar. I feel the need to continuously assess the likelihood of anyone I know, of child bearing age, becoming pregnant. I dread surprise announcements most of all. I still avoid pregnant woman, even my friends, whenever possible. I rarely ask how someone is keeping, or when they are due or any of the other appropriate chit chat. It's just too hard still.

Just thought I'd clear that up. I'm really not a happy, positive, salt-of-the-earth type. I'm just trying to make my life easier to live, for me. Hope I haven't disappointed anyone!

On the cycle news.
I've been at the clinic yesterday. The scan showed everything fine (No cysts, whew) so I had the Prostap injection. That's that then, The show is officially on the road. OMG.OMG. OMG. OMG. OMG. Just waiting for the mood swings/ hot flushes etc to start. Joy.

There was a little moment in the car park where I really, really thought about just not going in. I mean seriously. It does overwhelm me, it really does.

Just to demonstrate what a wicked person I am, the highlight of my visit had to be the nurse warning my husband of the possible probable mood swings etc. She really laid it on thick (well I really hope she was!) His face was a picture. He's even text me today to see how I am.

I reckon, for the first time ever, he's just as nervous as me right now. Yahoo.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Well I Never....+ Thinking May Actually Work.

There might actually be something in this positive thinking stuff. I can't quite believe that something as simple as just accepting stuff really reduces stress, but you know, I think it does.

Last Friday I found out we had been lapped. Now when I was between pregnancy two and pregnancy three a friend of mine got back in touch. She was about six months pregnant. Even then I wasn't too keen on hanging out with pregnant woman but she's really, really sweet, and she ended up working temporarily in the same school as me. I knew she had suffered a miscarriage the year before and I kind of filled her in on what was going on in our lives. As I said, she was really sweet.

In November she had her little boy. I was newly pregnant with my longest pregnancy. It was quite exciting. I lost the pregnancy in the January but I actually continued to spent a fair bit of time with her and her son. She really seemed to understand and she's a very good listener and I have very few people I've opened up to so it was nice to be able to talk things over.

Anyhoo, I was speaking to her mum on Friday and she just mentioned that my friend is pregnant again. Cue sick feeling. I can't believe people are on to baby number two and we still aren't happily expecting number one. Just. shouldn't. be. like. this.

This announcement would normally have floored me and sent me under a black cloud for at least a week, maybe two but I keep thinking of my acupuncture lady and her advice. This too is going to happen anyway and nothing I can do or say will change that (and of course I wouldn't really want to change it. I just don't want to know about it) so I tried out my newly found positivity.

It's ok. I keep saying it over and over again. And it is because her expecting again really doesn't make me any more or less pregnant, or less likely to be (if that makes sense.) I can't believe how calm I feel, every time it comes into my mind I just say, it is ok. It is.

Now I'm not suggesting I'm overly jolly but I'm not in a huge heap of self pity as I usually would be. I certainly have thought of all the times I may run into her and made a mental note of ways to avoid such meetings.

But I'm ok, because it will happen anyway, and that's ok too.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

I'm Trying to be Positive (it isn't always easy)

What a week or two its been, I've been flat out trying to get everything done. Work is manic, it always is at this time of year. Being at school camp last week left me behind with a load of stuff to catch up on at home. I feel like I've hardly stood still (except for watching The Apprentice last night but that was a have to do!)

With all the stress of everything I'm actually really pleased that this cycle was delayed. If things had gone to the original time scale we'd be smack bang in the middle of it and I can't imagine how stressful it would be to fit in appointments. I'd also worry about the stress I'm under and if it might have decreased our chances.

Tonight, straight from work, I had the hairdressers. I'm not really into the 'treat' element of a trip to the salon. It's more a necessary chore, today however, I was looking forward to the break. Two and a half hours of sitting still and chatting. Bliss.
As the first few foils were applied a girl was placed next to me. I didn't really notice at first until her hairdresser started talking about hormones. Yup, you've guessed haven't you? Of course, she was pregnant.

Over two hours of pregnancy talk. A surprise baby. Not particularly wanted by all accounts. The continuous moaning of how life would have to change. How much she was sacrificing. How she was fed up with being pregnant. I tried to glance and see how far on she was, I couldn't get any idea due to the gown but during the conversation it transpired she was eight weeks. Eight weeks and fed up. Sigh.

On our cycle news- Drugs have been ordered. Down regs start 18th June assuming no cysts at scan ( please no cysts) and the rest will pan out after that.

My lady at acupuncture was asking how my mood was and if I was up and happy. I was trying to explain how anxious I was. She said I have to be joyful and hopeful. I answered that although that sounded like a jolly plan I was struggling to get there. She replied by saying 'No struggling. You will do this anyway so no worry, You embrace it.' I was about to dismiss this comment as her not understanding but, with a little more thought, I see what she means.
So I am.