Monday, December 31, 2007

Goodbye 2007-Welcome 2008

So 2007 is almost over.

I was going to write a good/ bad list of things that have happened but I've decided against it. Trawling over things won't change anything and, as much as I'm a little fragile right now, I have a lot to be thankful for.

2007 really was a year of two halves. The first half was quite positive really. Nothing much happened but I healed as a person.

You see, at the beginning of 2006 I was pregnant and positive, into the second trimester, quite relaxed even. When this went wrong, on the 25th January, that was the end of 2006 for me, I sank into the most awful black time. I went from bad to worse. 2006 was THE year from HELL.

At the beginning of 2007 I started to get back on track, making plans, looking forward. We found a clinic and committed to IVF. Scary but it was progress

Then a massive up, we came to the first IVF in June/July. Surprise pregnancy during down regulation, yeah!

The second half wasn't so settled, a drawn out miscarriage and then an IVF (take 2) failure.

But I survived. Yes I was sad, I am sad, but I didn't go back to where I had been in 2006, not by a long way.

After the miscarriage and even the IVF failure I was really worried about how I would cope. In 2006 I realised how easily one can fall into a pit of blackness and how difficult it is to try to climb out. I never want to be in that place again. Sometimes that makes me anxious to avoid situations that could push me in this direction. Unfortunately, when TTC , it is just impossible to avoid. There is no way around it. Either you put yourself on the line and try, or you don't. There is no way to protect yourself or guarantee success.

I have had an up and down year, and some of it has been hard, but there has been a difference too. In 2007 I joined an amazing community of woman who were struggling with the same demons as I was/am. I was no longer alone. I no longer felt isolated and afraid of my own feelings. I could relate to others who communicated their feelings better than I ever could, if you can relate to others then your own feelings are validated too. It was my saviour this year. You all made the difference this year.

This community can't change the outcome but it certainly has made the journey so much more bearable. Thank you all for being there.

As for 2008. Let's hope it is filled with happy news and good things. I know it'll be full of support, no matter what. For all of us.

Happy Hogmanay.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Christmas 2007

Hope everyone has managed to get through Christmas without too many scars. It really is a bittersweet time of the year for me, and I'm sure I'm not alone.
This year my brother, SIL and 9 month old niece stayed with us. On Christmas day we were joined by my mum, her husband, my granny and aunt and uncle. My entire family were focused around my niece. She is adorable and I am so pleased I could share her first Christmas. But it is hard. Very hard.
I can't help but think that without the miscarriages we would have been sharing Christmas with our own child/children. How different it would be with a two and a half year old, or an eighteen month toddler or even to be seven months pregnant?

As for IVF #1. The clinic were very sweet on my outcome day. I arrived to find a little crowd around a new born baby at the front desk. A nurse spotted me immediately and virtually ran to me, she took my arm and led me to a side room. I can't fault the staff. They have been as kind and caring as is possible.

I got a (surprise) phone call on Thursday to say that the team had reviewed my case and they felt everything had gone well. The recommendation would be to repeat the same protocol if I wished to cycle again. I have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow to discuss the cycle and possible next steps.

This is where my problem now lies. I have no idea what I want to do next. Ironically, my husband- remember him- the reluctant one, is now hell bent on jumping straight into another cycle. Starting in January. He reckons there is no point in putting it off. It'll be soooo much easier next time, he tells me, now we know what to expect. It wasn't that bad at all, not half as bad as he expected. Oh how I laugh.
I, on the other hand, am not so sure. I can see his thinking, the longer we leave it the more of an issue it becomes. I know I feel better doing something than marking time, but my attitude stinks.

This IVF failure wasn't nice, it was hard, but my expectations are no longer that high. I didn't expect it to work but I certainly wouldn't have done it if I had no hope at all. It is staying pregnant that I worried about most. I certainly didn't expect a take home baby and a failure at this stage is easier to cope with than another miscarriage. But that's the problem.

I no longer think this process is going to work. The getting and staying pregnant. I really don't see a happy ending. Mr L is also fairly realistic about this, we have decided that three (possibly four) IVFs and natural TTC until next January, when I'll be 38, is it. We'll have to draw a line and move on. I have been getting pregnant, being pregnant or getting over being pregnant for almost all of my thirties. It has to stop, I can't do it half hearted, it's taken over my life. The whole IVF thing is as much to be able to look back without regret, to know we tried.

What now, another IVF? Jumping through the emotional and financial hoops. Is it worth it?

Perhaps I'm being over-dramatic, perhaps with time this will all seem less traumatic. Right now, four miscarriages, two perfect embryos and a failed IVF, it all adds up to nothing. Isn't it foolish to expect anything different?

Thursday, December 13, 2007

A picture is worth a thousand words.....

Monday, December 10, 2007


A quick update so I can use the snappy title. I can't do a whole IVF cycle and not have at least one title like the above!

I'm halfway through the second week now. The first week was ok really. I was off work and took it easy doing little tasks, watching daytime TV and relaxing. Perfect to be honest. I was so glad to be off work. I was also quite tearful at times which took me by surprise. I know that I have been overly emotional (well, for me) when I was pregnant in the past so I thought this was a good sign, if somewhat embarrassing (not that anyone saw me, just embarrassed myself thankfully!) it seems to have settled down now though.

This last few days I am much less settled, and also less hopeful. I have had no implantation bleeding and last night I felt as though my period was starting. I even dreamt it had started overnight, and woke up in a state. It isn't here, but it feels like it's on its way :-(

'Outcome day', as they call it, is Saturday. It's not a beta just a urine test. If I get that far I'm going to test before then myself. I was thinking Friday, but I'll probably crumble by Thursday (10dp3dt.) It should be clear by then. I peed on a OPK this morning, just because it was there. It was lily white! Hmmmm. I've never tested + before 13dpo before so it still could just be too early. I'm not sure if it's the fear of knowing, or the lack of symptoms, but right now I'm pretty sure this isn't the cycle for us. Still hoping though, it is a magical time of the year after all!

I hope the 2WW is racing by for all my cycle sisters too. There is a whole bunch of us, Becks, Chicklet , M, Amy, Tracey, Geohde and Makingpeace and it has been so great to be travelling with such great company, it makes this whole journey that little bit less frightening. All the very best girls!

Monday, December 03, 2007

We Got There!!

We made it to transfer! I'm so grateful. I really didn't think it was going to happen and it would all be for nothing. I understood the physical process already, but I really under-estimated the stress of waiting for each next step.

The transfer was fine. A few catheters were tried out first (more than one would expect, I believe), but it was ok.

We transferred two embryos. Both grade 1. One eight celled, one nine celled. I am a bit worried about the nine cell, I thought they should have been even numbers. The embryologist didn't seem worried. We had another eight celled but it was grade two so she choose this instead.

So now it's the waiting game. No matter what, I'm pleased we got this far.

Saturday, December 01, 2007

Breathe Out

Four out of the five fertilised. We may still get to transfer on Monday (please, please, please).

As von so rightly said, I should try to cross one bridge at a time. It is so difficult to do but it makes sense. The whole deal is just too overwhelming.