Sunday, May 27, 2007

Down to Earth with a Bump- and not the sort I was dreaming of.

Wow. That was hard. I should know better.

Every cycle for the last 14 months or so I've had a dull ache for the last few days, sometimes longer, of the cycle. That and a little spotting from 10 DPO or so. This month... nothing. No pregnancy symptoms but no premenstrual ones either.
I started to dream a little. Well quite a lot actually. I even voiced my hopefulness to Mr L. What a silly thing to do.

As you've probably worked out by now, the bubble has burst. Spotting has started this evening (although still no cramps) looks like CD 1 tomorrow. I sometimes think someone/something is just playing with me. I knew getting pregnant this month wasn't likely, but why the hope? It kind of crept up and bit me. Now that's just not playing fair.

I'm off to camp with my class tomorrow and will somehow find a quite corner to phone the clinic and order my drugs. Thanks for your comments/ advice. I'm not stressing anymore, I'll just stick with my choices and get this show on the road. Ha, that sounds blasé. I'm not. I'm terrified. This cycle has reminded me how difficult it is to have hope and then have to deal with disappointment. Still, what's the alternative? Carry on like this?

No, it's time. It's scary, but it's time.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Plodding On.

I can't believe it's over a week since I posted. Where does the time go? At the moment I have a few major things happening.....

Work has moved up a gear with end of year reports and testing. Next week I'm off to the Lake District with my class for camp, I hope the weather is good, and then there are only four weeks of term left. Yea and yikes all in the same breath!

My new hobby of gardening is also quite time consuming. Whenever the weather is good I'm trying to get out and do a little more. I love it but hours go by so quickly. It's also hard work! I didn't realise. I thought that little old people pottered in the garden, how hard can it be? Hmmm someone should tell that to my aching body, it feels like I've been in a fight with a truck.

I also compete in dog agility and flyball, you know like horse jumping for dogs. Madness for sure. I used to be quite heavily involved but gave it all up (along with everything else) last year. In an attempt to move on and have a normal life I've tried to get back into it again. I'm now back at Flyball, this is a team event, and we have a qualifier (for Crufts) on Saturday, so we have been training a couple of nights a week. I don't think I'm back for good, it's funny how things I used to enjoy now seem pointless, I'm not sure I still have the same passion for the whole scene but the company is good.

In a direct contrast to the busy stuff mentioned above, life in my TTC world seems to be very dull and soooo slow. I'm now 8dpo on a completely natural cycle. I ovulated on day 19 which is usual for me without Clomid. Of course I'm hoping that we'll have nailed it this month and will have a newborn early next year but, realistically CD1 is expected Sunday or Monday. On CD1 I have to arrange my day 20 appointment and order up my drugs. This is causing me a little difficulty.

The clinic have provided me with a number of choices of drugs, a little like a dinner menu.
For starters I can choose between sniffing Synarel, sniffing Suprefact or one or two injections Prostap. I don't fancy sniffing and remembering the timings etc so I think I'll go for Prostap injections. Any advice?

For main course the choices are Menopur, Golal F or Puregon. This course appears to be the most important choice and the one I have spent most time obsessing researching. I think I might opt for the Menopur but I so hate when you eat out and, halfway through the meal, wish you had chosen something else.
I'm not aware of the desert options yet. I usually like desert the best and always check them out first, choosing the other courses accordingly. This time I'm not so bothered. I don't think any of the choices are going to excite me awfully.

I'm sure I read somewhere that one of the primary stresses of modern life was all due to having too much choice. Now I HATE being told to do something without an option or an explanation. I wouldn't like just to be dictated to. I am, however finding this choice very difficult to make, I just don't have the knowledge. I'm trying to console myself with the fact that they all must be pretty similar or the clinic would be much more advisory in my selection? Perhaps this is just their way of trying to make me feel like I have a little control? I'm so scared of doing the wrong thing. Anyone tried any of these? Any helpful thoughts would be appreciated.

I have been tagged for the eight game but I think I've written enough for today. A feast or a famine, hey, that about sums me up!

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Here's Who I am.

Oh, I've been tagged by Becks at One Miracle Needed, how exciting. It feels like I'm staying up late with the grown ups! I really enjoyed thinking of this list.

I am clumsy with words but at home with numbers.
I am an animal lover
I am a very private person who finds it hard to share my thoughts and feelings
I am cynical
I am a little sarcastic
I am older, on paper, than I think I should be
I am a daughter, a grandaughter, a wife, an aunt and a sister. I take all these roles seriously.
I am especially close to my grandmother
I am patient
I am not competitive with others, but very with myself
I am recently blonde for the first time in my life
I am absolutely lacking in all creativity unless it involves clothing or decorating
I am friendly but shy which can come across as being reserved
I am unable to show any vulnerable emotion in public. At all.
I am realistic, bordering on pessimistic
I am inquisitive perhaps even nosey
I am a very enthusiastic shopper
I am overly sensitive at times
I am only just getting back on my feet after a year of depression
I am a maths teacher and a dog trainer!(I'll not tell you which is easiest)
I am slightly obsessive, and can be a bit of a nerd!

I e mailed a copy of this to my husband who knows I'm writing a blog, but shows little interest-I think he's glad it's saving him hearing it all again!- and asked him if it was honest and representative. He sent me this reply.

"Only slightly obsessive ????????
What about methodical, organized, sexy, supportive, caring, faddy plus you read all the manuals and understand instructions, and you are not a nerd. "

I thought that was quite sweet of him really. He has a point about the obsessive!

So now I've to tag five others. This is such fun because I've only just learned how to add a link! I'm on a learning curve with a whole lot of things.

I know a lot of you have already done this so please forgive me if I duplicate
Erin at Vicious Cycle of Cycles
Tipsymarie at the Folliefiles
Christina at TheOneLiner
Dmarie at Labellavida
Cibele So I Wait for You

I can't wait to read your lists.

Friday, May 11, 2007

Only Slightly Disappointing

The appointment on Tuesday almost went well. We completed all the paperwork, good grief, there are masses of forms to fill in.

Next was to hand over all the lab results from the last set of bloods. The HIV, Hep B, Hep C for both of us. Rubella, Chlamydia, FSH and Oestradiol and Smear test (which I'm still waiting results from) for me. The nurse said my blood results (Oestradoil/FSH) were fine but I would still really like to know what the normal ranges are, just for my own obsessing /interest.

There was a problem with the Chlamydia test. It was out of date. This test was done over two years ago before my longest pregnancy (In my referral forms it actually states that I had a successful pregnancy in Oct 05. Well unless I have a baby at home that I've failed to notice I really can't think of a much less accurate term, but there you go.)The point is this test must be carried out within the last two years. So we have to repeat this test and also chase up my smear test result.

The other surprise was with Mr L's results. He'd already had 2 SA that had come back with all good outcomes but this time his motility was low. Now I'm not freaking out over this as the sample was meant to be in within an hour and it wasn't (at least 90mins). I'm going to count this as a red herring for the time being, at least until we have the retest.

So that left us with a new SA, another Chlamydia test and a smear result to chase before next Tuesday. I phoned my GPs office and they say the Chlamydia test will take a couple of weeks and they cannot guarantee the smear result this week either. So that was that. A months delay.

At first I was really disappointed with this news. We could get the IVF clinic to do the Chlamydia test (4 days) but still had no way of speeding up the smear test. The more I thought about it the more I realised that 4 weeks isn't an awful long time and other factors will become much more straightforward.

My work will be so much easier. As a teacher I get lots of holidays but have no way of taking time off without begging/asking. I am entitled to time off for medical but I work in a small school and it's difficult to get periodic cover. Also my frequent trips out would gather some, very unwanted, attention. By waiting four weeks I'll start down regulating whilst still at school but it'll be into the summer holidays by the second week of stims. It also means I'll be off for retrieval and transfer which makes things so much easier. I can also relax for the two week wait. (This is all assuming I get to every stage, and that is something I certainly am not taking for granted.)

It also means I can give my health kick an extra month AND another chance at a natural cycle. I know, I know, I should know better. It's hard not to dream though.

When I was going over all the positive points for waiting a month I really started to question why I had been so keen to get going sooner. The answer is... maternity leave! Truly, that's it! As I have set holidays, if maternity leave falls over a holiday then it's a lost holiday. So no one would want mat leave to include July and August as this really is wasted. This made me chuckle. There is obviously a part of me, deep and hidden, that thinks this might just work out. I hope that little bit of optimism doesn't get beaten up too badly!

So that's it. Possible timetable.....

Day one phone call to order drugs.....around 28th May
Down regs........around 14th June
Poss starting stims....... 25th June?
Holidays commence......29th June.

As for the rest, we'll just wait and see. It's all rather sketchy but at least it's a plan. And that's got to be good.

Friday, May 04, 2007

And Now My Mood is.....Green.

I can't believe how quickly this week has flown by.
I've been busy with work and then the evenings have been taken up with my new pastime, gardening.
Now of course as you don't know me this may not sound bizarre but it really is not my sort of thing at all. I have never taken any interest whatsoever in the garden before, not a bit.
We moved into this house at the end of last summer and the garden was pretty low maintenance if somewhat concrete and boring. For the last three weekends my husband has been digging concrete and carting it into skips, digging and moving at least a ton of pebbles and generally working really hard. By Saturday night the place looked so different that I started to take an interest.
I have now visited loads of garden centres, learned about some plants and created my own little haven. And I'm so pleased with it. Into the bargain it seems to have really calmed me down. How odd!
I'm not sure if my enthusiasm will last, I tend to be faddy. Throw myself into things (but not gardening, no way) and then move on BUT at the moment I'm not worried about that. Right now I'm finding this a wonderful distraction and that's got to be good. Maybe it's a mixture of the peace, beautiful weather (very odd for so early in Scotland) and also the exercise that's helping lift my spirits. Who'd have thought it!
On the IVF side, we're nervously awaiting our appointment on Tuesday. Well I'm nervous. I get myself all worked up.
I got back the results of this months blood work. I've googled and googled but I just don't know if it's good or bad. I can only find American measures and I don't know how the UK ones compare.

FSH 7 (U/L)
LH 3 (U/L)
Oestradiol 149 (pmol/L)

I mean, what does it all add up to?
I guess we'll get the verdict on Tuesday but that seems like a long way off. I'm trying not to but I know I'll google some more when my nerves can stand it (anyone else manage to freak themselves out googling?)

So Green it is, for just now anyway.