Saturday, June 28, 2008

Long Time, No See

I'm not sure anyone out there will still be checking in, it has been a loooonnnng time since my last post. Thank you to all of you who re-commented, mailed and even text me to see how I was doing. It is so amazing to have people who I have never even met care.

I haven't posted because I've had nothing much to say. I was starting to bore myself with the same old, same old. Initially I loved blogging because of the connections I made with people who really knew how it was to be in my place. I think I lost a bit of that.

Life has been up and down since the end of my last cycle. At first the sense of hopelessness was overwhelming. I think the chemical pregnancy followed by an IVF failure knocked me hard. I just didn't know what else I could do. Nothing seemed to be working. I'd used up my 'big guns' options and there was no where left to go.

Lately though I've felt more settled. The thought of a future without children is manageable, not what I would choose, but I think it would be ok. I've been having fun, spending a lot of time with old friends and being a little more carefree. I think it has done me the world of good. It has been a long time since I was just me, able to laugh and care about stuff not related to IF or loss. I have such a lot of great friends and I have been distancing myself from them for such a time, a silly thing to do as when I'm with them I get to be me, to put things in perspective, to realise that I am a person whether or not I am a mother. I think I forgot that for a while.

Some may call it denial (and, to be honest, I think there is a fair bit of that going on in my head) but I also seem to be dealing with other peoples pregnancies and announcements a little better. I can't say I am 100% ok with it all but I do seem to be able to separate myself from their life. They are two different things and I am trying to remember that someone's happiness does not need to make me more sad. It is a difficult concept and it doesn't always work. Still worth a try I reckon.

In the last couple of months I have gone from hopeless to coping, from despair to moments of contentment. Therefore it is with a heavy heart that I am about to start my fourth IVF (third full cycle). I am so scared of the emotions that follow a cycle and I am afraid I may lose this stability I have finally found but I have decided to go ahead. We always said we would try three times and I don't want to live with regret in the future. I wish I could put it off for a while longer but, being a teacher, the summer holidays are the ideal time to cycle. I promised my husband we would move on from this whole deal by the end of this year so I can't really put it off any longer. I hope we are doing the right thing.

One thing I have decided, this will be my last cycle whatever the outcome. Enough is enough.