I'm not sure anyone out there will still be checking in, it has been a loooonnnng time since my last post. Thank you to all of you who re-commented, mailed and even text me to see how I was doing. It is so amazing to have people who I have never even met care.
I haven't posted because I've had nothing much to say. I was starting to bore myself with the same old, same old. Initially I loved blogging because of the connections I made with people who really knew how it was to be in my place. I think I lost a bit of that.
Life has been up and down since the end of my last cycle. At first the sense of hopelessness was overwhelming. I think the chemical pregnancy followed by an IVF failure knocked me hard. I just didn't know what else I could do. Nothing seemed to be working. I'd used up my 'big guns' options and there was no where left to go.
Lately though I've felt more settled. The thought of a future without children is manageable, not what I would choose, but I think it would be ok. I've been having fun, spending a lot of time with old friends and being a little more carefree. I think it has done me the world of good. It has been a long time since I was just me, able to laugh and care about stuff not related to IF or loss. I have such a lot of great friends and I have been distancing myself from them for such a time, a silly thing to do as when I'm with them I get to be me, to put things in perspective, to realise that I am a person whether or not I am a mother. I think I forgot that for a while.
Some may call it denial (and, to be honest, I think there is a fair bit of that going on in my head) but I also seem to be dealing with other peoples pregnancies and announcements a little better. I can't say I am 100% ok with it all but I do seem to be able to separate myself from their life. They are two different things and I am trying to remember that someone's happiness does not need to make me more sad. It is a difficult concept and it doesn't always work. Still worth a try I reckon.
In the last couple of months I have gone from hopeless to coping, from despair to moments of contentment. Therefore it is with a heavy heart that I am about to start my fourth IVF (third full cycle). I am so scared of the emotions that follow a cycle and I am afraid I may lose this stability I have finally found but I have decided to go ahead. We always said we would try three times and I don't want to live with regret in the future. I wish I could put it off for a while longer but, being a teacher, the summer holidays are the ideal time to cycle. I promised my husband we would move on from this whole deal by the end of this year so I can't really put it off any longer. I hope we are doing the right thing.
One thing I have decided, this will be my last cycle whatever the outcome. Enough is enough.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Long Time, No See
Posted by Carrie at 1:47 PM
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21 comments:
carrie! I have been wondering about you. changing the look on the blog and then disappearing like that! seriously though, it's so good to hear form you. I'm glad you've been reclaiming your life and finding some balance. you sound really great.
wishing you all the best in this cycle, and hoping it brings the miracle you seek.
Yea...so good to hear from you! I really empathize with all of those emotions. I like it when you said that you are still a person even if you are not a mom. We have come to identify ourselves with the goal we have set and it makes it tough to identify our true selves anymore.
Please let me know if you need meds...I have yet to give them to anyone.
:)
I have been wondering how you were. But seeing as I have taken breaks in the past (especially after a loss), I understood probably where you were.
That said, it sounds like you did find a good balance in your life. Sometimes it's so hard when we're trying for something SO badly to recall all the good we had before we wanted "it". I know I've struggled a ton with that.
I am glad you two are sticking to your three IVFs so that there will be closure no matter what before year end. I pray it's the closure of a 9 month pregnancy. I'll be checking in on you, no matter what.
Welcome back! Wishing you good things for this cycle.
Carrie,
You have been top on my list of 'I wonder how she's doing' of late.
It's so very good to hear from you and that you have found a modicum of peace.
Wishing you the smoothest ivf possible.
J
I totally get where you are coming from. As time goes by I am able to deal with the bellies and babies easier. I also have put a time frame on all of this. I can't do this forever either.
HUGS!
My friend, you ARE still out there! My sweet, I've wondered a lot, checked in a lot, and hoped for you. Cuz while I don't think I've been through quite as rough a ringer as you, I know what it's like to have this beat you down, and it's just plain awful.
I'll be watching and hoping with you this round, knowing it might mean more than any of the other rounds have.
carrie! i hvae missed you so. i am glad to hear that you have had a little peace. it's so hard when you are trying. if i could go back and do anything-that's what i would do differently--take better care of me.
well, you know i'll right here rootin' for you and wishing you only the best.
xoxo
So good to hear from you and it does sound like you are in a much better place than where you were.
We maybe cycling at the same time. I think it might be my last time too. Let's hope it's our turns.
congratulations on your new found peace and best wishes for hanging onto it. you sound a lot like how i felt after taking a 1 year break and i do believe it made it much easier to get back on the coaster. good luck to you!
You have been in my thoughts. It takes a strong person to determine when enough is enough and I just hope that it is lucky last for you.
You just said so may things in that post that I will chew on for a while.
1) I'd used up my 'big guns' options and there was no where left to go.
2)to realize that I am a person whether or not I am a mother
3)I am trying to remember that someone's happiness does not need to make me more sad.
4) Enough is enough
I am glad you took some time to regain your footing. I know it's scary to start again and know that you'll loose some of that footing.
But, then again, I understand that you need to do this....get it done....get some type of resolution so you can live the rest of your life.
Wishing you the best and thanks for such a "chewy" post.
I feel you sister! Unbelievable decisions aren't they? Ones we never imagined making. I have been really feeling changed lately - changed by the process, the loss, the stress, the pain, the realtionships.
My fingers are crossed for you!
So good to see you blogging again! We seem to have swapped places on the infertility zen scale - hoping to join you in stability again. Glad to hear that you're feeling better about things. I think that the new cycle is bound to shake things up a bit, but that said, if you have made the decision about what happens next, I hope it'll be less unsettling than previous cycles. All the best for it!
You will be in my prayers and in my thoughts.
The world's luck with this cycle.
Miss Carrie! I am so glad to hear from you as I have often wondered how you are doing. It sounds like your blog hiatus has found you in a good space. And I so admire you for sticking to your guns and giving it all you have. It sounds like - no matter what the outcome - you will handle the upcoming cycle with aplomb.
Thank you so much for your sweet and gracious comments about Missy. It means the world to me to hear(read) them from you.
Ditto what Amber said.
I don't know if you've read this book, but I liked it: "Nurturing Yourself Through IVF" by Lynn Daley. She did three IVFs before she was successful. I was inspired by her faith to keep going. Good luck with this next cycle.
I am so happy to see you back. I'm glad things are slowly starting to subside emotionally. I hope with all my heart that this cycle brings you your dream at last.
xo
M
Firstly, I have to say that I love your blog. It's so pretty!
Secondly, I know what you mean by needing some ME-TIME and just really to find yourself back again.
I hope this cycle works for you.
I'm gonna tag you cuz I love your blog. :)
Carrie.. :) So sorry this is a little belated but I'm so glad to read your update. I've been thinking about you and wondering how you've been. I've been taking a break and there is so much of this post I can relate to as well. Wishing you lots of luck wiht your next cycle.
Hi! I'm new to your blog from the whole ICLW initiative. I feel for you and the rough journey that you have had. I am hoping that this last cycle brings you what you want.
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