Hope everyone has managed to get through Christmas without too many scars. It really is a bittersweet time of the year for me, and I'm sure I'm not alone.
This year my brother, SIL and 9 month old niece stayed with us. On Christmas day we were joined by my mum, her husband, my granny and aunt and uncle. My entire family were focused around my niece. She is adorable and I am so pleased I could share her first Christmas. But it is hard. Very hard.
I can't help but think that without the miscarriages we would have been sharing Christmas with our own child/children. How different it would be with a two and a half year old, or an eighteen month toddler or even to be seven months pregnant?
As for IVF #1. The clinic were very sweet on my outcome day. I arrived to find a little crowd around a new born baby at the front desk. A nurse spotted me immediately and virtually ran to me, she took my arm and led me to a side room. I can't fault the staff. They have been as kind and caring as is possible.
I got a (surprise) phone call on Thursday to say that the team had reviewed my case and they felt everything had gone well. The recommendation would be to repeat the same protocol if I wished to cycle again. I have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow to discuss the cycle and possible next steps.
This is where my problem now lies. I have no idea what I want to do next. Ironically, my husband- remember him- the reluctant one, is now hell bent on jumping straight into another cycle. Starting in January. He reckons there is no point in putting it off. It'll be soooo much easier next time, he tells me, now we know what to expect. It wasn't that bad at all, not half as bad as he expected. Oh how I laugh.
I, on the other hand, am not so sure. I can see his thinking, the longer we leave it the more of an issue it becomes. I know I feel better doing something than marking time, but my attitude stinks.
This IVF failure wasn't nice, it was hard, but my expectations are no longer that high. I didn't expect it to work but I certainly wouldn't have done it if I had no hope at all. It is staying pregnant that I worried about most. I certainly didn't expect a take home baby and a failure at this stage is easier to cope with than another miscarriage. But that's the problem.
I no longer think this process is going to work. The getting and staying pregnant. I really don't see a happy ending. Mr L is also fairly realistic about this, we have decided that three (possibly four) IVFs and natural TTC until next January, when I'll be 38, is it. We'll have to draw a line and move on. I have been getting pregnant, being pregnant or getting over being pregnant for almost all of my thirties. It has to stop, I can't do it half hearted, it's taken over my life. The whole IVF thing is as much to be able to look back without regret, to know we tried.
What now, another IVF? Jumping through the emotional and financial hoops. Is it worth it?
Perhaps I'm being over-dramatic, perhaps with time this will all seem less traumatic. Right now, four miscarriages, two perfect embryos and a failed IVF, it all adds up to nothing. Isn't it foolish to expect anything different?
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Christmas 2007
Posted by Carrie at 6:58 PM
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14 comments:
I don't think you're overdramatic at all my friend. I haven't been doing this as long or gone through what you have, but I know this one broke me a little - it brought on the realism that maybe this won't work, that maybe we need to have a plan cuz I don't want to do this for ten years. We'll do IVF#2 in Feb/March (my clinic's rule is to let my ovaries recover), and then we'll see. So your being half-hearted and unsure, I get it. Take your time. You deserve it.
You've been through a lot. It is very frustrating to do something of this magnitude and not have it work. I believe that you will know the right thing to do. Talk it out and do what is comfortable and right to the both of you. I'm thinking of you and sending you hugs.
I still think its worth it Carrie. And your husband is just like mine, in terms of saying that it'll be easier the second time. They are right, but it sure does stink :( Its nice though to have a definite timeline where you say, "Ok, point A is reached...thats IT". Because then we know that this pain we feel, while may be with us for long time, will not be the focal point of our lives.
xoxo to you
I don't really know what to say nor do I have any advice, but I hope that it all becomes clear for you. God, that doesn't help at all, does it?
It isn't foolish to find it hard to hope, not at all. But you still have a chance, Carrie. It's just very emotionally taxing. Take care of yourself,
xx
J
Oh I understand how you feel. When you said that you've spent most of your 30s trying -- I could really relate. I know that feeling. And I'm very much wondering when does it end.
But you do still have decent chances, and this COULD work. Take the time you need. Be sure you are both ready. Then decide.
I've been thinking of you.
Where you are is really hard. Drawing the line, make the decisions, moving on or going forward. SO HARD. I send you HUGS!
I've been exactly where you are. I remember the complete devastation after the 1st failed IVF attempt. At the end of the day it's your choice as a couple as to when enough is enough. Right now is most likely not the best time to be thinking about that though. You need to give yourself time to heal, to grieve. It is amazing how time can help to heal. For now though, my advice is to take some time for yourself. Make those big decisions when you are mentally in a better place.
I so understand what you are saying...its tough to get to that point where you feel like you are getting nowhere. I have had many failed cylces and many failed pregnancies - I am starting to feel the same way...how much more can we take? Its tough to decide to stop, but you are right, at least we can say we tried. I just never thought my life would be filled with these decisions...
Stay positive - I'll be checking on you
:)
Oh Carrie, please don't feel bad for looking after yourself! I'm so glad you've been doing that. I don't expect anyone to keep tabs on me every moment. Thanks for listening and supporting me when you can, that's all that matters.
Wow.. I only have a small bit of insight to your feelings. I've not spent nearly as much time in the trenches as you have, but my little bit has sucked enough.
Even at my point, I've thought "How much is enough?" I can only answer for myself, "I'm not sure, but this isn't it."
Only you can answer when you've had enough.
I'm so incredibly sad that your IVF didn't work.. and FWIW, I still have hope for you in another cycle. I know it's so much easier for me to be hopeful for you than for yourself (or for myself) but it's all I have to give. Well- That.. my thoughts, my prayers & my love.
--Trish
It has been a frustrating journey for you. There is no reason that you have to jump at IvF #2 right this instant if you aren't ready, you just need to make your dh understand that.
Take care of you!
I am so glad you posted because I have been wondering how you have been doing these past few weeks.
Even attempting IVF is such a brave, brave thing. I admire you so much for giving it a go.
I hope you find some peace in coming up with a plan with your husband. I hope it is one that both of you are okay with. And I look forward to being able to support you through that plan.
Thinking of you and wishing I could do something - just a little something - to take a little of your sadness away.
Yes, being around babies at Christmas is very, very hard. I, too, am glad it's all over.
I hope you guys can come to terms with the direction you want to go in this new year.
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