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Tuesday, June 19, 2007

The Real Me.

Firstly, thanks everyone, what a lot of lovely, encouraging comments you left after my, trying to be positive, post.

Secondly, I think I need to sort out some confusion. I may have left you all with the impression that I am all calm and zen. Not quite true. I'd love to be one of these incredibly giving woman who goes through life with never a bad thought. Also not true.

What I really meant in my last post that was, although I'd still rather not hear of all these pregnancies, I've kind of learned to distance myself. To keep myself from falling apart over every announcement. It isn't easy and I still have the panicky sick feeling and the want to scream BUT after the initial stinging slap, for my own best interests, I am learning to separate their good news from my lack of good news. To try and remember they are not getting pregnant to annoy me or to prove how much more womanly or healthy they are, it doesn't make them better people or more deserving. And, I try to remember, that although I want to be a mum so badly, to build OUR family, I don't want their lives. My life, apart from the obvious, suits me very well.

That said, I still have a pregnancy radar. I feel the need to continuously assess the likelihood of anyone I know, of child bearing age, becoming pregnant. I dread surprise announcements most of all. I still avoid pregnant woman, even my friends, whenever possible. I rarely ask how someone is keeping, or when they are due or any of the other appropriate chit chat. It's just too hard still.

Just thought I'd clear that up. I'm really not a happy, positive, salt-of-the-earth type. I'm just trying to make my life easier to live, for me. Hope I haven't disappointed anyone!

On the cycle news.
I've been at the clinic yesterday. The scan showed everything fine (No cysts, whew) so I had the Prostap injection. That's that then, The show is officially on the road. OMG.OMG. OMG. OMG. OMG. Just waiting for the mood swings/ hot flushes etc to start. Joy.

There was a little moment in the car park where I really, really thought about just not going in. I mean seriously. It does overwhelm me, it really does.

Just to demonstrate what a wicked person I am, the highlight of my visit had to be the nurse warning my husband of the possible probable mood swings etc. She really laid it on thick (well I really hope she was!) His face was a picture. He's even text me today to see how I am.

I reckon, for the first time ever, he's just as nervous as me right now. Yahoo.

16 comments:

ultimatejourney said...

You don't need to be perfect to inspire me. I'm just glad to hear that you're making an effort to make your life a little easier. Good luck with the new drugs.

Anonymous said...

See... I don't know anyone doing ART that is "zen" when hearing about new pregnancies. But just to get to the point where we don't fall apart (IMHO) is an accomplishment. I am happy for you that things have become a bit easier. Hang in there.

One View said...

I think its natural for all of us to feel that way. I don't know anyone experiencing IF who would be completely calm and wouldn't be bothered by pregnant women/announeements. But your positive attitude and strength to get through it like aunt sassy said is the accomplishment.. :) SO good for you and hang in there. Good luck with your cycle and I'll be thinking about you.

Ms. Planner said...

Just making the effort to put it all in perspective and feel OK about it is a BIG step.

I loved your comment about the nurse warning your husband. I always feel a sense of satisfaction when medical personnel coach Cowboy on potential fall out. Wicked, for sure. But so satisfying.

I am glad to hear life is treating you a bit easier and am excited for you as you head on this phase of the jounrey.

Geohde said...

I wholeheartedly agree on the pregnancy radar. I need the warning to say the right things, and not what I'm acutally thinking. Which is most emphatically *not* the right thing.

I am, internally at least, most uncharitable about people and their fecundity these days.

PS. I'm certainly not shy, not striving for a low profile, and delighted to be added to your blog-roll. It's nice to know that somebody else is checking out my dysfunctional little corner of the internet :)

stickybun07 said...

I am SO with you. Embarking on this IVF journey is really overwhelming. You're just about a week ahead of me, so I'll be checking in to see how everything is going. I do know that we'll be okay. I know in my heart that while it feels overwhelming right now, once we get into the swing of things--into the day-to-day--it will be less so. (Of course, I realize that brings with it its own challenges...)

And, I'm still pretty impressed with your positive attitude and outlook. And, I second aunt sassy--to get to the point where we don't fall apart when you hear the announcements is big.

Natalie said...

Ahhh, preggodar - nothing like a friend finally having some water with her meal. Or a friend of a friend leaving you a voicemail to say they need to talk, soon (ie. cuz they want to warn you an announcement's coming). Good luck with the cycle.

dmarie said...

I'm LMAO at your hubby's face! And I'm glad he checked on you. I love hearing when hubby's give the support they should give :)

Mindy said...

Just wanted to say thanks for stopping by today. Your post made so much sense to me. Everytime I hear about a pregnancy or get stuck talking about pregnant folks or new babies I plaster a smile on, all the while it feels like this tempest is brewing inside. I can't tell you the number of times I've gone back to my office or got in my car and cried and cried. Like you I definitely avoid pregnant people, and even people with infants. At first I felt a bit bad for distancing myself, but then I realized it was self-preservation and I really need to worry about me.

good luck with everything

Unknown said...

I still think your outlook is just peachy. Its all about self-preservation, you know? :) Not that I'm glad that I'm happy your husband is nervous but it's good to know he's not in lala land. I think my DH still is a bit and even though his 'oh it'll work out, you just see' comments are a bit comforting, I still want to shake him sometimes. :)

Princesses in Muddy Puddles said...

I like the idea of a pregnancy radar. The first thing I say when someone says "guess what?", "I've got something to tell you", etc. is "you are pregnant" - "how did you know?" they ask. Hmmm... anticipation. Good luck this cycle :)

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your comment and offer to just listen, that was so sweet of you.

I often get to the parking lot and think, "I could just not go in," and I get this feeling of immense freedom. Then I steel myself and go in. And I avoid pregnant friends all the time, I think it's normal but hard for them to understand.

Good luck with this cycle.

Laura, the (reluctant) baroness said...

"Calm and zen" is boring :) Good luck with this cycle. How exciting to be getting things going!!

olivegirl said...

It's so hard to find that balance between self-preservation and sharing in someone else's joy at being pregnant. But I'm totally with you on the pregnancy radar...fortunately most of my friends have finished having kids. I'm the last one.

Anonymous said...

I also wish the cake-a-thon could have been real, it would have been so much fun to meet everyone not to mention taste all the cakes.

Becks said...

The nurse warned us about the mood swings, the beeatch from hell and the screaming abdabs.....and guess what, nothing!!

SO looking forward to seeing how things go - good luck!