Another Twist in the Road.

Oh, it has been a while! I've been following along with your blogs but not had much to say for myself. So pleased to see things going really well for a couple of my old (original) blog friends, also so sad to see things go wrong for others- I just wonder why it all has to be so difficult.

So what's going on around here? Nothing and everything really.

I haven't done any more treatments, had any medical appointments or arranged anything new. I haven't had any spontaneous pregnancies or any more losses. All very quiet on the reproductive front.
On the other hand we have started looking into adoption. In the UK you are not allowed to adopt whilst still undergoing fertility treatment. I had come to the decision that we would do one final IVF, going to blast regardless, just because we hadn't yet done this.
When we spoke to the agencies we realised that to do another treatment and then go on to look into adoption would add about another 18 months to the whole process. As we really have so very little hope that another IVF would actually result in a pregnancy, let alone a live birth, we have decided to go ahead with the adoption process. Too much time wasted already.

We were accepted by both the agencies we approached although one seemed much more excited about having us than the other. We chose the one that was the friendliest and got back to us on time, posted out the forms they said they would etc. I think the process will be frustrating enough without having to chase an agency at each step.
The first surprise was the prep groups. We knew there was a waiting list for the groups but the social worker really seemed to take to us and hinted that she would try to bump us up the list! Good to her (implied) word she must have as we were invited to start the five week course last week. It was rather awkward to be chatting with the other couples that had been waiting an average of 12 months to start, nice for us though (and, for the record, we aren't super nice people, we just have a lot of experience of working with children who have suffered trauma!)

Is this the future then? Truthfully we just don't know if it is. Both agencies were very honest and said the chance of being placed with a baby were next to nothing- realistically we would be looking at building our family with children who had been removed from their birth family for a reason. We both have doubts but also can see the positives of adoption. It is such a huge undertaking. It hurts my brain to think about it for too long. We have decided to go through the process and be truly honest with ourselves and the social workers and hopefully, by the end, we will know for sure, one way or another.

As to wondering if this infertility/ recurrent mc blog is turning into an adoption blog, time will tell. I think that's the only answer for now.

Putting the Dummy Back In!

I don't know if the (so inappropriate!) title translates so I will explain. In Scotland if you have a bit of a hissy fit and get stroppy someone might say you spat the dummy. I certainly spat the dummy, I have just reread my last entry. Oh my, I am so negative about EVERYTHING. I am so sorry if you logged in at new year and had a big downer laid on you. I don't mean to make everyone feel bad too.
I was going to delete the whole post but I am touched that such lovely ladies tried to cheer me up. I think I'd have clicked on by. Reflecting on what is going on in your life is one thing but that was just an angry whine. Sorry.
I'm not saying I'll be all kittens and lollipops from here on (very unlikely) but I will try to be less tantrum like.
In my defence, I've never liked New Year. I have always thought about the bad things that have happened and those that may happen in the months to come. Cheery sort, huh?
And although I certainly am still grieving I am also aware that the losses I blogged about were not tragic.
My Gran was 90 years old and I truly realise how fortunate I was to have all the time I had to spend with her, she was so mentally agile and such a spirit. I know many others never get the chance to have a relationship of this sort. I also realise that many people have had to say goodbye to loved ones lost in tragic circumstances. I am blessed with fantastic memories that shape the person I am today. I need to remember that. I really do miss her though, primarily she was my friend.
Both my pets were old and had great lives, neither of them suffering at the end. Again a reason to be grateful and to try and focus on the time I had with them not on what I have lost.
I think the losses hit so hard when I look at my family shrinking. It is hard to say goodbye when the likelihood of extending my own family is fading so quickly. It made me deeply consider what life is all about and I'm not sure I really liked the answer.
After the last IVF failure and the wait for the recurrent miscarriage testing I decided to put everything on hold. For the first time in this whole journey I wasn't desperate to have a plan, to move ahead. I think I knew I just couldn't cope with big decisions so I refused to think about them until the new year. Rather than being frustrating and stressful I found it such a relief. We did a building project in the house and concentrated on tiles, taps and the like. It was good to stress about something that was solid, tangible and ultimately not life changing (and there was plenty of stress-but that would be a post in itself)
It is now 2009. Time to consider some options. Yikes.