Friday, January 02, 2009

Putting the Dummy Back In!

I don't know if the (so inappropriate!) title translates so I will explain. In Scotland if you have a bit of a hissy fit and get stroppy someone might say you spat the dummy. I certainly spat the dummy, I have just reread my last entry. Oh my, I am so negative about EVERYTHING. I am so sorry if you logged in at new year and had a big downer laid on you. I don't mean to make everyone feel bad too.
I was going to delete the whole post but I am touched that such lovely ladies tried to cheer me up. I think I'd have clicked on by. Reflecting on what is going on in your life is one thing but that was just an angry whine. Sorry.
I'm not saying I'll be all kittens and lollipops from here on (very unlikely) but I will try to be less tantrum like.
In my defence, I've never liked New Year. I have always thought about the bad things that have happened and those that may happen in the months to come. Cheery sort, huh?
And although I certainly am still grieving I am also aware that the losses I blogged about were not tragic.
My Gran was 90 years old and I truly realise how fortunate I was to have all the time I had to spend with her, she was so mentally agile and such a spirit. I know many others never get the chance to have a relationship of this sort. I also realise that many people have had to say goodbye to loved ones lost in tragic circumstances. I am blessed with fantastic memories that shape the person I am today. I need to remember that. I really do miss her though, primarily she was my friend.
Both my pets were old and had great lives, neither of them suffering at the end. Again a reason to be grateful and to try and focus on the time I had with them not on what I have lost.
I think the losses hit so hard when I look at my family shrinking. It is hard to say goodbye when the likelihood of extending my own family is fading so quickly. It made me deeply consider what life is all about and I'm not sure I really liked the answer.
After the last IVF failure and the wait for the recurrent miscarriage testing I decided to put everything on hold. For the first time in this whole journey I wasn't desperate to have a plan, to move ahead. I think I knew I just couldn't cope with big decisions so I refused to think about them until the new year. Rather than being frustrating and stressful I found it such a relief. We did a building project in the house and concentrated on tiles, taps and the like. It was good to stress about something that was solid, tangible and ultimately not life changing (and there was plenty of stress-but that would be a post in itself)
It is now 2009. Time to consider some options. Yikes.


Emily said...

Any loss is tragic! You can't hurry grieving... it happens in it's own time. Not to mention, infertility and failed IVF's are losses also, but you know that. I didn't feel negative reading your post at all! I was glad you were back, and also understood 100% your need to reflect on the losses you went through last year.

Sending hugs... and hoping for a GOOD 2009!

Thalia said...

Carrie, you never ever need to apologise for writing a gloomy or depressing or even angry and vicious post. This is your space and you should write what works for you. We will still be here.

I'm so sorry to hear about your gran, it sounds like a tremendous loss. I miss my grandmother tremendously although I lost her many years before she died to alzheimers.

I'm wishing you a much much better 2009

luna said...

that is a LOT of loss for one year, carrie. no need to stuff it back in. any one of those things would have me on the floor in a pile. to feel them all at once is overwhelming.

wishing you some peace in the new year, and better days ahead.

In Search of Morning Sickness said...

You know, I don't think it was bad of you to write that post. You wrote what you felt. We want to know that, want to listen. You've had a very PAINFUL year. Losing a beloved grandparent, no matter their age, is always a painful matter. I wasn't terribly close to my husband's grandfather, but he died 2 days ago and I feel that pain of him not being around anymore.

IVF is such a horrific thing to go through, and you've had some really bad ones. I have been so sorry for your losses and failures, feeling you didn't deserve them.

I am hoping 2009 can be so much more for you, and hold out some beauty and hope.

Amy said...

I'm with Emily! Any loss IS tragic. If it weren't you wouldn't be human! Our grief overcomes us in ways that are unknown to those outside of our computers and you wrote about yours! It's so much better than holding it all in!

Thinking of you today and always and hoping for only the best for you this year!

Ms. Planner said...

I heard once that grieving deeply for something (someone) is a way to honor your love for them. Grief is a very evolved human emotion.

As for your gracious apologies: none needed. Per Thalia, this is YOUR space. For me, writing down my feelings in my blog was a way to get stop them from tumbling over and over in my head - driving me mad.

You, of course, have all my best wishes for a much better 2009.


Ms. Planner

PS So sorry for the loss of your beloved furry friends, too. Oh what a tough year despite all the good, long lives.

chicklet said...

Dont worry at all about the bitchy or gloomy posts - I've had my own lately. It's hard not to be angry or depressed. I'm so curious to hear what your options are:-)

Tam said...

Well all that I can say is that my own blog is no bundle of joy at the moment either! It's okay, it's our space, it's where we get to do that kinda stuff so we still love you!!

I'm hoping that this year is better, all round. I sometimes can't believe that we're still doing this, most of the "group of blogs" that we were in have moved on and now considering a 2nd one and as happy as I am for them, I'm so so sad for us. Hang in there sweetie xxx

Trish said...

thinking of you...

Tam said...

Just want you to know that I've been thinking of you, I hope you're okay.

Much love and big hugs xxx

Ms. Planner said...

Carrie? Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you.

Hope life in Scotland is treating you much better as winter turns to spring.

Your friend....Ms. P

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