Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Goodbye to 2008 (you won't be missed)

It seems odd to me that in some parts of the world it is already next year. Odd but not great because it just underlines the fact that New Year is simply a step over a date line and not actually the beginning of anything new.

2008 has not been a good year. It has been full of loss and failure. The saying goodbye to my furry friends, my old cat in April and our 12 year old spaniel at the beginning of December. They are both missed terribly. My house (and heart) is so much emptier.

In July I lost my beloved Grandmother. I can't explain how much this has affected my life. I miss her every day, I want to tell her things. I miss our lunches and shopping trips at the weekends. She was everything to me. She gave me purpose and she needed needed me as much as needed her. I miss being needed. I miss having family.

On top of this there was the two IVF failures. Not much I can say about that.
The lack of pregnancy this year has also been a worry. Although I have never got to the healthy new-born stage I have been pregnant during 2005, 2006 and 2007. Not so much in 2008. Apart from a brief flirt with the faintest of second lines back in February it has been a very non-pregnant year. I know that not being pregnant is better than miscarrying again but the fact that I haven't even managed to get pregnant doesn't fill me with hope for the future.

Are you still reading? Goodness knows why. The truth is I have bored myself. I can't even talk about it anymore- It's just one huge pile of blah.... I can't imagine a happy ending. It is hard to continue trying when you have no hope.

2009. Wouldn't it be nice if it was a good year?

I'd settle for just mediocre, if truth be told.


Emily said...

Wishing you a wonderful 2009. I hope it's miles better than 2008. Nice to hear from you, by the way. :)

Amy said...

Hoping that 2009 is a stellar year for you and yours! No mediocrity in these here parts just excellence heading your way!

Melbagirl said...

If anyone deserves a remarkable 2009, it is you.

May your struggles be simple ones and your joys be huge, in 2009.

Geohde said...

Oh Carrie,

I really hope that 2009 brings about 40 consecutive weeks of p-word, hon.

I hope for better than mediocre for you,



chicklet said...

Still reading. Still hoping for mediocre myself...

christina(apronstrings) said...

i lost all hope too for myself a long time before it finally happened. you don't need to hope, the whole positve thinking thing is a load of crap.
but what may hope is all of us out here who hope for you. and man, i still harbor hope for you. so much, carrie.
i know it's hard, well actaully i can't imagine and would never pretend to know how you feel.
for now, i'll just whisper a bit of hope for you into the universe.i hope that's okay