In The Right Direction

Thank you all so much for your lovely words, even lovelier given the depressing post. I really appreciate the thoughts :-)

Strangely enough I've had a very good week. After a lot of consideration I think we will go back to treatment (I know-I was so sure I was finished but...) I also decided I wouldn't plan anything more until after the year. The breathing space seems to have brought a (temporary?) peacefulness.

I am quite proud of myself this evening.

My brother and his wife are expecting their second child.
I am pleased they are having another baby, really pleased. I adore my 19 month niece. She is such a sweetie. Perhaps it is because I love my niece so much, or perhaps I am in a better place, but dealing with this pregnancy announcement isn't half as difficult as the last one seemed.
I spoke to my brother and was able to ask about the date for the scan and general stuff like that. I really don't want, or need, to know all the ins and outs of symptoms or growing bumps but I was genuinely interested in how they were doing.

It wasn't about me for once and I am very pleased to have found this place.

On a completely different subject (or maybe slightly related)- I went to the hairdressers this week and changed my look dramatically. I have been feeling so low and boring and ordinary so I decided to go a little wild. My hair is now a vibrant shade of red! I mean really really red.
I was a bit shocked at first but I think I really like it, it is a change and sometimes change is good, no? And it'll grow.

My husband is delighted, he loves my hair but he also thinks, perhaps, I am claiming a bit of the old me back. I know how quickly I can go up and down so we'll see.

But for now it's good.

Doesn't Time Fly When You're Having No Fun?

Hell0 (hanging head sheepishly)
Again I've been quiet for a long time. I didn't really mean to disappear and I have tried to start this post again and again. I just couldn't find the words, which is odd as I have so much I really want to say.

I will make the effort to reconnect. I have been reading your Blogs but even commenting has seemed a bit empty. It is hard to offer hope and encouragement when you are down, it is hard to offer congratulations even to those who I am so genuinely delighted for, their moving on makes my stagnation more pointed, it is even hard now to share painful times, my empathy is too real and I think I feel disappointments and heartache too deeply. But I miss the connection. I feel isolated, we live in a world where the majority of people are lucky enough not to be able to relate to my feelings even if I chose to share them. I miss the understanding.

I don't know how to make sense of this deal anymore. I am just not moving on. I am as far away now (further) from having a baby than I have ever been. This long and difficult journey hasn't taken me one inch closer. Not.one.inch. That is a hard thing to cope with.

I am sorry my post is so depressing, truly I am, but that is how it is right now and I need to work my way through this.

Ok, I'm back. Things feel just a little better already :-)