Friday, October 17, 2008

Doesn't Time Fly When You're Having No Fun?

Hell0 (hanging head sheepishly)
Again I've been quiet for a long time. I didn't really mean to disappear and I have tried to start this post again and again. I just couldn't find the words, which is odd as I have so much I really want to say.

I will make the effort to reconnect. I have been reading your Blogs but even commenting has seemed a bit empty. It is hard to offer hope and encouragement when you are down, it is hard to offer congratulations even to those who I am so genuinely delighted for, their moving on makes my stagnation more pointed, it is even hard now to share painful times, my empathy is too real and I think I feel disappointments and heartache too deeply. But I miss the connection. I feel isolated, we live in a world where the majority of people are lucky enough not to be able to relate to my feelings even if I chose to share them. I miss the understanding.

I don't know how to make sense of this deal anymore. I am just not moving on. I am as far away now (further) from having a baby than I have ever been. This long and difficult journey hasn't taken me one inch closer. That is a hard thing to cope with.

I am sorry my post is so depressing, truly I am, but that is how it is right now and I need to work my way through this.

Ok, I'm back. Things feel just a little better already :-)


luna said...

nice to hear from you carrie. you are still on my reader though you've been so quiet lately. a break can be good, especially when blogging or reading is just getting you down even more. this whole infertility thing just rots.

I wish I had some words of encouragement for you. I'm not sure what your next steps may be. just know I am here with you.

Geohde said...

Oh Carrie,

I'm sorry you're stuck in shitesville.

Virtual hug?



Emily said...

Hey Carrie, I missed you. I know you're in a very difficult place. I'm sorry that this has to be your reality right now. I want you to have your dream so very much! ((hugs)) take your time being sad. It's necessary to go through it in order to come out of it a little bit.

Deb said...

OOO, so glad to see an update even if you are just saying... hey. this sucks. I'm sorry this has been such a rough journey for you. Wishing you some peace.

Thalia said...

Carrie, sorry to hear the tunnel still looks so long and so dark, with no obvious way out. Hoping there is some light somewhere there for you.

christina(apronstrings) said...

you don't owe us anything. when i see that you haven't posted, i hope-pray-no better than to beleive-that you are doing something else. like laying in the grass looking at the clouds.
because i know there is nothing to say that you would make you feel better...i'll stand silent.
but i abide with you. and will as long as it takes.

chicklet said...

I've been checking in often, waiting for you to reappear, knowing you just needed time. I don't know what to say cuz I'm stuck in the same shite place you are (not one inch closer) so I SHOULD know what to say, but I don't, cuz it all just plain old fucking sucks. I'm here with ya sista:-) ... or maybe more so:-(

JJ said...

So glad to hear from you Carrie--always here to listen and be with you in whatever moments you are going through. (BIG HUGS)

Sheona said...
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Melbagirl said...

Your story is sad. Yet, you are still seeking out the support of others. That's very good news. We will worry about you a little less. I'll pray for you to get some light at the end of your tunnel. Please don't feel so isolated. We are here, listening to you.

m said...

It's so good to see you back - I've missed you terribly. And I totally get where you're coming from - about offering encouragement when being in a craptacular place, and everyone else moving on. It sucks ass. Big time.


Silver said...

Glad you're back on the horse. You know I totally get where you're coming from . . . and what you're doing just might bring you closer to what you want, even if it doesn't seem like it just now. And however it turns out in the end, peace of mind that you've given it a good shot means an awful lot. Hang in there!

andi said...

Good to have you back carrie. Take your own sweet time - and drink lots of wine.

Thinking of you..


Anonymous said...

I'm glad to see you back. Don't feel bad at all for having to take some time away. We understand.