Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Goodbye to 2008 (you won't be missed)

It seems odd to me that in some parts of the world it is already next year. Odd but not great because it just underlines the fact that New Year is simply a step over a date line and not actually the beginning of anything new.

2008 has not been a good year. It has been full of loss and failure. The saying goodbye to my furry friends, my old cat in April and our 12 year old spaniel at the beginning of December. They are both missed terribly. My house (and heart) is so much emptier.

In July I lost my beloved Grandmother. I can't explain how much this has affected my life. I miss her every day, I want to tell her things. I miss our lunches and shopping trips at the weekends. She was everything to me. She gave me purpose and she needed needed me as much as needed her. I miss being needed. I miss having family.

On top of this there was the two IVF failures. Not much I can say about that.
The lack of pregnancy this year has also been a worry. Although I have never got to the healthy new-born stage I have been pregnant during 2005, 2006 and 2007. Not so much in 2008. Apart from a brief flirt with the faintest of second lines back in February it has been a very non-pregnant year. I know that not being pregnant is better than miscarrying again but the fact that I haven't even managed to get pregnant doesn't fill me with hope for the future.

Are you still reading? Goodness knows why. The truth is I have bored myself. I can't even talk about it anymore- It's just one huge pile of blah.... I can't imagine a happy ending. It is hard to continue trying when you have no hope.

2009. Wouldn't it be nice if it was a good year?

I'd settle for just mediocre, if truth be told.