Friday, January 02, 2009

Putting the Dummy Back In!

I don't know if the (so inappropriate!) title translates so I will explain. In Scotland if you have a bit of a hissy fit and get stroppy someone might say you spat the dummy. I certainly spat the dummy, I have just reread my last entry. Oh my, I am so negative about EVERYTHING. I am so sorry if you logged in at new year and had a big downer laid on you. I don't mean to make everyone feel bad too.
I was going to delete the whole post but I am touched that such lovely ladies tried to cheer me up. I think I'd have clicked on by. Reflecting on what is going on in your life is one thing but that was just an angry whine. Sorry.
I'm not saying I'll be all kittens and lollipops from here on (very unlikely) but I will try to be less tantrum like.
In my defence, I've never liked New Year. I have always thought about the bad things that have happened and those that may happen in the months to come. Cheery sort, huh?
And although I certainly am still grieving I am also aware that the losses I blogged about were not tragic.
My Gran was 90 years old and I truly realise how fortunate I was to have all the time I had to spend with her, she was so mentally agile and such a spirit. I know many others never get the chance to have a relationship of this sort. I also realise that many people have had to say goodbye to loved ones lost in tragic circumstances. I am blessed with fantastic memories that shape the person I am today. I need to remember that. I really do miss her though, primarily she was my friend.
Both my pets were old and had great lives, neither of them suffering at the end. Again a reason to be grateful and to try and focus on the time I had with them not on what I have lost.
I think the losses hit so hard when I look at my family shrinking. It is hard to say goodbye when the likelihood of extending my own family is fading so quickly. It made me deeply consider what life is all about and I'm not sure I really liked the answer.
After the last IVF failure and the wait for the recurrent miscarriage testing I decided to put everything on hold. For the first time in this whole journey I wasn't desperate to have a plan, to move ahead. I think I knew I just couldn't cope with big decisions so I refused to think about them until the new year. Rather than being frustrating and stressful I found it such a relief. We did a building project in the house and concentrated on tiles, taps and the like. It was good to stress about something that was solid, tangible and ultimately not life changing (and there was plenty of stress-but that would be a post in itself)
It is now 2009. Time to consider some options. Yikes.