Frustration, More Frustration and a Little Fun.

It is getting so early dark here. Winter is just around the corner. It has made me impatient, another year almost over, I'm still not pregnant, time is marching on. Here's the frustration part..........

We went along to the potential new clinic last Monday. I liked the doctor but he reckons we don't need IVF straight away. He wants to wait 6 months (What for?) and then start in March. He's not asking us, he has decided. Now this seems like a long time away to me. March. I was hoping for.......hmmmm......next cycle. We have started the proceedings with the Hep B, Hep C, HIV tests having been done there and then . I have a line for day 3 testing of... FSH, estradoil, LH, Prolactin, TSH, rubella, full blood count, testosterone and thyroxine. Most of these have already been done but he wants them done again. Seems to me that no doctor actually trusts another, doesn't help me to trust any of them!

Even more frustrating, I have drawn a blank at the miscarriage testing. My gynaecologist just will not entertain it. She does not accept the first two pregnancies as clinical (they didn't need any medical intervention and the first wasn't even on my GPs notes). She will not even speak about them other than say early losses are very common. I even wrote to her asking that she refers us for further testing based on 4 losses, being over 35 and about to start another IVF cycle (which she did refer me for) I wrote so that there would be a copy of my letter in my file and she'd have to reply in writing. I thought this would make her a little more accountable for her actions and therefore more likely to help. In her reply she only referred to the losses that needed ERPCs and told me that guidelines do not recommend testing yet. I am so frustrated at her, at the NHS, at the whole deal. There seems to be nothing I can do to receive decent healthcare round here.

So I now have a problem, well two problems really. In a complete about turn from not wanting to try again, I now want to try IMMEDIATELY. I have had it with the waiting and hoping. I want to do everything in my power to get, and stay, pregnant or have closure if it doesn't happen. I need this torture to end, I can't have my life on hold indefinitely.
So the first dilemma was whether or not to go back to the original clinic ( I have already paid for a cycle and haven't done it yet) I wasn't impressed by their treatment last time but it would be a start, then I'd have new clinic to fall back on in March. I kind of decided that this is what I would do when problem number two emerged. My husband doesn't want to. He want to DIY until March.

I have tried to explain my need to move forward quickly but he reckons we are going to fall pregnant in the next couple of cycles. Based on what?? Of course I asked him this and he replied that he just felt it. Sigh. After much discussion, ok , me talking, him glazing over, he said, and I quote, " Well, I won't fight you."
What sort of commitment is that? It means I have to decide, if it all goes wrong I've wasted our money and I'll have to put up with the look. The 'I told you so' look. I am going mad with the overthinking. Absolutely mad.

Everything if complicated even further by the fact that we are going on holiday and my period is due that week (why wouldn't it be?) This means I can't get the day 3 blood work done for the new clinic. This will also mean I can't start down regulation, at the old clinic, on day 20, I think. I'm no doctor but I would imagine that doing day 3 blood work next month whilst down regulated may lead to some interesting results, no? So.... Now it looks like the earliest we can cycle, if everything else goes our way, would be December. What are the chances of the clinic running as normal. I just know I'd end up with retrieval on Christmas day or something equally as awkward. Cycling in January might be too close to March? I really don't know. It's all too hard. My head hurts!

The fun part is the holiday I mentioned. A cruise round the Med. We booked it on the Friday after the final scan, (before the ERPC on the Monday). We really can't afford it as, of course, we are looking at further IVF treatment but we felt we needed to get away. For a while I felt like it was a huge mistake. I was so miserable that I didn't really want to go away but I am looking forward to it now. It'll be fun to spend some time together.

Perhaps I'll relax so much I might even........ Well, I can dream.