Elinor seemed to turn all of her books on the subject of infertility backwards on the bookshelves, where Roger found them while cleaning. Why do you think she did so? In what ways do you think people who are struggling with infertility help in keeping infertility such a "taboo" topic? Do you see infertility ever becoming a more accepted or understood topic?
I can completely relate to this one. When I went on holiday I put all my books on fertility and miscarriage in the attic. My mum was feeding the cat. My mum! She knows what we are going through, more or less, but I didn't want her to see the rather well stocked library I have built up. Why? I'm not completely sure. I don't think I want her to know truly how much this whole deal has taken over my life. I don't want her to know how desperate I have become. I don't want her to pity me.
I think that is what is behind my secrecy. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I feel like I have failed and I don't want others thinking of me in this way too.
I know this is not a rational way to think. My losses are no more my fault than any random illness would be, but I see infertility as a failure. My failure. Maybe it is just a pride thing.
I also don't want to discuss infertility with others if I feel they can't really understand how totally consuming it can be. To bare my real feelings and the depth of hurt to someone to be repaid with a, 'well, if it is meant then it'll happen' type comment would ensure the end of a friendship for me. It is just too difficult to explain to the wider world, so I won't.
Unfortunately, although this is a self-preservation technique, it is doing nothing to help infertility to be understood. Even my close friends and family aren't invited into my world. Unless people like me can be comfortable enough to talk, explain and share I don't see it becoming a more understood topic. I think it will always be taboo for me.
The book explores different kinds of love. It seems that their battle with fertility (and really Elinor's battle with herself) has changed the type of love Ted feels for his wife. Has your journey with infertility and/or loss changed the love between you and your spouse?
Absolutely. No one in the world has a better idea of my journey than my husband. He doesn't always understand everything but I can be totally honest with him. His babies died too so I don't get angry at his advice or assume he doesn't understand the hurt. Having him be my rock has taken me to a new level of respect and love for him. He has stuck by me through some black times, he has shown patience I didn't know he had. He doesn't judge me or expect me to act or feel a certain way. He has held my hand through some ugly scenes and he still loves me. We have definitely grown closer. I wish it hadn't happened for these reasons but I am glad our relationship has developed such depth.
As we see glimpses into Ted & Elinor's relationship after their unsuccessful fertility treatments, we discover that Ted seeks solace in the garage and the gym -- places where he can "fix" things. Elinor finds refuge in the laundry room and by re-reading classic novels from college. Why do you think Elinor is drawn to these activities? What activities do you engage in as a way to soothe your soul during your fertility quest and why do you think you are drawn to them? What about your partner - does he/she have places or tasks that provide some refuge?
We are very like Ted and Elinor in this respect. My husband retreats to the garage and motorbikes. He likes to restore classic bikes. When life is difficult he'll start a new project. It takes his mind off things I suppose. Gives him an escape, a focus. It seems to work for him.
I am like Elinor too. When I am down I can't bear to be with people. Nothing seems to cheer me up as much as a full day of housework. No interruptions. I love to clean. It has a purpose, it is physical and it makes me feel good. I can lift my spirits. I don't know if it is symbolic, it doesn't feel it. I just like to clean.
Funny that I don't like to clean nearly so much when I am happy. I haven't realised that before!
Intrigued by the idea of a book tour and want to read more about Happiness Sold Separately? Hop along to more stops on the Barren Bitches Book Tour by visiting the master list at http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/. Want to come along for the next tour? Sign up begins today for tour #8 (The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood) and all are welcome to join along . All you need is a book and blog.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Happiness Sold Seperately
Posted by Carrie at 8:34 PM
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14 comments:
"seeing infertility as a failure" you are not alone in this theory at all.
thank you for sharing your responses
it's strange, isn't it, how we blame ourselves for infertility? i wonder why that is. i agree that it's a big part of why it's hard to share it with the wider world, the feeling that you've done something wrong or caused it, however irrational that feeling is.
i love that you like to clean. i wish i did! i craft. i think it is that physical aspect, plus it's something that you can do and look at when you're finished and see a result. you just don't get that with IF.
www.candysland.wordpress.com
"I don't want her to know how desperate I have become. I don't want her to pity me." I feel like that a lot. The sad faces, the pats on the shoulders. At times, it's too much to take. Thanks for sharing!
Ohhh, you answered my question about the activities!
Carrie, I really, really loved what you wrote about the ways your love with your husband has deepened during this time in your lives. Whatever you have suffered, it is a small blessing to know that you have him to endure it by your side.
I think that your response about infertility being hard to discuss is very true. I think the only way that it may become more comfortable for myself since I am more reluctant to talk about it is if we end up being parents in the end.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
I agree with so much of what you said. I was so ashamed about sharing my IF, I felt like I did something wrong. I think for me it turned around when I found out friends of ours were expecting twins (before we started the process, but after we found out we had to do IVF) but kept the fact that it was IVF twins to themselves. I just remember crying and crying when I got home because of how inadequate i felt, and jealous too. Now, after telling them about our journey, they did open up to us. And I realized that I didn't want to be that person for someone else. So I always tell people that my twins are IVF, just in case the person asking has some issues of their own. I don't want to make anyone else feel the way I did that day.
Thanks for sharing.
Ha--I feel exactly the same way about cleaning. It's actually a mark for me about what sort of mood I'm in. Saturday morning, lots of cleaning. Today, not so much. It's all my anxiety level.
I hate cleaning, no matter my mood!
I really understand where you are coming from about not wanting people's pity. Sometimes I really don't know what I want from people. I can fantasize about crying and telling friends about how I feel, but I fear their responses, and usually end up with a stoic, "I'm doing okay. Things could be worse." It's hard to share, especially when treatment has not been successful.
I always clean when I'm good and pissed! When things are going well, I become a complete slob, but when I get angry and upset, I instinctively grab the broom and start putting things in their proper places. It's one of the few positive outcomes of our infertility---our home has never been so organized! The clutter and confusion in my head and heart drove me to whittle our house down to simple spaces, cleared of junk and confusion. I'd like to think that, over the years that same structured clarity has spilled over into the rest of me.
It's wonderful that such an experience can bring depth and connection between you and your husband. So sad it didn't for Elinor and Ted.
I'm LOL about the cleaning. By your standard you'd think I'm really happy!
It's bizarre - I have books on weight loss and anxiety and countless embarassing tat on my shelves, yet the IF books stay in a cupboard in the bedroom. The only people I know who are really open about IF and IVF are the ones for whom treatment has worked - it seems like it's the failure that we want to keep secret. It's OK to have problems and to undergo treatment - just as long as you succeed.
I'm a lot more open about it than I used to be, and some of my friends have said they do think more about it now that they know a 'real' person who is going through it.
I only clean when there are people coming round - I hate cleaning with a passion!! I envy people who enjoy it.
I think once we share, we're often surprised at what gets shared back...
It is hard NOT to let infertility make you feel like a failure. I feel that way too, even though I know I shouldn't.
I try at times to educate others about the subject but at times it is just too much to deal with.
Funny thing..I was just typing the work infertility and spelled it wrong, tried to correct it with spell check. It didn't even come up. That's how mis-understood of a topic it really is. You can't even find the correct spelling in spellcheck.
i keep my secret from my family and friends...the only place i share is on a blog with strangers. my husband doesn't even understand the loss i feel. i don't want anyone's pity.
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