IVF #2 (and a half)

Thank you all so so much for your comments of support after my last post. I didn't want to write it, I felt so foolish, I thought about just walking away from the Blog. In the end I posted but didn't expect such comfort. I can't imagine not knowing all you ladies. Thank you all.

The clinic let me carry on with the IVF despite the chemical. Although I started a few days later than expected, the scan/bloods showed I was down regulated.

This cycle has been so much harder than the last. I've had headaches and felt really nauseous. Just yuck all through.

Day 8 scan yesterday showed six follicles on one side and seven on the other. All between 10 and 12 mm. I'm pleased with this but I'm just taking it one step at a time, over thinking just doesn't help.

I have a major day at work on Thursday. Very stressful but I'm taking some time off from Friday. Apart from this there is not an awful lot of excitement right now. I'm just concentrating on growing some pretty eggs!

Back in the Trenches

So it turns out I can add another chemical to my list of failures. I don't have much else to say. I am sick of feeling like a freak and a failure.

I hate that I was excited enough to be able to post some good news for a change that I went ahead and shared.
I hate that everyone was so hopeful and cheery and, yet again, I have to follow up with bad news.
I hate that keeping hold of a baby seems beyond me.
I hate that I am far less surprised about how this turned out than most people would (or should) be.
I hate that I have day 3 scan and blood work tomorrow and I have so. very. little. hope. of this journey ever ending in a real live baby.
I hate that I am so very embarassed about this.
I hate that sad is my default setting and has been for so long now.
I hate that my husband cried about this whilst I drank wine, ate chocolate and spent a whole lot on new clothes on my credit card.

I hate this whole deal. I hate it.

Also, how spooky/strange/awful is it that my latest Amaz*n book recommendations were e mailed to me today and they are all (and this is the first time this has happened) about coping with living child free and moving on?

Maybe Lightning Doesn't Strike Twice

I weed on two more sticks this morning. The internet cheapie was as faint as yesterday, certainly no darker. The Early Response one was so pale that I had to hold it at certain angles to even see the second line.
Could it just be more dilute wee? I'm prepared for a chemical. I had one of those a year past September. I'll test again in the morning, it should be very clear which way this is going by then.
Poor Mr L is working in the Northern Isles for the rest of the week. He was flying early and woke me up so I could pee! I had already, about an hour and a half earlier. He said, 'but this isn't what I expected.' Poor man really.
You'd think he'd learn not to expect anything at all.

What's With Me and The Downregulation?

Would a very very faint second line at 11 dpo (during down regulation-again!) be anything to get my hopes up for?

Time will tell.

Freaking out.