So it turns out I can add another chemical to my list of failures. I don't have much else to say. I am sick of feeling like a freak and a failure.
I hate that I was excited enough to be able to post some good news for a change that I went ahead and shared.
I hate that everyone was so hopeful and cheery and, yet again, I have to follow up with bad news.
I hate that keeping hold of a baby seems beyond me.
I hate that I am far less surprised about how this turned out than most people would (or should) be.
I hate that I have day 3 scan and blood work tomorrow and I have so. very. little. hope. of this journey ever ending in a real live baby.
I hate that I am so very embarassed about this.
I hate that sad is my default setting and has been for so long now.
I hate that my husband cried about this whilst I drank wine, ate chocolate and spent a whole lot on new clothes on my credit card.
I hate this whole deal. I hate it.
Also, how spooky/strange/awful is it that my latest Amaz*n book recommendations were e mailed to me today and they are all (and this is the first time this has happened) about coping with living child free and moving on?
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Back in the Trenches
Posted by Carrie at 3:39 PM
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34 comments:
Ugh, this shit just never ends does it? F*!
And you should add Amazon to your hate list...
oh carrie, I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. and I get it.
you know it's natural to be excited and hopeful when you see that second line. you had every right to feel that way. and of course now you have every right to be angry and frustrated and sad and doubtful. I have felt all of those things too. I feel all of those things now. I wish there was something more I could say. but you are not alone.
~luna
p.s. thanks so much for your continued support also.
I just hate it. I hate it for you, the ups and downs. I don't know how I would handle it. I've never had a faint double line, it's always been a glaring single line (much like the little plastic stick is giving me the bird). So I don't know the joy of hope turning to sorrow. But I'm thinking of you and sending you strength.
Shit. I am sorry. It sounds like shopping and wine were a good anecedote. And delete that crappy amazon email, will ya? :)
UGH!!! Major hugs! I am glad you shared your moment of excitement. Even though the moment is now gone it was a moment worth celebrating.
I wish the outcome was different!
Fuck. C, I just wish I had an answer. i wish I could change your default setting - I truly do.
Much love my friend, keep up with the wine, chocolate and shopping...
xxx
Fuck fuck fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck infertility. Fuck miscarriage. Fuck good people being constantly handed a shit stick.
I'm so sorry. This isn't fair. It isn't right.
As for "disappointing people" or whatever it is.. Don't feel that way. Our hearts are broken FOR you, not because of you. Okay?
--Trish
Oh carrie I am so very sorry. It's incredibly cruel that you are having to go through this again.
Carrie, I am so sorry...it's so damn tough to swim against the tide, isnt it?
You are very much in my thoughts and prayers...
Yea, girl that's sucks big time!I've never seen a faint line yet, but maybe one one day!! Still waiting for my chance to become pregnant and have my 1st!! It sucks and I would totally feel the same way.
-Pink
I am so so sorry, sweetie. What an awful day.
Shit Carrie,
I'm sorry doesn't really quite cover it, but I am deeply sorry,
xx
J
Oh Carrie.
You're so not a failure. Please don't think that at all. You've just reacted as any one of us would have done. I had the FAINTEST line last cycle and clung to that hope for ages.
Send Amazon straight to your TRASH!
Thank you so much for all your support xx
Miss Carrie, I hate it, too. I hate that you are hurting so much right now. I hate that you've been dealt all of this sadness. It isn't fair. Not one bit.
Sending you some love, hope and friendship during your dark days. Thinking of you.
Ms. P
P.S. And screw Amazon. I'm boycotting them on your behalf.
Oh hon, there's nothing I can say except that I'm sorry.
So sorry that you have to be tortured again. This whole infertility thing just plain sucks. I wish there were some words of wisdom to share with you...but I haven't found them yet. The best I can do is to say you are not alone out there. We all feel for you and are here whenever you need to share the good, bad and the ugly.
It seems like such a simple thing we want in life and I don't understand why it is so hard.
I'm so sorry Carrie.
I hate all of this as much as you too. I hate that you have to go through this again. Makes me so upset. Its just so unfair.
We're all here for you.
Carrie - I am so sorry. I know what it can feel like, I've been there too many times.
My best wishes to you.
I'm so sorry. This whole thing sucks so bad.
I'm so sorry, sweetie. There just aren't any words anymore. I will be praying that peace finds you soon. XOXO
And Amazon is now on my S**T list...
So sorry Carrie. Hugs for you!
I'm so sorry...the hate you're feeling may fade, but will never be forgotten.
we need to have a drink together.
~Rita
Carrie - thank you for leaving your comments re: the Lupron on my blog. It is nice to hear some positives regarding it.
I wish you all the best to come - though I know the waiting for it to just hurry up and get here already really bites sometimes.
I'm so sorry. That sucks. I'm sending {{hugs}} and good thoughts your way.
Found you on connections abound. Just wanted to say I am sorry. I wish you didn't have to go through this!
I am so sorry. You grief is so raw, life is cruel :(
Dear Carrie, I am so, so sorry you are having to go through this hell again. It is doubly cruel to have it happen this way once more, and I hope that at least it can help you get some answers soon.
Thinking of you.
That totally sucks - I always feel so stupid and foolish for being so dumb to think that I could fall pregnant.
I'm really sorry.
good grief. i am so mad at the universe. i wish i could sue them for you. or yell. maybe i will. i want to say something that would make you feel better. but what could? i abide with you and think of you often.
still.so.fvckin.unfair.
xoxoxo
just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you... ~luna
Thank you for your thoughts and encouragement on my Blog. And what an amazing post this was, you hit it all 'on the head'. Just hate all this shit.
love Lianne
Oh shit shit shit xoxo
Just quickly passing by your blog. How incredibly difficult and painful for you to go through this!
May I ask (having not had the time to read your entire blog) if you have had any immune/antibody testing done in the past? If not, I would highly recommend it. I just had a whole panel of immune bloodwork done and am awaiting the results. I found it helpful to read the following:
www dot rialab dot com / miscarriages_prevented dot php (I thought I should write it out so that it doesn't get blocked)
and/or
The Alan E. Beer Center for Reproductive Immunology and Genetics (www dot repro-med dot net)
and/or
fertilethoughts dot com and go to the Immune Issues forum
Unfortunately, a lot of REs never look into this potential cause of miscarriages/prevention of proper implantation. They assume women just have bad eggs or something and then tell them to try donor eggs. That doesn't work either because of the same immune issues, the couples's devastated and financially whip-lashed, and then it's on to adoption. There have been a number of women with a history of miscarriages now who have had successful pregnancies from treatment through IVIg (intravenous immunoglobulin), baby aspirin and/or heparin.
Another cause of recurrent miscarriage is aneuploidy (chromosome abnormalities). Please forgive the length of this post, but allow me to copy and paste the following text about DHEA supplementation from the Centre for Human Reproduction's website (CHR Update):
"We have known for quite some time that many centers around the world have routinely started using DHEA. One of these centers has been Toronto West Fertility Associates, in Toronto, Canada. We have intermittently heard from them that anecdotally they had similar results to ours, but last December they were kind enough to send us their whole, meticulously kept data bank on DHEA usage at their center.
Their pregnancy experience results were, indeed, very similar to ours. What we, however, were most interested in this time was not pregnancy, but miscarriage rates. As we have repeatedly noted in our UPDATEs, we have come to believe that DHEA supplementation may reduce the number of chromosomally abnormal embryos (aneuploidy). We reached this conclusion after making two observations:
(1) In a small number of women who underwent PGD after they had been treated with DHEA, we found lower aneuploidy rates than in women without DHEA supplementation. Unfortunately, women in need of DHEA usually have small embryo numbers and, therefore, only very rarely qualify for PGD. This kind of data accumulation is, therefore, very slow and we so far have not reached statistically robust enough numbers.
(2) Our second, related observation was that we noted a surprisingly low miscarriage rate in DHEA pregnancies. Since miscarriages, especially in older women, are mostly due to chromosomal abnormalities, this observation, too, suggested the possibility that DHEA may reduce aneuploidy rates. To reach statistically robust conclusions, once again relatively large (pregnancy) numbers were required and we therefore, up to this point, have been cautious to not over interpret our own data.
This is why the timing of the arrival of the Toronto data was so exciting; these data not only confirmed the high pregnancy rate in very unfavorable patients with diminished ovarian reserve, but demonstrated an identical reduction in miscarriage rate to the one observed by us (when compared to national IVF data). Since the combined data sets between CHR and the Toronto center involve an adequate size patient sample, we are now confident to state that DHEA supplementation significantly decreases the miscarriage rate in women with diminished ovarian reserve.
Indeed, we even can go beyond this statement: While a reduction in miscarriage rates is seen in women of all ages, the reduction is smaller in women below age 35 than in women above age 35 years, where the reduction often exceeds 50 percent. This, of course, should not surprise since miscarriages are known to increase with advancing female age. Most of these miscarriages are, however, due to aneuploidy and this observation brings us back to where we started from: Our new data, on the decrease in miscarriage rates after DHEA supplementation especially in older women above age 35, strongly support that DHEA, indeed, reduces chromosomal abnormalities (aneuploidy rates) in embryos.
The importance of this observation cannot be overemphasized. Since older women represent in the USA the most rapidly growing age group of women having babies, our findings may have significance far beyond those older women who require fertility treatment. Indeed, if confirmed by further studies, DHEA may become a supplement to be given, like prenatal vitamins, to all (older) women contemplating pregnancy."
If you've already looked into the above, then I apologize for wasting your time. In any case, you have my deepest sympathies for your pain and loss.
Best wishes,
Emma1970 (you can find me in the fertilethoughts dot com High FSH forum)
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