I have realised that I am repeating old patterns. I am shutting myself off from everyone, and now even my Blog. I think if I can't be a little upbeat or positive then I just run away from everyone. This is not a great reaction in real life but I reckon it is even worse here. This is supposed to be a journal of my journey and I'm avoiding writing because I've nothing jolly to say. So I will write how I feel, for me, for the future.
It has been a long week. My hormones seemed to hit rock bottom at the end of last week. I saw my GP on Monday and she is the best. She had phoned me at home when the report came in from the EPU because she was so upset for us. Unfortunately we have moved house and I hadn't updated my details but I really, really appreciated her taking time to do that. She kept saying, 'I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.' and she was so kind I started to cry, I mean really cry, could barely catch my breath crying. I just don't cry in front of strangers but I couldn't stop. She let me cry and I know that the appointments are only meant to be ten minutes long, she must have run behind for the rest of the morning after that. She doesn't have the answers, but she cares and that means a lot. She asked if I wanted signed off work but I'm off until Monday anyway. I said I'd rather go back then. She told me to give myself time and to go off if it was all too much. Its only a job.
Monday was the last of the really terrible crying. My husband was so worried about me over the weekend that he went to work on Monday morning, sorted his week out, and came home again at lunchtime having arranged to take the rest of the week off. I know this isn't convenient for him. He said he doesn't know what to do or how to help but his place was with me, not at work. I so love that man.
That brings me to the point of this post. The running away. I don't want to see anyone right now except my husband. I am absolutely dreading having to chat politely with my colleagues on Monday, of course the opening sentence, again and again, will be, "Did you have a good summer?" Sigh.
My mother is worried about me, I know she is but I just can't speak to her. It doesn't make me feel good about myself. I let the phone go to voicemail mostly. Every so often I'll answer and she'll ask how I am. I just say, "fine, and you." I'm shutting her out. Completely. This happened last time too. This is not her fault but she just doesn't understand how I feel. She hurt my feelings terribly last time and I'm not letting her close enough to do it again.
I've spoken to some friends but, again, I won't talk about how I feel, or even what's happened this time with most of them. I've not been open with any of them about IF. They all know of the big miscarriage but I just can't seem to let people in. My counsellor called it inappropriate pride, I have thought about that often this last 10 days. I agree with her but she never did help me sort it out. I'm still full of 'inappropriate pride' it would seem.
So how am I feeling? Shattered, defeated, a failure, sorry for my self, angry - so angry, unable to think ahead, unable to live for the moment, sad just plain sad. I don't want to feel this way, I don't want to dwell. I don't want to mope. I certainly don't want to go down the same road I travelled last time.
I'm trying to have a word with myself but it would seem I'm not listening. So my lovely ladies, the ones who do get it, the ones who have coped, what do I do? How do I sort myself out? How do you get back on your feet, ready to fight again?
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Being A Bit More Honest
Posted by Carrie at 5:16 PM
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32 comments:
I think you are such an amazing person. You always write the kindest, most tender comments on our blogs. Not just mine, but everyone's. I know you have been going through hell the past few weeks and still I kept seeing your warm and sweet comments across the blogosphere - so I don't see it that you are running away. You are just opening yourself up as much as feels appropriate and comfortable given what you are going through.
After my last m/c, I couldn't stand to be with anyone but my husband. Our men are the true harbors in this storm.
I started to get over it when I slowly started going back to yoga (yoga is my thing but I am sure you have activities you once loved). I had to seriously force myself to go because I didn't want to be around anyone and didn't find joy in it. After a week or two, I started feeling better. Not great, but the world brightened just a bit.
That being said, there is nothing more frustrating for me than being around people who didn't know why I was so sad. So I was open with my friends &, eventually, my close colleagues about each m/c. It was hard to do but at least people understood was I was not being myself. Of course, I had to endure those stupid comments ("it's nature's way" shit) but I just shut them out and tried to forgive the people who said them. They don't know how insensitive they were being.
My parents, whom I love dearly, still say things like "just relax." I've had to stop talking to them about it as well. Sigh.
Wow, Ms Planner said all I wanted to say=) I am here with you getting back on my feet--come walk with me, and Ill support you whenever you need it.
Wow, the ladies prior really nailed it. I've never had a m/c but in my ignorant opinion, I think ms planner's right in telling you to share. It's going to make some things more horrible, but I think some people will really really surprise you. Maybe some of them have been through it and will know something to help, maybe some will step up that you never thought would. But at least they'll know to be careful and maybe that in itself is helpful cuz you won't have to pretend. They'll just let you be sad until you can step up again. Hang in there - like ms planner said, you're amazing, so let us support you this time like you've supported us.
Oh Carrie, I can only tell you how *I* dealt with the loss, not whether it will work for you.
I went back to work, gritted my teeth and worked my ass off.
I also single mindedly pursued treatment cycle after treatment cycle madly trying to get pregnant again, asap.
No luck on the latter item as yet, and my due date will be sometime in IVF stims, but despite all that, the passage of time has enabled me to feel better anyway.
I think that I will always feel the grief, but I have become better at dealing with it. Time does heal, if you can just hang in there......
xxx
J
I'm so sorry for everything you're going through right now. And, I definitely agree with Ms. P as well. I remember being irrationally angry at people who didn't know why I was sad or didn't empathize, even though I had never told them. It's hard to share, but hard to pretend everything's fine when it's not.
Mostly, though, I think it's okay to be sad for a while. Be sure to take time to heal. And know that we're all thinking of you...
I found kath's advice most helpful - give yourself an hour a day to just feel whatever you're feeling - totally lose it or whatever. That makes it easier to let go rather than spending 24 hours a day trying to keep it under control. You know that at the end of the hour you'll pull yourself together, but for that one hour you can be safe in your grief.
But I think different things work for different people. I went back to work after a few days, and having to put an ok face on things made it easier to get over. Weekends were harder.
The most important thing - you will never get over the loss, but it does get easier to bear.
Oh sweetheart. I think all you can do is just live through it. You have to let yourself grieve. You'll be angry and overwhelmed and full of sadness all by turn... and the days will seem dark and there won't seem to be any joy or chink of light.
And then one day you'll find that you are smiling at something or walking down the street and there is more of a spring in your step and you realise you are coming out of the tunnel.
Plan yourself some treats for a few weeks time. Make sure you do the things you enjoy. Try to eat properly, get fresh air and exercise, at night time have a warm bath and a hot milk and read a good book and try to make sure you settle well to sleep and get your rest.
Take care of your poor battered soul and body as you would a dear friend who needs your love and care, and in time, there will be a chink of light.
xxx
Beautiful Carrie, I have been checking on you every day. Your post had me in tears - thank you for the honesty. I'm not qualified to comment on what you are going through ... but I have battled some fierce storms in my life, some are just so hard - you never think you will get through. But you can, and you do, sometimes I wake up and just feel better for no fucking apparent reason.
And as a fellow "Inappropriate Pride" harbinger ... maybe it's a Scottish thing! I cut everyone out, DESPISE letting people in to see my pain lest they hurt me. It's just what I do. Yes, I know I could make it easier on myself. Hey, no-one's perfect. Sometimes I just LIKE being a hermit crab! :)
You are not alone. The lovely Ms Planners comments are spot on - and so many women are giving you virtual love and support. Be gentle on yourself. "Just for Today".
Thinking of you, as you walk through this. xoxoxoxoo
The only thing I can say is don't feel bad about coming here to be honest. If you're feeling like crap everyday--then say that. We're here to listen and support you and no one is going to judge how you're feeling. ((Hugs to you Carrie))
I'm so sorry you're going through such a rough time. I think the best thing you can do is do what you're doing- be around those people who make you feel better and be honest with yourself about your feelings. It's o.k. if you tell others you're fine just as long as you're able to reflect on what's going on inside for yourself. The best remedy is not an easy quick-fix- as you already know, tincture of time. You have a right to go through a time of mourning- inappropriate pride or not! You're in my thoughts and prayers.
I am new to your blog- just found you on the blogo-sphere. I am so sorry for your loss. You are not alone in your feelings. I am just so so so sorry.
I just wanted to send my love and support your way. I am so very sorry for your loss.
Everyone has pretty much covered how I feel. I have had two losses myself and I know how much pain they bring.
I'm just so sorry and I am here to weather the storm with you.
XOXO,
Kristen
I'm new to your blog too. I'm so sorry for your loss. As for how to move on I can't be of much help because 10 months after mine I'm still trying to. Things are better now, but I never thought they would be. Time seems to slow down and every day the heartbreak is just so damn hard to handle. But you will get through this.
you feel just like anyone would in your shoes...awful. this sucks so much.
who wouldn't want to hide from the world? and as long as you are talking to someone, here your husband, i don't know that that is such a bad thing. people say stupid things, that's why it may a perfect good idea not to talk to said people.
i have, thank god, never been where you are. but at 1 yr of infertility and 3 early, early, m/c's i quit getting out of bed. And before that i couldn't do anything without sobbing for weeks.
I got of out of that funk by going to yoga, meditating, getting OUT of the house. I swear, even doing all of those things, i didn't feel better until months later. And i still feel only close to as happy as i felt pre-IF. But, i'm okay with that.
And you have to allow yourself to be sad and gloomy a bit. THIS SUCKS. ya' know?
thinking of you. xoxo
There is nothing wrong with wallowing for a while. I wish I had when I had my m/c, but instead I pretended like it had never happened and didn't properly grieve.
I'll ditto what several others have said - we're here for you no matter what you're feeling, so feel free to let lose. You're safe here.
Time.
It really is that only thing that heals. Cliche I know but the truth.
I've always retreated into my corner when really really down. Our husbands are the only ones who really understand and are our rocks when times are truly bad.
I've been where you are. I know what it's like. You need to take the time it takes to recover.
No-one else knows what it feels like but your and your husband.
I don't know that there is an answer to "how?" except to just keep breathing.
I find no fault in hiding out. Just as a wild animal limps off to lick its wounds in private, so can you. (we)
Self-preservation is the #1 priority. Don't feel guilty about it.
Going back to work might help. After my first miscarriage I dreaded it. How would I ever be able to have a conversation about the weather again? But I actually found it a relief to be distracted. I hope you find it the same.
I'm truly sorry for your loss.
Dear Carrie, thanks so much for letting us in. That post must have been so very hard to write. Reading it brought it all back so viscerally -- your feelings and reactions and self-protection strategies were so much like mine. I'm not sure about "inappropriate pride" -- maybe it's just the feeling that if you open up too much, you will somehow implode. Sometimes all that seemed to keep me together was my skin, and that didn't seem up to the task at all.
As for advice, the others have said so many good things. Above all, give yourself time and space to grieve. Be as good to yourself as you would a dear friend, and don't expect more of yourself than you would of her. Lean on your supports (your husband sounds utterly amazing) and, with the others, try not to see your options as limited to sharing all and hiding all. Sometimes there's a way to signal to people that you're vulnerable without baring your soul. As for your mother, that is so sad. Mine really hurt me a few times, and it was only after my last miscarriage that I finally was able to tell her what was helpful and what was not, and also look past some of her ineptitude to see the vast well of love she had for me. It ended up really, really helping. But if that's not an option for you, don't feel bad about limiting contact.
Wishing you everything you need to get through this, my dear. How I wish I could offer more than a virtual shoulder.
I echo Ms. Planner. You are a very kind and thoughtful person and it hurts to know you are withdrawing. I suspect it's because you don't want to burden others with your sadness, and with that I can identify. I wish I could fly over there and make it better hon.
I am so sorry. And I wish I had some magic answer to your question. The only thing I've learned is you don't have to get better all at once. You can weather it through until you start feeling ok, then take several steps back and feel sad again. Even months or years later, you can still process this grief. Don't try to do it all at once - it's too hard.
Bea
Everyone else said it so well, just wanted to say that I am sorry for you loss and that I hope that you find a bit of comfort during this difficult time.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I always read your entries but never feel qualified to reply and don't want to accidentally slip out with some a$$vice. Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you from down under Australia xo
Hoping I say the right thing, but I can only suggest you take things one day at a time. Do lots of things that you like doing spend lots of time healing in the arms of your man.
You are a lovely person and have a lot of love to give so lets just get you better and ready to fight another day.
Take care xx
Carrie,
Unfortunately I don't have any answers for you... but I want to let you know that I am thinking of you and wishing you peace.
I'm so, so sorry for your loss. I'm sending lots of hugs your way!
I'm a new reader, found you thru 'lost and found'. I want to say how sorry I am for your loss, for all your losses. I hope that you can find a way to cope that seems right for you and find your way out of the mire. Thinking of you...
I'm so sorry for what you are going through and I truly wish I could do something to make this easier. I think everyone had some great advice. You are just grieving so give yourself all the time you need to grieve. Your Dh sounds wonderful and I'm so glad he's there for you. I had moments where I didn't want to talk or see anyone either but I think it will help to open up to people who love and care for you (only when you are ready). Hang in there. Hugs to you and thanks for leaving such sweet and supportive comments even though you are going through your own hell. You are an amazing person. Take care and be good to yourself ok.
I am so sorry that you are even going through this sweetie. When I read your post I feel so lost for you, I have been through some rough times lately but they don't compare to what you have been through.
I can't give you any addvice, I wish that I could help you get through this. I agree with Ms Planner, the trick is to start slowly and when you are ready, don't rush yourself and if you want to be spitefull with your time that is okay too.
This is all about you and your hubby and what you need to get through this. I found that councelling never helped me because all they told me was that it was "normal" to feel the way I was feeling, wow..thanks! But what I am trying to say it try and be good to yourself, love yourself and give yourself some time, the pain never goes away with anything like this, but it does get bearable.
You can do this, you've been here before and you will get through this sweetie xx
Thinking of you, loads of hugs xxx
Carrie.....
I hope that you are feeling a little better....
This link is for you
http://missionimpossibleinfertile.blogspot.com/2007/08/rock-on.html
xx
J
hey babe.. Just checkin' in with you. You came and posted on my blog to email but I can't figure out where your email addy is. I might be having a technotarded moment, but I can't figure it out.
I just hope you're doing okay.. wanted to let you know I"m thinking of you.
Just wanted to say that I'm in the same place as you - literally. I also live in Edinburgh and I've also had pregnancy loss (6 to date) and IVF. There's a very good miscarriage support group here that meets once a month, organised by the Miscarriage Association. That's one of the things that has kept me sane - that and talking to a couple of friends who've been through similar things. Hang on in there and get in touch if you feel like it - though I can't seem to find a way to email you direct or send my email without publishing it to all!
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