Where Am I Now?

I don't really know where I am but I do know it is very black and I don't like it. I thought I was doing OK but I'm not.

I keep going over and over the day of the procedure, like I have to relive each event. Not healthy I think? I'm going to write the main parts down. It'll be lengthy so feel free to skip.

I was admitted to the EPU, which is a room at the end of the maternity ward, at 8am and told theatre would be at 11.00. Then I saw no one else for hours until a nurse arrived with some tablets (the vaginal pessary) to soften the cervix and laughingly said, "These are for you but you're not getting them in your mouth!" and she was so jolly, like she had just cracked the best of jokes. I realise I may not have been in the best of moods but I found it totally inappropriate. She then sat on my bed and said nothing more as I stared at her. I was still dressed and she didn't give me a gown or tell me what to do. I didn't want to just strip to the waist in front of my husband and her and hop up on the bed, I've never been asked to undress in front of people like that before. I've always been given some privacy and a sheet or something to cover up before they come back into the room. I've little enough dignity left without this. So it was very awkward. 'It's just like a vaginal exam," she said. I asked for some privacy and she seemed quite put out. When she did administer the pessaries she seemed to think my cervix was just below my ribcage. I'm not sure that she is used to this job?

After that the rest was fairly straight forward. Each midwife/doctor/anaesthetist was really nice in themselves. They all seemed quite caring people however no one seemed to know what anyone else had said and so each had some variation in instructions. It was like there was a procedure missing. Just a bed at the top of the ward to be dealt with with no one really knowing what their role was. A different face each time. The procedure was explained and I was told, by the anaesthetist, I'd wake up comfortable with no pain but may have some cramping later. My husband was allowed to come down to the theatre prep place with me and stay till they knocked me out. I really appreciated that.

I didn't get taken down to theatre until about 1.30. I'm not sure why but I suppose these things happen. The theatre tech even apologised for my wait.

The next thing I was aware of was waking up, and what a shock it was. I was in loads of pain and I was howling. I must have been crying before I was aware of being awake because my face was wet with tears, It was all really scary. I hadn't any pain like this last time and remembered waking up quite sleepily. This was a complete contrast. I seemed to go from asleep to hysterical in a heartbeat. I can't really explain it but I wouldn't want to do it again. They gave me painkillers in the recovery room but they took a while to kick in. Even as I was wheeled back to the ward I was barely aware of anything but my cramping. It was a different anaesthetist to the one who had promised me no pain, perhaps due to the delay, I'm not sure if that would make a difference.

The midwife on the ward got the doctor to give me another painkiller, a purple one, much better, I always did like purple and after 20 mins or so it all died down to a bad period like cramp. As i was feeling less distressed I became aware of my bottom lip. It seems my lip must have between the air tube and my teeth. It was all swollen like I'd been punched and it was tingly as if I'd been to the dentist. Its still a bit swollen now and all cut inside. Its still a bit tingly too but at least I can drink tea without it running down my chin now. I guess these things happen too but no one was all that interested or able to explain why. The midwife said that maybe I'd bitten it and she was sure it'd be fine in a day or two. OK then, I'll just leave looking beaten up, no problem.

Later in the afternoonI asked when I could leave but then they discovered my drip hadn't been dripping. The valve was blocked and my blood was going up the tube rather than the stuff coming down, so I had to stay until this was sorted and then I had to have something to eat.
I finally left at 7.45pm with a bottle of painkillers. Physically all sorted I suppose, emotionally in bits.

I'm finding it more difficult than I thought. I just seem to swing from anger to distress and back. I really don't know how to move on. I feel as if I'm on my own now. The health care service has patched me up but there is no focus on how you feel. None at all.

I phoned my midwife this morning to cancel my appointment tomorrow she said she had heard from the EPU so she knew I wasn't coming but thanks for ringing. She then asked if this meant another trip (another trip!) to the Assisted Conception Unit (what to 'pick up' another pregnancy?) I said I just didn't know what I was going to do. I hoped she would speak to me but she just said that she hoped to see me sometime in the future. This got me really upset and I cried for ages when I got off the phone. There isn't any support.

I see my GP on Monday and I love her, she's so empathetic, but really, what can she say? What can anyone say? I don't know what to say myself, I just walk round and hear myself sighing.

I'm hoping this is all the hormone crash. I keep telling myself I've been through worse, I'll get through this too. It is probably true, I will, but I can't tell you how much I wish I didn't have to.