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Monday, August 20, 2007

Scared To Look Forwards?

How can I possibly thank you all for all your comments and support. I really can't put into words how much this has meant to me. I have read and re-read each one. From those who I have a Blog relationship with, to new people who have been pointed here by those who care and want to help. Thank you heaps. I am truly amazed by the power of the internet. I couldn't have believed that strangers all over the world would be able to relate to me when I was really down. To help me feel less isolated. But you have, you really have.

I still feel really flat. I'm not as emotional as I was after the big miscarriage. It doesn't compare to what I 'lost' then. That was a baby, a fully formed baby. This was the beginnings, the potential, and to me, it was the hope of a baby.

I think what is really troubling me this time is the realisation that this may never work.

See part of the problem is that I had tried really hard to convince myself that it had all been bad luck. The first loss was so long ago, when my cycles were so screwed up, I'm really guessing at dates and the second was really early, even the doctors don't seem to see these as anything other than normal, upsetting, but not a medical issue and I kind of didn't either. They both happened easily so there was no lead up to the pregnancy and no fear that it wouldn't happen again. Then I told myself that perhaps the last one had really just been 'one of these things', lots of woman miscarry, and this one would be fine. I really thought that this pregnancy, which happened as we were down regulating to start IVF, was a gift. Saved from the mouth of IVF. In fact we had been delayed for month due to test results, perhaps this was the reason why. Fate. Because we were meant to have this baby. Sentimental, but it is how I was thinking.

So now I don't feel the intense sorrow of the last time, I don't feel the same huge loss and bereavement, but this time I feel defeated. Finished. It is draining. I am functioning on a day to day basis fairly normally. To my colleagues I'm sure it appears that everything is just fine. I'm maybe slightly quieter but not so as they'd remark. To my friends and family I'm texting but keeping my distance, they all know how busy a time this is being back for a new year at school. It's not unusual for me to be a little hermit like anyway until I get the term underway. Only my husband sees the real difference.

It isn't only sorrow for this particular pregnancy this time. It is a deeper feeling, a feeling that nothing is ever going to be all right again, that there is a huge shadow over me and it is going to be around for a while. I smile with my mouth but can't with my eyes. I say what I think I should because I'm too scared to even think about how I really feel. Everything seems so shallow and pointless. I try to listen to others news and be glad for them but it's hard because I don't care. That's not a nice thing to realise but I don't care. I don't care about their daughter's wedding or who's bought a new house. The only emotion I can connect with right now is sadness. I'm finding it hard to put how I feel into words. I guess I feel empty, I feel pointless. I don't feel strong enough to try again and yet I can't imagine not trying. To accept that this is it. It was all for nothing.

With each loss, a little bit of my spirit is gone. The first two only took my innocence, they made me realise that bad things could happen, and did happen and could happen again. They made me more weary and afraid of life in general. The biggest loss scarred me like I didn't know was possible. I wanted to stop feeling such intense emotions that I really contemplated unwise choices. I experienced depression for the first time and it wasn't pretty. The infertility that I then experienced took away the living for the moment. I was always planning and waiting, waiting to ovulate, waiting to test and trying to eat well, live well, avoid toxins, give my body the best chance possible and then still having to cope with disappointment after disappointment. The loss of hope.

That's the awful part. I'm not really sure what effect the loss of this pregnancy will have in the future, but, from experience, I do know it will take its toll At the moment I am just trying to get through. My heart is heavy, my hope has gone, I feel less like my old self than ever. And the process has only just started, it's scaring me.

24 comments:

Natalie said...

Gawd Carrie, I'm so sorry you reached this place. I can't even imagine what you've been through, cuz I know at my point where I haven't had loss yet, I know how defeated I can get - so to have that hope, of fate, and maybe a real chance, and have it stolen away again, I just don't know what to say that could possibly help. All I can say is not caring about anyone or anything else, I get that. Completely. I've become quite numb sometimes, where what would have been exciting to hear in the past, is just a 'meh, are you done talking yet' now. Hang in there.

Searching said...

I'm so very, very sorry. I hope today you are able to smell a beautiful rose, catch a rainbow after the rain, eat a truly decadent piece of chocolate, or just get a really good kiss from the one you love. Anything that brings you some joy and lets you have a brief moment to smile. Sounds like it's been a rough time (understatement I'm sure!). I'm glad you have such an excellent place to get some venting out. You're in my thoughts.

Unknown said...

Oh Carrie, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I can only imagine how you're feeling and that this m/c is made so much worse by the storybook timing of your pregnancy. I do understand your lack of caring about anyone or anything else. Plain old IF makes it so hard to focus on other people's issues, and I am sure than in your case wedding, new houses, etc. seem even more inconsequential.

I just hope that you can work your way through this difficult time. Maybe being so busy at work will help? Or maybe it will just take some time. Either way, I hope you don't give up Hope - no matter what a bitch she can be. I'll be thinking about you...

xoxo

Debby said...

I am new to your blog and have just spent the past nearly 30 minutes reading past posts and being touched by your story. I've sat here and cried for you because I so can relate to so many things you have shared. Thanks for your honesty. As for the looking forward...I too find that impossible and coming out of a few months break from the trying, I am terrified of starting everything again because of the loss I feel is again to come. I unfortunately have no advice here, but just a heart that shares your anxiety for the future.

God bless the internet that allows us to share our stories across continents and oceans.

lub said...

I'm sorry Carrie. Life is really sucky now and I hope it can only get better.

Becks said...

Oh Carrie, I feel like I have just looked into your heart and it brings a tear to my eye. I wish I could say of do something but I know I can't. I can only hope that it doesn't beat you, that you find the strength at some time in the future to fight this monster again. All I can say is that I will hold your hand as long as you want till you can walk on your own again. Hugs xx

Anonymous said...

Dear Carrie, it seems that Bloglines was a week late notifying me of this post -- I'm so sorry I'm only checking in now.

You said everything so wisely and so beautifully that I'm crying -- for you, for your husband, for what your words bring back. You're so right about the loss of hope, and that this is utterly terrifying and draining. In time, may you find the strength and the spirit to feel your way forwards again. And may you find joy when you get there.

hammygirl said...

I'm at a loss for words Carrie. I'm so very very sorry. {{{HUGS}}}

Ms. Planner said...

This post was so raw, honest and truly articulated the way you must feel at this time. It was hard to read it, but I completely understood you. And now I want to reach out, give you a hug, smooth your hair and tell you that you are strong and beautiful person (seriously, I know this from reading your blog) and you WILL have your place in the sun someday. I know you will make it happen. One way or another.

Bumble just posted a new post that so accurately describes the place that I pray each one of us will get to someday. Today, especially, I am praying this for you.

Thinking of you...

xoxo, Ms. P

Kristen said...

Carrie, thank you so much for your support and comments to me. It means so much - you have no idea. You are so amazing to hold me up when you are going through so much right now.

I am so terribly sorry for your losses. I understand what you mean when you say you feel defeated. I have not yet gone down IVF lane but my second loss was after our second Clomid cycle and I felt like okay, this was meant to be.

I know how frigtening it is to look and see what your next steps are or where your future could lead. I never thought I'd be here. And now that I am, I am making decisions I would have scoffed at years ago. The thought of trying again is so daunting. It took everything in me to get back on that bike after I crashed and burned.

I am thinking of you and wishing you peace in this difficult time. Thank you for bringing me to your blog. I believe it was a blessing.

XOXO,
Kristen

ultimatejourney said...

I'm so sorry you're hurting so badly. I can't believe this wonderful surprise didn't work out, and I can't even imagine how you're feeling. I'll be thinking of you.

Geohde said...

Carrie,

Again, I am so sorry for the loss of your saved-from-IVF miracle. It really is a cruel irony.

I too have the fear (for different reasons) that things may never work, reproductively speaking.

I'm sorry that you feel so flat, be kind to yourself and do what you fel able to, not what you feel you 'should'.

xx

J

Topcat said...

Carrie, I hope you start to feel a bit better. The human spirit is amazing in it's healing. I wish you didn't have to walk this road.

Thank you so, so much for all of the comments you have left for me. I'm amazed by the internet too!

xoxoxo

One View said...

Just wanted to give you a big hug and let you know that we're all here for you. I so relate to some of the emotions you are feeling. I can't imagine what a miscarriage and losing a baby feels like and I can only imagine the pain that comes along with it. But I do know that feeling of being defeated and hopelessness. I went through stages like that with every failed IVF. First one, I thought was bad luck, than the next I thought maybe there is something wrong but I still had hope. And with my third and fourth failure, it really broke me and I went into depression for a long time. Dh was so worried about me and I realized I had a lot of greiving and healing to do. It took me a long time to get out of it. BUT I promise things will get better - you are a strong and amazing women and you will ge through this. Just be good to yourself and let time heal your wounds. I believe you will find the strength again. I wish I could be there to comfort you. You are in my thoughts and prayers...

Mama Bear said...

Carrie, I'm so sorry that you are experiencing this again. And, while this loss may not have been as far along, it makes perfect sense that it's hitting you as it is, for all of the reasons you mention. I wish more than anything that I could take your pain away. Absent that, please know that I'm thinking of you, and that we're all here for you. xx

olivegirl said...

I've had a hard time bouncing back this time too. I think we're going through a lot of the same stuff. I hope you start feeling better soon. And I'm ordering that book you recommended post haste!

The Oneliner (Christina) said...

I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. It's so unfair. And awful.
I will say that maybe when you get in a better place and can manage...maybe you could consider doing IVF with PGD. I know its not a cure all...but it could be just what you need.
That's what we are doing. Mainly b/c i can't go through another chemical. Which is 1/4th of the devastation that a later m/c is.

love to you. i hope you feel a bit better soon.

Heather said...

(((Hugs))) Hang in there. Try to take some time to grieve and vent.

Joy said...

Wow. My thoughts and feelings put into words.
I feel as though I could cut & paste the entry into my own blog and just say "Yeah. That."
Everyone keeps telling me that I'm so strong and doing so well.

Even today at my follow up appt, my old doctor came to ask how I was and my response was "Well, What can you do. We try again." and she totally saw through it. She gave me the "don't give me that crap" look and said "yes.. but I'm realllly so sorry..."
i couldn't even really speak. I turned to pay my bill and the woman there said "oh you have such a good attitude." I walked out and started crying in the hallway.

The "good attitude" is just a lie, you know? Just what makes other people more comfortable.
Anyway, I'm babbling. seems I should make my own blog entry.. I'll have to reference this one of yours.
Very moving. I wish so much that I could take away some of your pain.. give you hope... but I know that's impossible.
Just know that I cry with you..

Anonymous said...

so sorry too :( its hard, i know and it will have its effects in the future but as long as you know, maybe you'll cope better than I do.

Take care of yourself and do hang in there.

X

Kami said...

I'm sorry I didn't find you and comment sooner. I hope you are doing a little bit better these days. I have had a late term loss and thought "just bad luck" and things kept getting worse and I wondered if it would ever work. I still wonder, but I have also found I can be happier without things around TTC getting better. Oh, things aren't great but still quite a bit better than they were.

I found a wonderful therapist who taught me some better coping techniques than I had. I try to see what is good in my life. Time has also helped.

You will find the energy to keep trying until you are either successful or decide it is no longer worth it. You will find a way to be ok no matter how it turns out. You wouldn't have gotten this far if you weren't capable of it.

I'm sorry for all your losses and the fear and grief that those bring. I hope you will find happiness again soon - even if it for fleeting moments.

olivegirl said...

Just wanted to see how you're doing. We're going through such similar things right now. I'm kinda getting back to normal, but still fighting the anxiety like crazy. Hope you're starting to feel more like your old self.

Deb said...

I hope today is a bit better than yesterday and that things are getting easier, not that the pain will ever totally go away. Take care of you.

Ms. Planner said...

Carrie? How are you doing?

Thinking about you...