Scared To Look Forwards?

How can I possibly thank you all for all your comments and support. I really can't put into words how much this has meant to me. I have read and re-read each one. From those who I have a Blog relationship with, to new people who have been pointed here by those who care and want to help. Thank you heaps. I am truly amazed by the power of the internet. I couldn't have believed that strangers all over the world would be able to relate to me when I was really down. To help me feel less isolated. But you have, you really have.

I still feel really flat. I'm not as emotional as I was after the big miscarriage. It doesn't compare to what I 'lost' then. That was a baby, a fully formed baby. This was the beginnings, the potential, and to me, it was the hope of a baby.

I think what is really troubling me this time is the realisation that this may never work.

See part of the problem is that I had tried really hard to convince myself that it had all been bad luck. The first loss was so long ago, when my cycles were so screwed up, I'm really guessing at dates and the second was really early, even the doctors don't seem to see these as anything other than normal, upsetting, but not a medical issue and I kind of didn't either. They both happened easily so there was no lead up to the pregnancy and no fear that it wouldn't happen again. Then I told myself that perhaps the last one had really just been 'one of these things', lots of woman miscarry, and this one would be fine. I really thought that this pregnancy, which happened as we were down regulating to start IVF, was a gift. Saved from the mouth of IVF. In fact we had been delayed for month due to test results, perhaps this was the reason why. Fate. Because we were meant to have this baby. Sentimental, but it is how I was thinking.

So now I don't feel the intense sorrow of the last time, I don't feel the same huge loss and bereavement, but this time I feel defeated. Finished. It is draining. I am functioning on a day to day basis fairly normally. To my colleagues I'm sure it appears that everything is just fine. I'm maybe slightly quieter but not so as they'd remark. To my friends and family I'm texting but keeping my distance, they all know how busy a time this is being back for a new year at school. It's not unusual for me to be a little hermit like anyway until I get the term underway. Only my husband sees the real difference.

It isn't only sorrow for this particular pregnancy this time. It is a deeper feeling, a feeling that nothing is ever going to be all right again, that there is a huge shadow over me and it is going to be around for a while. I smile with my mouth but can't with my eyes. I say what I think I should because I'm too scared to even think about how I really feel. Everything seems so shallow and pointless. I try to listen to others news and be glad for them but it's hard because I don't care. That's not a nice thing to realise but I don't care. I don't care about their daughter's wedding or who's bought a new house. The only emotion I can connect with right now is sadness. I'm finding it hard to put how I feel into words. I guess I feel empty, I feel pointless. I don't feel strong enough to try again and yet I can't imagine not trying. To accept that this is it. It was all for nothing.

With each loss, a little bit of my spirit is gone. The first two only took my innocence, they made me realise that bad things could happen, and did happen and could happen again. They made me more weary and afraid of life in general. The biggest loss scarred me like I didn't know was possible. I wanted to stop feeling such intense emotions that I really contemplated unwise choices. I experienced depression for the first time and it wasn't pretty. The infertility that I then experienced took away the living for the moment. I was always planning and waiting, waiting to ovulate, waiting to test and trying to eat well, live well, avoid toxins, give my body the best chance possible and then still having to cope with disappointment after disappointment. The loss of hope.

That's the awful part. I'm not really sure what effect the loss of this pregnancy will have in the future, but, from experience, I do know it will take its toll At the moment I am just trying to get through. My heart is heavy, my hope has gone, I feel less like my old self than ever. And the process has only just started, it's scaring me.