My Story

Thank you everybody for your kind words on my last post. My black mood lasted most of the week. I just felt life was not fair and I didn't want to pretend that it was. I tried to stay by myself a lot as I find it hard to be interested in other people's news or general chit chat when I feel down like that. It doesn't make me feel good about myself that I am so self obsessed at times.

I'm feeling a bit better now. My period arrived as I had expected although not until Thursday which means I had dull pain for the best part of a week, that doesn't seem right. Since I was so absolutely sure it was on it's way it didn't get to me too much. I think I did the disappointment nearly a week ago. So that's it. We move on. I'm still very nervous about our step into IVF but I think I'm making peace with the decision to go this way. Our next appointment is on Tues 8th May and we should then have a clearer idea of things to come.

I did glance at my profile when I logged in today and realised it may sound as if we've been trying to conceive since 1993. This is not the case, thank goodness. I couldn't keep this level of anxiety going all that time! No way.

This is my story.....

I was with my husband for four years when I fell pregnant the first time. Four years of no birth control! You'd think I'd have guessed there was a problem. The pregnancy wasn't planned (clearly I wasn't doing a lot of planning either way) and was at a difficult time. I had only just graduated and he had gone back to study as a full time student. That said we were still very upset when it ended at around six weeks. Still no birth control, or periods really, for another two years or so. By this time I was starting to get more symptoms of PCOS and went on the pill which kept everything ticking along nicely for the next nine or ten years.
At this time I was perfectly happy with no children. I knew from my history that conceiving was likely to be challenging but felt quite content that life without children suited us fine. As I turned into my thirties we thought we would have a try for a family but accept things if it didn't happen. I came off the pill and I fully expected my PCOS to return as it had been before.

In the beginning it did return, months and months without a period. After a good while I went to the doctor who referred me to a consultant. Whilst I was waiting for an appointment I read a few self help books and tried several recommendations and to my surprise, with a few supplements and lifestyle changes, my periods became quite regular and the PCOS seemed to have disappeared. Yahoo, now it'll be easy. And it was fairly easy from then, ovulation kits bought, temping started and I fell pregnant in a couple of months.
I lost this pregnancy at six weeks too. This time losing the pregnancy really threw me. I now knew for sure that I wanted children. I no longer felt that life would be ok without them. I was so driven to fall pregnant again and overcome this "bad luck"
Finally I fell pregnant again. Right from the beginning I was so cautious. We told virtually nobody and I wouldn't even talk about the baby until the second trimester. After 12 weeks I felt we had turned a corner, we told more people but by 14 weeks I felt something was wrong. I felt ill, my midwife told me it was normal to feel like that, a lot of people worry when their early pregnancy symptoms fade and they can't yet feel the movements. I still thought something was wrong, so much so I didn't tell anyone else about my pregnancy. I just hoped I was wrong. A scan at 16 weeks showed the heart had stopped.

This all happened January 06, and I then I fell apart.

Triple Whammy

Yesterday I was doing so well, upbeat and positive.

Today.....not a good day.

1st. My period is on the way. I feel the nagging ache and lower backache. I know you can get cramps in early pregnancy but this is different. There's no denying it and it looks like it'll be early which will muck up my day 3 blood appointment. I've got an appointment on Friday and one on Monday to cover my usual 13/14 day LP. It's just not easy to get appointments quickly at my surgery so I'm not sure what I'll do. Beg on the phone perhaps.
Now this is the stupid part. I'm so upset that this cycle has ended. I expected it for sure. I mean what were the chances of falling pregnant at the last minute? Slim, but I'm devastated. I really, really, really hoped it would all come together. Stupid I know.

2nd. My next door neighbour is pregnant. I don't know her, neither of us have lived here for long but she looks about 6 months. A summer baby. I know this shouldn't really be a problem but somehow it just gets me. Jealousy I suppose. We hoped for a new house/ new baby kind of deal. Hmmmm. It's also on my mind that this baby will probably be born just after our first IVF cycle. Now how hard will that be if it all goes belly up?

3rd. The hardest really. A birth announcement from a colleague. It's not the announcement itself that's so hard, it's the circumstances that smart a bit.
This girl is the same age as me. She got married Sept '05. She then left to travel the world like an extended honeymoon. We had this conversation before she left and she was saying that she knew a year wasn't a long time and when she got back people would be doing exactly the same things as they were when she left etc.
Now I was pregnant at the time (secretly) and at eight weeks was feeling a little more confident this time. I remember so strongly thinking that I hope life will have changed for me. Oh it did, but not how I was hoping. We lost our baby two months later.
So she came back to work a slightly earlier than expected, she then said she had news and told us all she was going to be a mum and handed her scan around. Now that was hard.
I then tried avoiding her as much as I could but it was so awkward that I decided to fill her in on the main details of our journey and apologised for my lack of enthusiasm over her news. To be fair she was so sweet for the remainder of her time at work and did her utmost to make it as easy as possible for me.
She had a little girl. I so desperately would like a little girl. I find girl birth announcements so much more difficult than boy ones. (though I must add I would so very happily have a boy, still given the choice.....)
So she got married, travelled the world, got pregnant, stayed pregnant and delivered a healthy little girl meanwhile we've done what? I know, I shouldn't compare. It doesn't work like that.

So that's it. A tough day and I know there is so much worse going on, I shouldn't moan.

Hopefully things will look up tomorrow.

Health Kick

I figured if we are going to pay all this money for IVF then I really should make sure I'm as healthy as I can be. Both to cope with the process and so I've nothing to reproach myself about in the future.
Hmmmm health kick. Fantastic. I've put on around two stone in the last two years. I put on weight when I was pregnant, just over a stone, but when we lost that pregnancy my weight dropped below pre-pregnancy so now I can't figure out how I'm so heavy. Well I do know actually. All that feeling sorry for myself comfort eating and meals out. A little pleasure when things weren't nice.
But.........time to take control again. I've always been quite little so I really don't like all this extra however I've tried to get back on track a few times and just can't summon up the enthusiasm. It's always tomorrow. I was visiting my friend last week and she looked great, I was curious to her weight loss in a fairly short time frame and asked what she'd done. Turns out she'd been on this detox diet and dropped a fair bit in nine days.
There was nothing else for it, detox box was ordered and I've started today. It appears I'm eating Bee Pollen tablets, drinking aloe vera gel and one protein shake a day. Joy. It only lasts like this for 2 days and then a 600 cal meal for the next seven. I know it's probably not the best idea but if it gives me a flying start then surely I'll stay on track after???? So, this sounds like a positive step to me and although I'm starving with a woolly headache I am going to try to stick to it.

Has anybody any tips of ways to get myself physically ready for this process? I'd love to hear tips on diet or exercise which will specifically help in this situation.

Anyway time for my tea, aloe vera gel and Bee pollen capsules.It certainly cuts down on the cooking. I hope this is all worth it.

Lacking the Drive.

I was at my GP this morning to have my blood work done. I totally love my GP, through all this she's been so empathetic and sweet. She really seems to care. As I went into her room she had this huge grin on her face.
"So you start IVF in May, are you excited?" she said. I think my response surprised her. It surprised me.
"No. Not a bit."
I'm tired of the whole trying to conceive thing and I know that this next step will be so difficult. The stages to go through knowing that it can all go wrong at any point. It seems to get a whole cycle completed is a feat in itself, now to hope for a pregnancy as well just seems too much. I have to think of a way to get fired up. I think starting in this mind set is a bad idea.

It seems a funny way to do things. The clinic give me a list of tests to get done. I go to the GP and she does them and I get a print out of the results and take them back to the clinic. This means my doctor isn't used to running these bloods. She had to nip out a few times to check details, how many phials, which ones went together etc. As she was out I looked at my notes on the screen....IVF commencing May. Now this may sound odd but to see it in text on the screen really freaked me out. Why I'm not sure, but it did. It's really happening.

I feel like such a newbie. I don't know anything. Someone asked why I was going straight to IVF and not IUI/injectables. I think it's my age (36). I have been through the pros and cons and ultimately it's our decision but the doctor seemed quite dismissive of the whole IUI thing. At most he said one try at it. I intend to read a lot and ask more questions at the pre treatment counselling in a couple of weeks.

So my husband, ah, the reluctant one. He still thinks we're being hasty. He reckons it'll all happen naturally after all there's not actually anything wrong with us!!!. I'm not saying he's wrong but do I really have time to wait and find out? Is it not an awful long time already? My 30s are rushing by. I can't keep waiting to see. He does kind of support me he just can't see the rush. He'll be there though. He's a good guy.

I mentioned this differing of opinions to my GP. She agreed with me that it's silly to wait any longer. Something quite obviously is wrong. She said the next couple of years can make all the difference, then she came out with a strange piece of advice. She said I should do IVF to have my first baby and then , when it's not so important presumably, just have the second naturally. You have to laugh. First baby! One would do me fine right now. It's kind of worrying that she sees IVF as a cure. Or perhaps she meant that I'll be so relaxed then that I'll be able to fall pregnant at the drop of a hat. She's normally so wise and lovely that I can't even be a little miffed.

Oh yea, I was saying to the reluctant husband how much I was not looking forward to getting on this particular wheel but I figure no one WANTS to do any of this. We just want the end result, right? Do you know what he said, I almost fell over. He said " I know what you mean. I'm not looking forward to all that driving"
The driving, hahahahahahahaha, the driving. I know, can't get my head around all that (40 mins each way) driving either!

Last Chance.

It's day 14 and I appear to be ovulating. Yea.
It's the last (almost) natural cycle before starting IVF. It's freaking me out. I can't help but think what a relief/celebration it would be to miraculously fall pregnant (and stay pregnant) this cycle and just skip the whole IVF thing. It can happen, I'm sure it must have to somebody, somewhere. Now that sounds good.
Still it's also good to see my cycle behaving normally. It'll make the bloodwork etc easier to plan for. I thought I had all the dates mapped out but then last month I had a 19 day cycle. Now that is weird. It appears from my temps that I ovulated on day 5. Is that even possible? I was still taking Clomid until day 8. Seems strange to me. I'll mention it to the doctor tomorrow (just add it to the list!)
So last cycle, still on Clomid which shortens my cycles from about 31 days to 28, seems to help me ovulate earlier and lengthens my LP. The doc said he really didn't think it would make a lot of difference but will keep things nice and controlled and shouldn't do any real harm (What about a freaky short cycle, Hu?). Great. Take these drugs which may drive you mad and ruin your marriage. Probably for nothing and probably won't do any real harm. How reassuring.
Anyway as it happens I don't find Clomid too bad at all. A little headachey but pretty good mostly. Mood swings are questionable. This whole process affects my moods. Who's to say it's the Clomid?

That's it then, this month or IVF.
Wow. I never thought it would come to this.

Meeting my Niece.

Well I'm back home and have survived the trip.

I flew into London City, I love flying into there at the best of times as the flight path goes right down the Thames and it's lovely. Thursday was better than ever. There was a factory fire or something that meant we couldn't land straight away so we were circling central London for about half an hour. It was the most beautiful evening, just on dusk, the views were amazing. It helped me feel so calm and I'm sure that helped a little.

When I turned my phone on there was a message from my brother saying he was waiting outside for me, this wasn't the plan. I usually take the Docklands train. He had heard the rail link was suspended due to the fire so he came for me. I could have got a taxi easily. I thought it was nice of him to do this after all he's quite busy with a brand new baby.

Then we reached the flat. I was so nervous. It sounds so funny but I really didn't know how I'd feel or what my reaction would be when I saw my niece for the first time. I was really afraid that I'd go to pieces or make a scene and that was the last thing I wanted. I didn't. I did gasp as I saw her for the first time but I think it was subtle enough that no one noticed. She is so beautiful and so tiny and perfect and I adore her. My sil brought her through and handed her to me to hold.

I realize this is hardly unusual for anyone else however I've built this moment up for a long time. I was so afraid that I wouldn't handle it or that it would be too much. I still wish there had been more words. Still, over the three days, neither of them asked how I was or acknowledged that this may be difficult. They were both proud and excited and tired and worried that they are getting it right. Mostly though they are a little family.

I wish it could be me.

Taking a Deep Breath

Tomorrow I'm off to London to visit my younger brother and his wife. And their new born daughter. It's going to be so difficult in some ways and yet I'm quite excited in another. The baby was born on Saturday and although I'm desperate to see her, it hurts.
I've also got some issues with my brother. We're normally fairly close. Whilst he doesn't know our exact history he certainly knows all about my miscarriage last January, how difficult I found things and how we've been trying for a family for a good while. I just can't get over how he broke the news of their (unexpected) pregnancy. He text me whilst I was at work ' How do you fancy being an auntie?' This was one week after we had suffered a chem pregnancy (though he didn't know that) but I can't get over it, I'm not sure I'll ever forget the feeling I got with that text .
Neither him or his wife have asked how we/I am since. Christmas was spent talking about their baby and plans. I KNOW I'm over sensitive but surely he could have recognized/acknowledged that this isn't easy?
The other part of this whole do that upsets/annoys/makes me want to scream is the rest of the family and their reactions. This is pure jealousy and I'm ashamed of feeling like this. My Mum and Gran had a conversation that went like this..... Well that's you a granny now. Yes, and that's you a great granny, it's nice isn't it? Etc and I was near bursting. Of course they are! Like they had to say it out loud, testing the sound of their new titles. The joy and pride in their obvious statements made it so difficult to smile. I was angry that they were so pleased. I was so upset that for them this is pure joy whilst for me it is tinged (saturated) with sadness. And why shouldn't they celebrate, of course they should. It's me who is in the wrong here. It doesn't make me feel good about myself.
Anyway that's a lot of conflicting emotions fighting it out in my head right now. I just hope it's a good trip.

The first Step

Everyone has to start somewhere, right?
I've been a lurker and occasional commenter on so many blogs for the last eighteen months or so. I thought about writing one but I'm really a reader, not much of a writer. Still it seems sad that I haven't recorded my thoughts and feelings over the last three years so, now that things are moving up a gear, I'm going to try to do just that.