Lacking the Drive.

I was at my GP this morning to have my blood work done. I totally love my GP, through all this she's been so empathetic and sweet. She really seems to care. As I went into her room she had this huge grin on her face.
"So you start IVF in May, are you excited?" she said. I think my response surprised her. It surprised me.
"No. Not a bit."
I'm tired of the whole trying to conceive thing and I know that this next step will be so difficult. The stages to go through knowing that it can all go wrong at any point. It seems to get a whole cycle completed is a feat in itself, now to hope for a pregnancy as well just seems too much. I have to think of a way to get fired up. I think starting in this mind set is a bad idea.

It seems a funny way to do things. The clinic give me a list of tests to get done. I go to the GP and she does them and I get a print out of the results and take them back to the clinic. This means my doctor isn't used to running these bloods. She had to nip out a few times to check details, how many phials, which ones went together etc. As she was out I looked at my notes on the screen....IVF commencing May. Now this may sound odd but to see it in text on the screen really freaked me out. Why I'm not sure, but it did. It's really happening.

I feel like such a newbie. I don't know anything. Someone asked why I was going straight to IVF and not IUI/injectables. I think it's my age (36). I have been through the pros and cons and ultimately it's our decision but the doctor seemed quite dismissive of the whole IUI thing. At most he said one try at it. I intend to read a lot and ask more questions at the pre treatment counselling in a couple of weeks.

So my husband, ah, the reluctant one. He still thinks we're being hasty. He reckons it'll all happen naturally after all there's not actually anything wrong with us!!!. I'm not saying he's wrong but do I really have time to wait and find out? Is it not an awful long time already? My 30s are rushing by. I can't keep waiting to see. He does kind of support me he just can't see the rush. He'll be there though. He's a good guy.

I mentioned this differing of opinions to my GP. She agreed with me that it's silly to wait any longer. Something quite obviously is wrong. She said the next couple of years can make all the difference, then she came out with a strange piece of advice. She said I should do IVF to have my first baby and then , when it's not so important presumably, just have the second naturally. You have to laugh. First baby! One would do me fine right now. It's kind of worrying that she sees IVF as a cure. Or perhaps she meant that I'll be so relaxed then that I'll be able to fall pregnant at the drop of a hat. She's normally so wise and lovely that I can't even be a little miffed.

Oh yea, I was saying to the reluctant husband how much I was not looking forward to getting on this particular wheel but I figure no one WANTS to do any of this. We just want the end result, right? Do you know what he said, I almost fell over. He said " I know what you mean. I'm not looking forward to all that driving"
The driving, hahahahahahahaha, the driving. I know, can't get my head around all that (40 mins each way) driving either!