My Story

Thank you everybody for your kind words on my last post. My black mood lasted most of the week. I just felt life was not fair and I didn't want to pretend that it was. I tried to stay by myself a lot as I find it hard to be interested in other people's news or general chit chat when I feel down like that. It doesn't make me feel good about myself that I am so self obsessed at times.

I'm feeling a bit better now. My period arrived as I had expected although not until Thursday which means I had dull pain for the best part of a week, that doesn't seem right. Since I was so absolutely sure it was on it's way it didn't get to me too much. I think I did the disappointment nearly a week ago. So that's it. We move on. I'm still very nervous about our step into IVF but I think I'm making peace with the decision to go this way. Our next appointment is on Tues 8th May and we should then have a clearer idea of things to come.

I did glance at my profile when I logged in today and realised it may sound as if we've been trying to conceive since 1993. This is not the case, thank goodness. I couldn't keep this level of anxiety going all that time! No way.

This is my story.....

I was with my husband for four years when I fell pregnant the first time. Four years of no birth control! You'd think I'd have guessed there was a problem. The pregnancy wasn't planned (clearly I wasn't doing a lot of planning either way) and was at a difficult time. I had only just graduated and he had gone back to study as a full time student. That said we were still very upset when it ended at around six weeks. Still no birth control, or periods really, for another two years or so. By this time I was starting to get more symptoms of PCOS and went on the pill which kept everything ticking along nicely for the next nine or ten years.
At this time I was perfectly happy with no children. I knew from my history that conceiving was likely to be challenging but felt quite content that life without children suited us fine. As I turned into my thirties we thought we would have a try for a family but accept things if it didn't happen. I came off the pill and I fully expected my PCOS to return as it had been before.

In the beginning it did return, months and months without a period. After a good while I went to the doctor who referred me to a consultant. Whilst I was waiting for an appointment I read a few self help books and tried several recommendations and to my surprise, with a few supplements and lifestyle changes, my periods became quite regular and the PCOS seemed to have disappeared. Yahoo, now it'll be easy. And it was fairly easy from then, ovulation kits bought, temping started and I fell pregnant in a couple of months.
I lost this pregnancy at six weeks too. This time losing the pregnancy really threw me. I now knew for sure that I wanted children. I no longer felt that life would be ok without them. I was so driven to fall pregnant again and overcome this "bad luck"
Finally I fell pregnant again. Right from the beginning I was so cautious. We told virtually nobody and I wouldn't even talk about the baby until the second trimester. After 12 weeks I felt we had turned a corner, we told more people but by 14 weeks I felt something was wrong. I felt ill, my midwife told me it was normal to feel like that, a lot of people worry when their early pregnancy symptoms fade and they can't yet feel the movements. I still thought something was wrong, so much so I didn't tell anyone else about my pregnancy. I just hoped I was wrong. A scan at 16 weeks showed the heart had stopped.

This all happened January 06, and I then I fell apart.