Only Endings.

Negative.

I can't believe it. And yet, why would it be anything else?

I wish I knew what I had done to deserve this journey. It must have been really bad.

The Cycle of Life?

On Tuesday night at 11.15 my Gran passed away. She had a bad turn on Monday night and I was able to spend her last day with her. She went peacefully. Everything was how it should be but my life will never be the same again.

She was 90 years old last November. She had had a good, healthy and contented life. She used to say she was very ordinary. She was never ordinary to me.

I think it is mind blowing to think of the changes she must have seen in her lifetime. Born in 1917 during the first world war, living through the second world war- she lost her dear brother in the war, he was 21, she could still cry over that, she never really got over it, the inventions, the technology, the people. So much change.

My gran was such an important person to me. She was the stable adult in my childhood, my brother and I were very close to my Grandparents and lived with them for long periods when my mum was in hospital. She was my constant, without her my formative years would have been very different.

Ten years ago my dad moved to Australia (without a word to us), my mum re married and has a new life, my brother moved to London (although he was still very close to my Gran and visited often, he just wasn't physically here). It just left her and me. We spoke on the phone every day and we would go out for lunch and shopping every Saturday. I loved the time we spent together, I never took it for granted, I always realised how lucky I was to have this time with her.

In recent years her body became more frail although she remained fiercely independent, her mind however was as sharp as ever. She made me laugh, she was so caring. She was a very special lady.

And now she's gone. The day I have dreaded for a long time arrived and I am left trying to be grateful for the time I had and trying not to focus on the huge gap that there will now be in my world.

This week has been the hardest. I wish I could explain the connection we had or put into words the sense of loss and loneliness I am feeling right now. We needed each other. She was my family.


Tomorrow is outcome day for this cycle. I haven't tested. I don't suppose I have to explain how much more this cycle means now.

7dp3dt

I had to do a post today, 7dp3dt. It's tradition!



I was looking through my archives to see how I was feeling at this time in my previous cycles. I was pretty sure I remembered but decided to check. By this time in both the previous IVFs I thought it was all over. I certainly hoped I was wrong but, deep down, I didn't think it was to be.



Fast forward to today. Now I am really scared because this time I am actually quite positive. Not in a 'I have loads of symptoms' sort of way. I don't. But then I have never had any symptoms before six weeks so that doesn't worry me. No, it is just a kind of feeling. Hope. That'll be what it is. Hope. Now that is dangerous.



Yes, I'm full of hope and worried that it'll come back and bite me. The other times I really hoped I was wrong, this time I am desperately hoping I am right.

It Was Fun To Think About It

It turns out the day 3 or day 5 choice was all academic. Everything you all said made sense but I really wanted to go to blast. Really, really did. Perhaps it is just the thought of doing something different, perhaps it's the thought of getting some answers (even if I don't want to hear them) but I am really down about not getting to day 5.

The clinic had been reluctant right from the start. Even if I had 9 top quality 8 cell embryos on day 3 they would have rather transferred 2 and frozen the rest. This was the one factor that was making me doubt going to blast (if given the choice) I didn't want to force the clinic into something they weren't competent at doing.

It didn't come to that. On Monday Morning the embryologist rang to say that two of the embryos were clearly in the lead and should be transferred back. I was disappointed but a decision was made and that was that.

After being at the clinic it sounds as if the rest of the embryos are a bit of a bunch. Some 5 and 6 cells, others have some fragmentation. It makes me wonder just really how good the two are that are back in. (I don't mean looking at the moment, I mean how good are they truly)

So we transferred 2 8-celled embryos, one a grade 1, the other a grade 1/2. I can't help but think the other embryos being below par must be an indication of how these two will go.

The embryologist said absolutely not and these were two 'pregnancy grade embryos'. I'm not so sure, we've been here before.

I said earlier that my LP support was a little odd. Well I'm back on the lovely Crinone pessaries but this time I am also sniffing Suprefact. (yes, that is a DR drug) Bizarre. I was so concerned about this and the hazy explanations the clinic was giving that I, very cheekily, asked the lovely, and well rounded, Geohde to help me out. She did an awesome explanation, inc diagrams, (I did wonder if I should share her explanations with the nurses as they seem quite confused too!) and I now know how it works. Feel much better but it still seems odd to me.

Now the 2WW. I am in such a foul mood, I can't shake it. I have no positivity about this cycle now. It just isn't happening. Does anyone really get pregnant when only two out of nine embryos are any good? I really hope so but, sadly, I think I'm coming to the conclusion that my eggs are fried. Blah.

Word Clouds and Cycle Update

Thank you to Luna for this link. I love my cloud!

You can make your own at Wordle

Also an update. EC yesterday gave us 10 eggs. I was very pleased and even more pleased that the phone call this morning was to tell us that 9 had fertilised. Transfer set for Monday at 1 or, if on Monday there are 5 8-celled, good looking embryos, we will go for blast on Wednesday.

I was really hoping for a blast transfer but after speaking to the clinic I'm not so sure. I don't think blast transfers are done very often here and I certainly don't want to risk my embryos on someones learning curve.

I was going to wait until Monday before stressing over this, but that would mean having to decide on the spot. I need a plan, just in case. So, if I do get to make the choice what should I do? Play safe? Take a chance? Any advice? What would you do?

So Quick!

I've been a bit slow to update on this cycle. I haven't been so involved and committed to this IVF. I suppose this is an attempt to distance myself from the process and therefore to protect myself from the outcome. Will it work? Time will tell. It certainly has been the easiest cycle so far. I'm just going along with it and refusing to over-think.

That said it did start fairly stressfully. My first IVF was antagonist, I got only five eggs, four fertilized and we got 2 grade 1 embryos, a grade 2 and a grade 2/3.
The second time I did the long protocol. This time there were nine eggs, seven fertilized. We put back 2 grade 1 embryos (although one was only 6 cell) the rest of the embryos were so poor they didn't even get on the scale.

When my doctor was going through the recommendations for this cycle he said I could choose which protocol to follow. This was awful as I was so scared of making the wrong choice. Eventually I spoke to a nurse who said that just wasn't fair. She spoke to the head professor and he came up with this.

So the protocol this time was...

Antagonist- starting with Northesterone on day 21 of last cycle for 10 days. This was to try to recruit more follicles allowing a greater number of eggs without a loss of quality.
Then 225iu Menopur once a day. (10 days)

So far there are more follicles than before but I'm not even trying to guess how many eggs. There will be the same amount whether I spend the next 36 hours wondering or not!

Luteal support is a very strange one but I'll save that for now.

So I triggered tonight. EC Friday morning at 7.30. I hope the calm continues.