Closure.... Not Quite.

I was at the Early Pregnancy Unit today. The difference in care between this and the IVF unit was so vast. The sonographer here to the time to measure everything and explain the findings rather than me having to guess.


Still no heartbeat.
Fetal Pole only 4.3mm (about 6 weeks) so they won't do an ERPC yet.
Repeat scan next Friday.

This is all a precaution due to the one in a million chance that things develop. Hospital protocol rather than actual hope. They have to be careful.

The hope is finished. It is over.

7 Weeks 1 Day.

No heartbeat.

Doctor said it was all fine! I asked why there was no heartbeat then, he said he thought it might just be the angle. He didn't measure or freeze the screen or magnify it or anything and he was very abrupt with me and my questions. I am mad at myself. I should have been stronger and pressed him for measurements etc. but I didn't.

Next scan Friday. So we wait again.

I think we know what it means.

Not So Calm

Warning- This is a huge big whinge. Don't read if you can't stand whingers.


I've started this post dozens of times. I just can't put my feelings into words.
I don't want to whinge about my current state, after all it is what we've been trying to achieve for so long.

I am, however, finding the whole deal mega stressful. I swing from despair to hope and back again hundreds of times throughout the day. I lie awake at night worrying. I'm ruining the whole deal for myself and I just can't snap out of it.

I've had a fair bit of spotting (always good for calming one's nerves) and on Thursday night I had a major, major freak out where I really sobbed for over an hour. Just uncontrollable crying because I am so scared. Scared of what may (or may never) happen. I get so mad at myself.

The one thing I'm pretty sure of is I now don't want to do IVF. I just don't think I could cope. This emotional torture has me at the end of my rope. The thought of having to go through such an ordeal to get to this position (with no more guarantees) just seems too much. I am not coping well.

On a more positive note I have managed to get past my consultant and I'm being looked after by the Early Pregnancy Unit at my nearest hospital. I rang them directly after spotting last Thursday night and they had me in, they didn't need my consultant's say so as I had been told. They scanned me to check everything was where it should be (at 5 weeks and 4 days all measured fine but not a lot to go on) and have put me on a special care programme and I can be scanned every week starting this Friday. They are so kind and take the time to listen, they really seem to understand how difficult this time is.

I also rang my IVF clinic this Thursday. I peed on (another stick) and the pregnant line was not nearly as dark as previously. I did another and the same. Major freakout, and I mean major. I asked the IVF clinic to move my scan from the Monday to the Friday as I just couldn't cope with this. The doctor wasn't in but the nurse said she'd speak to him and get back to me. She said he couldn't move the scan as the doctor wasn't in on the Friday( and he has to do it) but they'd have me in for a Beta. Now they'll do a beta!!! They told me, several times, they didn't do them. So Fridays beta was 24,000 (so what's with the fainter line?) They were to repeat the beta on Monday( as even I who comes from the land of no Beta knows, one on its own doesn't say much) but they have decided not to and just go ahead with the scan. I'm also feeling quite icky now. Perhaps there is hope. Who knows?

So, to sum up, early scan at the IVF clinic is tomorrow. 7 weeks and 1 day by my dates. I am soooo scared.

Welcome to Edinburgh

The Old Town of Edinburgh runs down the Royal Mile. At the top Edinburgh Castle. At the bottom the Queen's official residence, the Palace of Holyrood House.




I grew up in a close off the Royal Mile where I lived with my Gran parents. The close itself was rather grim but the buildings around are so beautiful. Here is a picture of my primary school.



Later, although I had moved away I went to university here. I also had a part time job as a waitress in a Pizza restaurant (and met Mr L here many moons ago)


Edinburgh is built on an extict volcano which makes it very hilly. Just a few minutes from our old flat is Arthurs Seat and Holyrood Park.




As I went to a school slap, bang in the middle of all this history, we had a lot of lessons about the Old Town. I found it a huge bore at the time :-( but the one story that I really liked was about Mary Kings Close. Mary Kings Close is an underground street that runs under the Royal Mile. It was a complete community with shops etc. It had been bricked up during the black plague as the people thought it would save the spread of disease. All the inhabitants were simply bricked in and left to die. Years later my husband, through his work, was invited on a tour of the close. We entered, down a stairwell, through the City Chambers in the middle of the Royal Mile. The place was amazing, still intact with the butcher shop still having its meat hooks and everything. Very spooky.


I love Edinburgh. I don't live centrally anymore but I still love to wander in especially during the festival which starts in a couple of weeks. I hope you enjoyed the look around! I'll leave you with some random Scottish pictures.

Birthday Wishes

If things had gone differently, this week would be my baby's first birthday. Perhaps a party, some cake, visitors for sure all reminiscing on how she had grown and what milestones she had achieved in her first 12 months. Of course things didn't go like that and instead I've been looking backwards over the past year, in fact the 17 months since I lost her.

I'm not the same person now as I was then. I certainly wouldn't be the same person if I had become a mother and gone through nurturing a child to their first birthday. I can't even imagine how that would change me. I realise there would be things I will never know unless I get the chance. I know this because I have learned things in my IF journey that I never could have guessed.

My feelings for that pregnancy loss have faded so much in the last 5 months. For a full year after the loss I was a mess. Very tearful, very depressed, not interested in much. I'd never experienced emotion that was as powerful and I could not shrug it off. In the last 5 months I have accepted things. It still makes me sad to think of it but not the raw grief I once had. It seems quite unreal now.

I thought that being pregnant again would make me more hopeful. In a way it has but I had a little spotting last night, not much and it seems to have stopped, I'm trying not to freak out, but the terror is truly here. I just don't know what another loss would do to me. I don't want to imagine. I don't want to see.

Some of you made great suggestions in your last comments. The NHS is an awful thing to deal with. There seem to be no choices at all. I am already getting 'special' treatment due to my losses. Usually I wouldn't be offered a u/s until 12-14 weeks. My consultant (who I hate) told me she would do an early scan but, 'don't come until about 9 weeks, you don't want to get your hopes up.' That is what she said. Word.for.word. The scan I have arranged on the 23rd is privately, at the IVF clinic. I could probably move that up but I don't want to go until we will definitely see a heartbeat, or not. I don't want to hang on wondering what it means.
I think my G.P. (who is so lovely) may do betas for me if I explain (they just aren't standard over here) because she has gone out of her way to help me before. The only problem with this plan is I had to wait 2 weeks to get an appointment. Bloody NHS. I'll write a whole post about it one day. I have so much to vent!

On a happier note, I was at acupuncture today. My lady said my pulse showed a strong pregnancy. I'm not sure if they can really tell anything from this, but it certainly was nice to hear. She also recommended no scans. Yup, NO SCANS. They're not natural she says.

I said I'd think about it! I did, no scan, huh, that'll be right!

I Wish I Had a Crystal Ball

Thank you all so much for your warm and lovely comments. I realise that reading of someone else's pregnancy, even if you are pleased for them, is a difficult thing to do. I know that some of you are going through really tough times at the moment and I can't tell you how much I appreciate you being so upbeat over here. Hats off.

I've been in London so I've missed what's going on. My mum was driving down to see my brother's new house and help out a little. When she initially made the plans I couldn't go as I'd be in the middle of stims. After this turn of events, and due to the fact that I was driving my husband mad with my continual obsessing, I decided to join her. It wasn't an easy decision as I was so terrified of something going wrong while we were away. Mr L thought it might be a good distraction though and help pass some time.

I'm glad I went although it was difficult to keep up a normal front. Those of you who have had miscarriages will appreciate the sheer terror that early pregnancy brings. Every lack of symptom or twinge sends me running to the toilet. I lie in bed at night praying that this will be the one, that its still ok. It is hard.

We don't have betas over here. They just don't do them. I have no way of knowing how this pregnancy is going. On Sunday night I was convinced it was all over. Boobs not sore therefore vanishing pregnancy signs. On Monday I made an excuse to go into town. I did (yet another) pregnancy test in the toilets in Debenhams. Classy, huh? The pregnancy line came up instantly and was way darker than the control line. That's all I have to go on but it did make me feel a little better. The sore boobs also returned.

I have a GP appointment on Monday and my scan is the following Monday. I will be 7 weeks and 1 day by the scan date (by my dates, 7 weeks 6 days by LMP) I can't tell you how far away that seems to me right now.

I hope I can make it, and without going mad would be quite a bonus.

The One I Hadn't Considered

Throughout my journey through infertility and miscarriage I have grown used to things not going well. I have become accustomed to being under a black cloud due to my frustration and inability to become pregnant, despite the oh so carefully timed sex, the lack of caffeine, alcohol, the consuming of whole grains and the continious bypassing of refined carbs and sugar, not to mention the pile of vitamins I throw down daily.

I've tried acupuncture, reflexology, hypnosis and meditation. I've upped my exercise and then calmed it again in case it was too much. I've stayed still for hours after sex. I've tried to smile through others announcements. Watched colleagues at work grow round and go on mat leave, I've visited friends and family with newborns. I've watched these babies grow into happy, cute toddlers. I've had to watch as baby number two is announced and cried as we've got nowhere. Nowhere at all.

I've been at the Clinic and I'm back home. I thought I knew why this cycle wasn't going well. I thought I was responding poorly to the down regulation. I'd never heard of this before but I was sure, if it was at all possible, if anyone could get it wrong, I could. Why not?

The reason that the down regulation hasn't gone exactly to plan is because I'm pregnant. Yep, somehow in the middle of a down reg cycle. How the f*ck? I was speechless. Not even emotional, just stunned. Of all the possible reasons for my lack of period, I never thought this would be it. (or could be it.)
I hope some of you are ok with reading this. It's kind of a surprise announcement situation. If you were following this story at all, you certainly wouldn't have been expecting this. I certainly wasn't. I hate surprises, and for that I am sorry. Especially if it is difficult for you to read. It would have been for me.

Of course, I've been here before. It isn't as much exciting as absolutely terrifying. There's even the extra worry of the effect of the Prostap (Lupron) to consider. I'll post about these thoughts when I have time to gather myself. But it's a start and, wow, I'll take it.

Freedom

I'm on holiday. Yipee, yipee, yipee. Seven weeks off.

The last couple of weeks have been full on. A school performance to perfect and then perform to parents and all the usual end of term stuff. I've let my Blogging slip a little but I'll have plenty of time to read all your news now.

On the cycle front, a bit of a hitch I reckon. I was told that I would get my period 7-10 days after the Prostap injection. I'm now on day 13, that can't be good. Does anyone know what this might mean?
I'm guessing that it'll mean that either I'm just slow to down regulate and will be ok, just a little behind schedule or (and I have to say I think this is more likely) I've not responded to the drug and therefore haven't down regulated. This is one that I think may be true as I have had none of the afore mentioned side effects, the only ones I have experienced are tender breasts and a little nausea (how ironic, isn't my body just full of fun little digs.) I'll phone the clinic tomorrow. My fear is that if I haven't responded well to the down regulation they'll suggest starting it all again next month. Is that likely, do you think? That would be extremely frustrating. Still no point getting in a state yet. Tomorrow will do fine!

Right I'm off to see what's been happening around here.