Birthday Wishes

If things had gone differently, this week would be my baby's first birthday. Perhaps a party, some cake, visitors for sure all reminiscing on how she had grown and what milestones she had achieved in her first 12 months. Of course things didn't go like that and instead I've been looking backwards over the past year, in fact the 17 months since I lost her.

I'm not the same person now as I was then. I certainly wouldn't be the same person if I had become a mother and gone through nurturing a child to their first birthday. I can't even imagine how that would change me. I realise there would be things I will never know unless I get the chance. I know this because I have learned things in my IF journey that I never could have guessed.

My feelings for that pregnancy loss have faded so much in the last 5 months. For a full year after the loss I was a mess. Very tearful, very depressed, not interested in much. I'd never experienced emotion that was as powerful and I could not shrug it off. In the last 5 months I have accepted things. It still makes me sad to think of it but not the raw grief I once had. It seems quite unreal now.

I thought that being pregnant again would make me more hopeful. In a way it has but I had a little spotting last night, not much and it seems to have stopped, I'm trying not to freak out, but the terror is truly here. I just don't know what another loss would do to me. I don't want to imagine. I don't want to see.

Some of you made great suggestions in your last comments. The NHS is an awful thing to deal with. There seem to be no choices at all. I am already getting 'special' treatment due to my losses. Usually I wouldn't be offered a u/s until 12-14 weeks. My consultant (who I hate) told me she would do an early scan but, 'don't come until about 9 weeks, you don't want to get your hopes up.' That is what she said. Word.for.word. The scan I have arranged on the 23rd is privately, at the IVF clinic. I could probably move that up but I don't want to go until we will definitely see a heartbeat, or not. I don't want to hang on wondering what it means.
I think my G.P. (who is so lovely) may do betas for me if I explain (they just aren't standard over here) because she has gone out of her way to help me before. The only problem with this plan is I had to wait 2 weeks to get an appointment. Bloody NHS. I'll write a whole post about it one day. I have so much to vent!

On a happier note, I was at acupuncture today. My lady said my pulse showed a strong pregnancy. I'm not sure if they can really tell anything from this, but it certainly was nice to hear. She also recommended no scans. Yup, NO SCANS. They're not natural she says.

I said I'd think about it! I did, no scan, huh, that'll be right!