Warning- This is a huge big whinge. Don't read if you can't stand whingers.
I've started this post dozens of times. I just can't put my feelings into words.
I don't want to whinge about my current state, after all it is what we've been trying to achieve for so long.
I am, however, finding the whole deal mega stressful. I swing from despair to hope and back again hundreds of times throughout the day. I lie awake at night worrying. I'm ruining the whole deal for myself and I just can't snap out of it.
I've had a fair bit of spotting (always good for calming one's nerves) and on Thursday night I had a major, major freak out where I really sobbed for over an hour. Just uncontrollable crying because I am so scared. Scared of what may (or may never) happen. I get so mad at myself.
The one thing I'm pretty sure of is I now don't want to do IVF. I just don't think I could cope. This emotional torture has me at the end of my rope. The thought of having to go through such an ordeal to get to this position (with no more guarantees) just seems too much. I am not coping well.
On a more positive note I have managed to get past my consultant and I'm being looked after by the Early Pregnancy Unit at my nearest hospital. I rang them directly after spotting last Thursday night and they had me in, they didn't need my consultant's say so as I had been told. They scanned me to check everything was where it should be (at 5 weeks and 4 days all measured fine but not a lot to go on) and have put me on a special care programme and I can be scanned every week starting this Friday. They are so kind and take the time to listen, they really seem to understand how difficult this time is.
I also rang my IVF clinic this Thursday. I peed on (another stick) and the pregnant line was not nearly as dark as previously. I did another and the same. Major freakout, and I mean major. I asked the IVF clinic to move my scan from the Monday to the Friday as I just couldn't cope with this. The doctor wasn't in but the nurse said she'd speak to him and get back to me. She said he couldn't move the scan as the doctor wasn't in on the Friday( and he has to do it) but they'd have me in for a Beta. Now they'll do a beta!!! They told me, several times, they didn't do them. So Fridays beta was 24,000 (so what's with the fainter line?) They were to repeat the beta on Monday( as even I who comes from the land of no Beta knows, one on its own doesn't say much) but they have decided not to and just go ahead with the scan. I'm also feeling quite icky now. Perhaps there is hope. Who knows?
So, to sum up, early scan at the IVF clinic is tomorrow. 7 weeks and 1 day by my dates. I am soooo scared.
Friday, July 20, 2007
Not So Calm
Posted by Carrie at 9:58 PM
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14 comments:
Oh hon, I did exactly the same things when I was pregnant.
Trust me, back *away* from the wee sticks. It only ends in tears.
I'm glad that you're getting all the vaginal probe scan action you deserve. I hope they warm the gel, you are pregnant after all!
xx
J
I think this would be an already stressful situation, but because you weren't preparing yourself for this, but instead to do IVF, it really blindsided you. I can COMPLETELY relate to everything you are feeling. I am glad they are seeing you.
And hey, no more pee sticks, k? :)
Thinking of you.
XO
Carrie, I'm so sorry you're having a hard time. I hope the scan went well and that everything looks good.
Hang in there. Thinking of you...
All the spotting and lack of information (ie. scans, betas) would make me nuts too so don't worry about complaining. You've been through a lot to get here, you can't just shake it immediately. Hang in there and hopefully you'll get to post some good info Monday.
Dear Carrie, I hope that the scan on Monday will put your mind at a peaceful state. Hugs
I hope all is well at the scan and you see that wonderful heartbeat
Carrie, after what you have been through over the years, I can completely understand how you could swing from one end of the spectrum to the other. Heck, I'd be doing the same thing.
I know this blog is helpful to get the feelings out, but maybe the special clinic you are assigned to (way to go!, by the way) can refer you to someone to talk to where you can suss out these completely-appropriate-but-no-fun feelings.
I hope the spotting goes away. I am sending you some thoughts of peace. Hold on, sister.
xoxo, Ms. P
That beta is a GREAT #. I hope the upcoming scan allays your fears just a bit. Hang in there Carrie :)
Oh Carrie, why can't it just be easy?? I'm thinking of you today as you have your scan and hope everything is okay with your little one x ps. please send me your e-mail address at: thesheilabin at yahoo.ca
Oh Carrie, it must be so bloody scary sometimes. Hang in there mate - and you are not being a whinger in the slightest! It sounds like the Early Pregnancy Unit at the hospital are really lovely. Sending you peace, love ... and wonderful scan results! xo
Waiting on pins and needles for your update - I hope everything is perfectly fine and all of your worries are put to rest!
Hoping that your scan goes well and that everything is okay. Thinking of you xxx
I don't know if it is tomorrow over there yet but I am thinking of you and crossing everything.
I know how you feel. I think the pregnancy hormones only compound all the worry, because you simply aren't yourself right now. I almost feel as hormonal and irritated as I was when I was on Clomid!
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